AP cheating on me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013
AP cheating on me?
12
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:12pm

I've been in affair for almost 6 months. We met on Ashley Madison. I'm starting to really fall for him and he has been saying he loves me for a while. In sooo many ways he is the perfect AP. We text almost all day every day, talk on the phone almost every day, see eachother in person about twice a week. He's literally gone out of his way to do things for me and be with me. He really shows me that he loves me.

But I got a little paranoid, insecure feeling yesterday (out of the blue, no red flags), so I signed up for an Ashley Madison account to check if he had one (He told me months ago he had canceled his.). I used fake information, location, age, everything. I searched for him and found him there. It said he was online. I looked at his profile and a couple hours later when I checked again, he had looked at my profile. I never messaged him pretending to be someone else. When I saw his profile, I almost threw up. I know it's payback, I'm cheating. I know he's a good liar because he lies to his wife to make plans with me. Since we talk constantly and see eachother often, I'm not sure if he'd even be able to see someone else behind *my* back. I didn't confront him today but I asked him some questions to see if he was happy with me and if he wanted to see someone else. Of course, he said he was very happy and there was no one else. I just checked Ashley Madison again and now I can't see his profile. It seemed to have disappeared, when I search by his username or by his age and location. It almost makes me think I was dillusional yesterday! But I really don't think I was.

So, what do you think? Do you think he's looking for another OW? In addition or instead of me? He might have just gone on Ashley Madison in a moment of weakness (thinking grass is always greener on the other side and curious on what is out there), be thinking of trading me in for a better model, be a socio-path who is really really good at showing fake feeling and lying. Should I say something to him? I believe in once a cheater always a cheater (but he's already cheating with me!) and I deserve this, but I'm really hurt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:47pm

Now I am not in an affair & haven't been in one but just from reading on this board & thinking about things it seems that there are different kind of affairs.  There is the type where people don't set out to be in an affair, but maybe they met someone at work, started out as friends, then things progressed.  But you were specifically looking for an affair w/ a guy who was also looking for that.  It seems to me that type of person would be more likely to have different motives for the affair--did you ever discuss what led him to that?  Maybe he was bored at home, maybe he likes the excitement of something new--well after 6 mos. maybe you aren't new any more.  And yes, since you already know he's dishonest w/ his DW, why would you expect more from him?  Maybe he hasn't actually found someone else yet, but you know he's looking.  I would really be skeptical about all those statements of love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 11:56am

He could be seeking others.  Sometimes the hunt is just too addictive. Doesn't mean he's thinking of leaving you. Doesn't mean you are not good enough for him.  Just means he likes the variety, he likes the hunt.

You have a choice of accepting that there may/will be others, and that it's not about you but him. You have a choice of accepting that what you share with him can only exist w/ no pre-conditions and in its own little dream world.

If you try to confront him about this, most likely, he'll lie, mostly not to hurt you. Besides, what do you expect to gain?

You didn't do anything to "deserve" or not to deserve this. It's just life.

You got a have a tough skin to survive the trials and tribulations of an affair.

The other choice you have is to leave, as always, if you feel what you've witnessed is not something you can handle.

It'd have been nice to expect that you'd only have each other as AP's. But that doesn't happen all the time and it's really noone's fault or shortcoming.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 8:38pm

You reap what you sow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 10:37pm
You're right that you reap what you sow. Thats why I said I deserve this. I assume it is just that the hunt is too addictive. The vast amount of time he spends communicating with me would leave him very little time to actually have an affair with someone else. I'm still struggling with whether or not I should say something to him. I know he'd probably just lie but I could show him I know he has an account. He couldn't really lie to get out of that one. But I don't want to break up with him. I don't know whether I should just live with it or show him I know he has an AM account. I know even if he cancels it he could always open a new one later.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 5:13am

My question to you is: why a married man? If you're so attractive, then why not find a single man who can be available to you publicly as well as privately? It's a lie you know to believe you're going to not develop emotional attachment to someone you have sex with. I think you've discovered that. So why not liberate yourself and find a single man who you can legitimately see and have a relationship with?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 9:22am

A's are addictive and so is the chase.  And, although he is in an A with you, he could be pursuing someone else.  That is a possibility.  I dealt with that with my AP, but he is a single guy, and really nothing I can do.  I've learned that as long as I get what I want, that everything else is irrelevent.

Do you really want to open that can of worms with him by telling him you were "spying" on him?  Have you thought about the consequences of that?  What will it accomplish?  Even if he cannot deny it, do you really want the truth?  A's are full of lies and deceit all around.  Noone is truly honest.

If you don't want to break up with him, and you enjoy the A...let it go!  Thinking about it is only making you miserable.  A's aren't supposed to be miserable.  They are supposed to be a good time.  If he is giving you what you want, then why let something like this get you down. 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 4:36pm

As Lost said, I don't think there is much to gain by going on a hunt. He might just say "yes, I am" and move on, or not say it and still move on. If you are ready to lose him, by all means, confront him.

If you don't want to break up with him, then, accept that there may be others.

There is a health aspect to this. Make sure you are using protection when you are with him.

Or, maybe, decide this is too much of a risk to take.

I've accepted that an AP I am with may have others. I wouldn't enter any A w/o that assumption.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 4:39pm

One last note.  Again, this is not about what you deserve or not deserve. This is just the nature of A's.

You are not a less-worthy person because you are in an A.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 4:43pm

Not everyone develops an emotional attachment to a sexual partner. It's not a lie, It depends on the person, no?

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 10:00am

Never ~ you are correct; there is not always an emotional connection.  There can be a strong sexual one without it.

 

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