AP cheating on me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013
AP cheating on me?
12
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:12pm

I've been in affair for almost 6 months. We met on Ashley Madison. I'm starting to really fall for him and he has been saying he loves me for a while. In sooo many ways he is the perfect AP. We text almost all day every day, talk on the phone almost every day, see eachother in person about twice a week. He's literally gone out of his way to do things for me and be with me. He really shows me that he loves me.

But I got a little paranoid, insecure feeling yesterday (out of the blue, no red flags), so I signed up for an Ashley Madison account to check if he had one (He told me months ago he had canceled his.). I used fake information, location, age, everything. I searched for him and found him there. It said he was online. I looked at his profile and a couple hours later when I checked again, he had looked at my profile. I never messaged him pretending to be someone else. When I saw his profile, I almost threw up. I know it's payback, I'm cheating. I know he's a good liar because he lies to his wife to make plans with me. Since we talk constantly and see eachother often, I'm not sure if he'd even be able to see someone else behind *my* back. I didn't confront him today but I asked him some questions to see if he was happy with me and if he wanted to see someone else. Of course, he said he was very happy and there was no one else. I just checked Ashley Madison again and now I can't see his profile. It seemed to have disappeared, when I search by his username or by his age and location. It almost makes me think I was dillusional yesterday! But I really don't think I was.

So, what do you think? Do you think he's looking for another OW? In addition or instead of me? He might have just gone on Ashley Madison in a moment of weakness (thinking grass is always greener on the other side and curious on what is out there), be thinking of trading me in for a better model, be a socio-path who is really really good at showing fake feeling and lying. Should I say something to him? I believe in once a cheater always a cheater (but he's already cheating with me!) and I deserve this, but I'm really hurt.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2013
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 8:21am

nevereasy wrote:

One last note. Again, this is not about what you deserve or not deserve. This is just the nature of A's.

You are not a less-worthy person because you are in an A.

==

I couldn't agree with this more. The whole notion of "you reap what you sow" is so dismissive and generalising. Saying something like this doesn't help anyone.

You can't have known the nature of the relationship as it is now when you first started out with your AP. We are not all the same, which means that not all patrons of Ashley Madison are the same. You don't "deserve" to be cheated on. You deserve to have the freedom and respect for yourself to engage in relationships that make you feel loved and valued.

Does you AP make you feel loved and valued? Do you consider your affair to be a relationship that you want to continue?

I would approach him directly and say that you were feeling insecure and checked AM out of paranoia, and noticed he had been online. Admit your own fault in crossing the privacy line, but bring the topic into play. It's probably important that you discuss what both of your intentions are, it's important to know where you stand. Maybe there's a standard of honesty and being upfront about things that both of you can establish early on, before things drag out and get out of hand...

FWIW, I personally don't believe that whole "once a cheater" garb.. we are constantly evolving creatures who are faced with many different choices and circumstances. Habits can be formed, habits can be broken.

Let us know how you're going with AP..?

Currently researching for our project, Affair Understanding.
Keen to connect with others wanting to discuss their experiences in having an affair.
Feel free to PM me any questions :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 4:14pm

You should assume that if you go looking for an AP on AM that you are not the only AP and you probably never will be.  Either you can accept the nature of an "on purpose" A or you should drop the A. 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 04-09-2013 - 10:00am

Never ~ you are correct; there is not always an emotional connection.  There can be a strong sexual one without it.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 4:43pm

Not everyone develops an emotional attachment to a sexual partner. It's not a lie, It depends on the person, no?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 4:39pm

One last note.  Again, this is not about what you deserve or not deserve. This is just the nature of A's.

You are not a less-worthy person because you are in an A.

==

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 4:36pm

As Lost said, I don't think there is much to gain by going on a hunt. He might just say "yes, I am" and move on, or not say it and still move on. If you are ready to lose him, by all means, confront him.

If you don't want to break up with him, then, accept that there may be others.

There is a health aspect to this. Make sure you are using protection when you are with him.

Or, maybe, decide this is too much of a risk to take.

I've accepted that an AP I am with may have others. I wouldn't enter any A w/o that assumption.

==

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 9:22am

A's are addictive and so is the chase.  And, although he is in an A with you, he could be pursuing someone else.  That is a possibility.  I dealt with that with my AP, but he is a single guy, and really nothing I can do.  I've learned that as long as I get what I want, that everything else is irrelevent.

Do you really want to open that can of worms with him by telling him you were "spying" on him?  Have you thought about the consequences of that?  What will it accomplish?  Even if he cannot deny it, do you really want the truth?  A's are full of lies and deceit all around.  Noone is truly honest.

If you don't want to break up with him, and you enjoy the A...let it go!  Thinking about it is only making you miserable.  A's aren't supposed to be miserable.  They are supposed to be a good time.  If he is giving you what you want, then why let something like this get you down. 

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 5:13am

My question to you is: why a married man? If you're so attractive, then why not find a single man who can be available to you publicly as well as privately? It's a lie you know to believe you're going to not develop emotional attachment to someone you have sex with. I think you've discovered that. So why not liberate yourself and find a single man who you can legitimately see and have a relationship with?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 10:37pm
You're right that you reap what you sow. Thats why I said I deserve this. I assume it is just that the hunt is too addictive. The vast amount of time he spends communicating with me would leave him very little time to actually have an affair with someone else. I'm still struggling with whether or not I should say something to him. I know he'd probably just lie but I could show him I know he has an account. He couldn't really lie to get out of that one. But I don't want to break up with him. I don't know whether I should just live with it or show him I know he has an AM account. I know even if he cancels it he could always open a new one later.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 8:38pm

You reap what you sow.

Pages