anyone take this route?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
anyone take this route?
6
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 1:50pm

I have been married for 20 years, and have 2 young girls. I have had a male friend for about the same time period, who i had a crush on, off and on during that time, more so earlier on than recent. Anyway, we started an A about 2.5 years ago and we both separated. However, I feel I am much more "officially" separated than he is, although I know he loves me very much, he still feels some ambivalence about proceeding to divorce, as he has been married 40 years, since he was 20 yrs. old. He makes me happier than any man I have ever known, and for the first time in my life, I actually have a sex drive. But...I am not sure he will ever take the next step and fully free himself. My question is, have any of you given up on having a legal future together, and just stayed in the A for the fun and joy of it? If I keep my expectations down, is there anything wrong with just enjoying each other's company? I know I am cynical towards marriage at this point-no surer way to douse the passion and excitement. We do spend alot of time together, so that is not an issue. Would love to hear others experiences. Thanks!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2008
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 11:35pm

Hi JJ,


I just wanted to leave you a quick note before I go study...


My MM and I have been together for over 8 years. We were both M when the A started. I am now widowed, he is still M, and neither of us plans to change that.


Before my H died it was just understood that we would not leave our spouses just for the other person, but, my H was pretty mean, and I was always miserable in my M. I thought of leaving a lot, but knew I never would. We had been M for over 22 years when he died. My MM has been married for 32 1/2 years. Neither of us wants him to leave his W.


We talked about it again today, we talk about it a lot. We plan on being together for the rest of our lives, but we both agree that although it would be so wonderful to wake up next to each other every day, perhaps one of the reasons we are still best friends, as well as incredible lovers is because we don't wake up next to each other every day. We spend so much of every day together, that we are actually closer than being married.


So, yes, MM and I plan on being together for the rest of our lives, he doesn't plan on leaving his W, I don't want him to. We have such a strong relationship that neither of us feels that we would want to rock the boat. We know that when the time comes for us to decide to marry, or live together, or live separately, those decisions will be based on love, as the last 8 years have.


Ok, I am rambling, and I really need to go study Anatomy (not my favorite subject, so I MUST go study).


Stick around here, visit, offer support, and expect to receive support.


mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Sat, 01-31-2009 - 1:33pm

" My question is, have any of you given up on having a legal future together, and just stayed in the A for the fun and joy of it? If I keep my expectations down, is there anything wrong with just enjoying each other's company? I know I am cynical towards marriage at this point-no surer way to douse the passion and excitement. We do spend alot of time together, so that is not an issue. "

Not in this place but looking from outside, i feel thats a perfect situation to be in if you are not looking for M.Keeping expectations low is the key.If you are meeting each others needs and wants,i dont see any harm.D's are tough.there are lots of issues--kids, finances, extended family, social circle,etc.Many men/women stay for various reasons even though they have checked out w/o the spouse even being aware of it.

If you are happy in the way it is then why not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 1:24pm

thanks for your responses. i would prefer that he leave the W of course, and he is starting therapy to try and figure out why he can't make the last push and permanently end it, but i never want to be without him and if i have to live with him being just separated, maybe that is what i will have to settle for. As mom said, once you are married, the passion and excitement turn into who left the toilet seat up or down, who left the toothpaste in the sink, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2009
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 12:58am

If you are anything like me, it is impossible to keep your expectations down...especially since you say you would want him to leave his W.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2008
Mon, 02-02-2009 - 7:06am

yes, i took that road and i am very happy for my decision.She is M and i am S divorced guy.I wanted that typical 'more'.we broke off a few times ,just to be back together,stronger than ever.She couldnt leave the M ( for many reasons.main being her kids being of special needs and H was/is financially better off than me to meet those needs) and i couldnt imagine a life without her.Who won? I. And have been on for more than 20 years now.go figure.
I still have to see another man who can do the same !

OP, if your guy chooses to stay M, will you still want to continue?You can if you want to.difficult , but not impossible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 7:42am

Thanks guys. Yes it is very hard to keep the expectations low. But I know I do want to be with him forever and can't imagine not having him in my life after being friends for 20 years and lovers for 2.5, as long as he is truthful with me about where his head is at.


On a hopeful note, he started therapy yesterday to help him get over his reluctance to "pull the trigger" on the marriage. So...maybe that will help clarify things one way or the other in the near future. In the meantime, I am trying not to put all my eggs in one basket, and attempting to expand my horizons a little. So time will tell...although with me being 50, and he being 61, time is a precious commodity.