AP cheating on me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013
AP cheating on me?
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:12pm

I've been in affair for almost 6 months. We met on Ashley Madison. I'm starting to really fall for him and he has been saying he loves me for a while. In sooo many ways he is the perfect AP. We text almost all day every day, talk on the phone almost every day, see eachother in person about twice a week. He's literally gone out of his way to do things for me and be with me. He really shows me that he loves me.

But I got a little paranoid, insecure feeling yesterday (out of the blue, no red flags), so I signed up for an Ashley Madison account to check if he had one (He told me months ago he had canceled his.). I used fake information, location, age, everything. I searched for him and found him there. It said he was online. I looked at his profile and a couple hours later when I checked again, he had looked at my profile. I never messaged him pretending to be someone else. When I saw his profile, I almost threw up. I know it's payback, I'm cheating. I know he's a good liar because he lies to his wife to make plans with me. Since we talk constantly and see eachother often, I'm not sure if he'd even be able to see someone else behind *my* back. I didn't confront him today but I asked him some questions to see if he was happy with me and if he wanted to see someone else. Of course, he said he was very happy and there was no one else. I just checked Ashley Madison again and now I can't see his profile. It seemed to have disappeared, when I search by his username or by his age and location. It almost makes me think I was dillusional yesterday! But I really don't think I was.

So, what do you think? Do you think he's looking for another OW? In addition or instead of me? He might have just gone on Ashley Madison in a moment of weakness (thinking grass is always greener on the other side and curious on what is out there), be thinking of trading me in for a better model, be a socio-path who is really really good at showing fake feeling and lying. Should I say something to him? I believe in once a cheater always a cheater (but he's already cheating with me!) and I deserve this, but I'm really hurt.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Thu, 04-11-2013 - 4:14pm

You should assume that if you go looking for an AP on AM that you are not the only AP and you probably never will be.  Either you can accept the nature of an "on purpose" A or you should drop the A. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2013
Mon, 05-13-2013 - 8:21am

nevereasy wrote:

One last note. Again, this is not about what you deserve or not deserve. This is just the nature of A's.

You are not a less-worthy person because you are in an A.


I couldn't agree with this more. The whole notion of "you reap what you sow" is so dismissive and generalising. Saying something like this doesn't help anyone.

You can't have known the nature of the relationship as it is now when you first started out with your AP. We are not all the same, which means that not all patrons of Ashley Madison are the same. You don't "deserve" to be cheated on. You deserve to have the freedom and respect for yourself to engage in relationships that make you feel loved and valued.

Does you AP make you feel loved and valued? Do you consider your affair to be a relationship that you want to continue?

I would approach him directly and say that you were feeling insecure and checked AM out of paranoia, and noticed he had been online. Admit your own fault in crossing the privacy line, but bring the topic into play. It's probably important that you discuss what both of your intentions are, it's important to know where you stand. Maybe there's a standard of honesty and being upfront about things that both of you can establish early on, before things drag out and get out of hand...

FWIW, I personally don't believe that whole "once a cheater" garb.. we are constantly evolving creatures who are faced with many different choices and circumstances. Habits can be formed, habits can be broken.

Let us know how you're going with AP..?

Currently researching for our project, Affair Understanding.
Keen to connect with others wanting to discuss their experiences in having an affair.
Feel free to PM me any questions :)