AP cheating on me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2013
AP cheating on me?
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:12pm

I've been in affair for almost 6 months. We met on Ashley Madison. I'm starting to really fall for him and he has been saying he loves me for a while. In sooo many ways he is the perfect AP. We text almost all day every day, talk on the phone almost every day, see eachother in person about twice a week. He's literally gone out of his way to do things for me and be with me. He really shows me that he loves me.

But I got a little paranoid, insecure feeling yesterday (out of the blue, no red flags), so I signed up for an Ashley Madison account to check if he had one (He told me months ago he had canceled his.). I used fake information, location, age, everything. I searched for him and found him there. It said he was online. I looked at his profile and a couple hours later when I checked again, he had looked at my profile. I never messaged him pretending to be someone else. When I saw his profile, I almost threw up. I know it's payback, I'm cheating. I know he's a good liar because he lies to his wife to make plans with me. Since we talk constantly and see eachother often, I'm not sure if he'd even be able to see someone else behind *my* back. I didn't confront him today but I asked him some questions to see if he was happy with me and if he wanted to see someone else. Of course, he said he was very happy and there was no one else. I just checked Ashley Madison again and now I can't see his profile. It seemed to have disappeared, when I search by his username or by his age and location. It almost makes me think I was dillusional yesterday! But I really don't think I was.

So, what do you think? Do you think he's looking for another OW? In addition or instead of me? He might have just gone on Ashley Madison in a moment of weakness (thinking grass is always greener on the other side and curious on what is out there), be thinking of trading me in for a better model, be a socio-path who is really really good at showing fake feeling and lying. Should I say something to him? I believe in once a cheater always a cheater (but he's already cheating with me!) and I deserve this, but I'm really hurt.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 04-03-2013 - 11:56am

He could be seeking others.  Sometimes the hunt is just too addictive. Doesn't mean he's thinking of leaving you. Doesn't mean you are not good enough for him.  Just means he likes the variety, he likes the hunt.

You have a choice of accepting that there may/will be others, and that it's not about you but him. You have a choice of accepting that what you share with him can only exist w/ no pre-conditions and in its own little dream world.

If you try to confront him about this, most likely, he'll lie, mostly not to hurt you. Besides, what do you expect to gain?

You didn't do anything to "deserve" or not to deserve this. It's just life.

You got a have a tough skin to survive the trials and tribulations of an affair.

The other choice you have is to leave, as always, if you feel what you've witnessed is not something you can handle.

It'd have been nice to expect that you'd only have each other as AP's. But that doesn't happen all the time and it's really noone's fault or shortcoming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-02-2013 - 1:47pm

Now I am not in an affair & haven't been in one but just from reading on this board & thinking about things it seems that there are different kind of affairs.  There is the type where people don't set out to be in an affair, but maybe they met someone at work, started out as friends, then things progressed.  But you were specifically looking for an affair w/ a guy who was also looking for that.  It seems to me that type of person would be more likely to have different motives for the affair--did you ever discuss what led him to that?  Maybe he was bored at home, maybe he likes the excitement of something new--well after 6 mos. maybe you aren't new any more.  And yes, since you already know he's dishonest w/ his DW, why would you expect more from him?  Maybe he hasn't actually found someone else yet, but you know he's looking.  I would really be skeptical about all those statements of love.