Anyone Single and told AP they are gonna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Anyone Single and told AP they are gonna
20
Wed, 01-21-2009 - 2:39pm

Hhhuuuuummmmm, I am single and seeing MM - he is long time ex who married and then we met up - very long story so won't bore you with it !


We are at the stage in A ( seeing each other 11 months) where it's time for action, he has never lied to me about his marraige, they are like room mates, no passion etc but he feels really guilty at devastating her and he has a business that is sooo tied up to their house, life etc... would be a whole pile of mess to unravel. Anyway he said he is scared to jump in case we don't work out, sayes he will have all the devastation and financial ruin whilst I would just get closure...... So I have said I am not asking for a decision but that to live a life I must take off the NO VACANCY sign and explore other opportunities.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 1:58pm

I would like to say thank you to you all for your words of wisdom and support !


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 3:27pm
you are welcome chabs and i am definately taking notes from you...seriously taking notes from you...like you and TGR and justice and loving and funkygonepunky are my idols..such healthy but different perspectives on this type of relationship

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 3:47pm

Hey Tiger,


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 4:06pm

and chabs you have one great quality about you...you are able to put your pride to the side..to still have the comfort of having him in your life..me well...when he told me he thinks i should date other people to try and make things fair...i thought all kinds of things...so he has to take a step back now and see if he wants me in his life..he can wonder what he wants to wonder..i am going to be out seeing other people just like he told me to...he can wonder about it or not...i have to take care of me now...i'm not at that point but i know i have to do it...i've been sick with worry for the past week and 4 days now....knot still in my stomach...but the knot is loosening...we'll see what happens...i never know how i'm going to feel..plus the fact that i'm stubborn as a mule and won't call..but he's just as stubborn and won't call me either....lol...so oh well....and yes..you have a great plan..and i am taking notes...i'm just waiting for that inevitable contact that he and i will have with one another......that's all..right now i'm not saying anything to him....


you go and do what you need to do..what you feel is best.....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Thu, 01-22-2009 - 4:20pm

Tiger


I have pride and keep it with me always.... but I aint about to set myself up for a fall..... if in 6 monthds he tells me he can't leave, what do I have ? nothing... so I have to start to create and build another life for me, I want my life to be with him 100% but know if that doesn't happen and I have totally lost me I will have nothing and would hate him for that - we all know hell hath no fury and all that.


I am great in business and all I am trying to do is apply some principles from that to my persoanl life, it may sounf mad, it may be mad but I have to try.


I may sounf stronng and in control but trust me I'm not, he melts me but I do have enough respect for myself to say you know if I aint enough for him then I need to be enough for me and move on ( sounds brave, have cfied a millioj tears for this man but that is partly because other than not leaving her he has never hurt me or given me a reason to hate him ) so my only option, in my head, is to find another distraction which may in time be as acceptable for me as his marriage is to him, not the big shakes and love of my life but someone who I am comfortable with and get on with ( which to be fair I have met in my life but ended it cos it never felt like ' the one' ) he is the ' one' bit if I can't have him maybe I will need to ' settle' like he did ( and we have talked about )'


WHo knows on this ride, I'm taking a day at a time and looking for how I feel and then how he is reacting, I really have no answers hence posting


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 2:48pm

Ok, a little update, not breaking news but yet again he calls me in the evening...... never used to do that unless she was away.... me thinks he is trying to see if I am in or out, which incidently I am in - never said I was rushing out to find another, he didn't say it but I know him too well .......... god help him when I do start seeing someone !


To everyone else in my position,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 3:15pm
well chabs i suppose mine doesn't care that i'm out..for real...i think this time..but he does care about DS..that's the wonderful thing that came from this relationship.....i am however mad..and other emotions have come into play..i'm trying to let go of that...but at least yours is calling you....mine well he just is being mean ..that's fine by me...as long as he's good to my DS....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 3:33pm

Tiger,


I don't know your full story but don't you think that by virtue of the fact her cares about your DS it's also an in-road to you...... does he know he can get detaild from him? if so he maybe feels that a) your heart sisn't in meeting new people and b) he will get all the info he needs from DS about what you are up to, helping him feel that he is in control?


Just my thoughts, maybe wrong but my AP has no way of knowing anything I am up to, think that;s what has him in a spin, the mind does funny things !


((HuG))


Chabs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 3:58pm
it could be that..but never thought of it that..way....i doubt it..but maybe so....

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2008
Fri, 01-23-2009 - 8:52pm
Hey Truly, Im getting into this conversation a little bit late but I wanted to say Good for you!

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