AP is leaving his W

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
AP is leaving his W
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 9:54am

In case you missed my first posts... we're both M.  I've liked him for years and the feeling was mutual but because we were both M obviously we didn't do anything.  But over time I think both of our M's got worse and we have so much in common we ended up gravitating towards one another.  It was an EA for months and then it became a PA.  It's been up and down and up really fast since we began our A. 

When we first met up and our A evolved from EA to PA, he admitted to having moral issues.  This surprised me a little.  He said it was his first affair and I didn't believe him at first....until he freaked out afterwards.  That made me believe him, he definitely hadn't done this before.  Me neither, for the record.  As we met up and talked he would tell me we had to back off.  He loved his W and couldn't spend so much time thinking about me.  He actually broke it off with me at one point, but we disagree on this point, he said the words 'back off' and I took that to mean 'we're off'.  It lasted 6 hours and he said he tried but he couldn't do it. He couldn't eat, was having extreme anxiety, and didn't want me out of his life.  He admitted to having strong feelings for me and he wanted to tell me he loved me, but wasn't sure if that was ok. I was really nervous at first after this, cause I thought we'd been great and then he'd just ended it.  I met up with him the next day and he talked about us only seeing eachother rarely.  He didn't want his life too complicated.  I reluctantly agreed at first, and then thought about it later, and agreed to it completely.  I love him and I don't want things to be hard on him.  I'm willing to at least try to be patient.  So I told him this.  He was happy.  

But then... ever since I said that he's been contacting me whenever he can and wanting to meet up almost every day.  We've talked for hours at a time. The other day we met up for 2 hours, the longest we've been able to be away so far.  I'm friends with his W on FB.  I knew they were fighting one night cause she was posting nasty stuff about him.  Man did I want to reach through the computer and shake her, poor AP.  This started us talking more about his M and W.  I knew her, I couldn't stand her, couldn't be friends with her even though I tried.  He admitted that nobody can and she will not allow him to have any friends.  The more we talked the more that was coming out and I think I'm the first person he can really talk about this stuff with.

Things went from us talking about it to him constantly saying he wishes he were with me.  I thought this was talk and all sounded very nice.  He does have qualities I greatly value that are lacking in my M. Until it starts sounding more and more like it's gonna happen.  He talks about how his mother will love me, his kids already know he's been planning on leaving for years, he can't wait to be a family and help me raise my kids. At first I thought 'no way', but now, idk, I really love him. When he broke it off I saw how empty my life was if I went back to being without him.  I'm not willing to do it.  I've been unhappy for years and struggling to stay afloat emotionally.  I had actually given up on being happy, cause I was so lonely all the time and H is either never home or if he is he's almost just another child to take care of.  He's not emotionally supportive.  We've been trying to work through our issues and he did make some improvements.  I thought the improvements might help but no, not at all, he's always very dreary or non-responsive.  I get barely a grunt in response when I'm trying to talk with him. Or he just always agrees no matter what I say, that way he doesn't have to say anything beyond 'yep' or just nodding his head.  Now lately he's been texting me at times throughout the day that he loves me and he has tried a few times to be affectionate in the evening.... but it's like flashes of a man I could be happy with...that's all they are, flashes.  

The other day AP and I were together and we talked about when we could be together.  He suggested the new year because he has to get financial things straight first.  I thought he was planning on leaving his W then.  But we talked more and he said he couldn't wait, he was gonna tell her this weekend.  Last night he was sending me chat messages saying he needed to talk.  He went ahead and told her.  He couldn't stand being around her because she acts like she hates him and she's always putting him down.  He said it went really rough but it's all worth it and he'll be out of the house this weekend.  She suspects he has someone else but he would not give me up.  He was really down at first and it killed me that I couldn't run to him and comfort him.

I can't leave until he gets a place ready.  That'll take a while so I'm wondering what I should do in the meantime.  H knows I've been pulling away and now he's acting like he wants to be there.  It's too late.  The time for that is long gone.  I just don't want this to come all at once on him.  I want him to have some idea that I'm thinking of leaving.  He will be hurt regardless but I want to have a civil relationship with him because we will always have to deal with eachother because of the kids.  His family is super vindictive so they will be in his ear about how he should take the kids away.  His side of the family will all hate me, which I'm not so worried about myself, just how it'll affect the kids when they're around them.

I'm still trying to process the situation.  I thought things were gonna move slower and then they ramped up to lightning speed.  It's just too much, I think I need to sit back and really think all this through.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 10:42am

Oh wow!!!  I do agree...this needs to be thought through.  We can all talk about leaving and being with AP's but when it comes time, it's all reality.  And sometimes, that reality can hit us like a ton of bricks.

It sounds like, from what you have said before, that he needed out of his M a long time ago!  He needed out for him.  She sounds like a miserable person.

So now...I guess you have to figure out what you want to do and how you want to handle it.  If you are thinking about ending your M, then you also have to do it for you.  Like I said, reality has set in.  Please don't let him pressure you to make any moves that you are not willing to make right now.  Get out for you!!!   Lots of communication during this time should be key.

Good luck, and I hope it all works out for the best!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 1:27pm

I know, at times I do feel pressured because he'll beg me not to leave him.  He admits how scared he is of losing me.  I love him, I don't want to let him down.  And honestly, the thought of being without him is torture.  I can't even imagine going back to being without him.  So I know what it is I'll eventually have to do.  Even though I care about H, I'm going to have to hurt him.  It makes it hard to be here with him and know that I'm going to hurt him.  But it comes to making a choice... and I'm willing to fight for what I really want.

I talked to him this morning and he told me more about what happened.  She's taking it semi-seriously.  After he initially told her that he was leaving she asked if it was pretty much over and he said yes.  He told her that his feelings have changed and he does not want to be at home.  She said it's fine, she just won't call or text him, he will have to call and text her.  He said she fully expects that he'll feel guilty and come running back.  It will probably get worse as she realizes he's not. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 7:48pm
one of the best bits of advice I was given here was to only leave if I would do it regardless if Cowboy was in my life or not. so while it's hard to imagine life without him, ask yourself if you would still move out if suddenly a bus hit him and took him out of your life without warning. My AP is also divorcing and it's very much a similar situation to yours except that he never felt guilt. I think he would love for me to move out of my house and straight into his but I haven't given him the option. I told him I'm looking for a place and the lease will be a year. He's welcome to sleep over and I'm happy to sleep over at his place but that first year is going to be us forming a relationship outside the secrecy and complications of an A.