AP left W

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
AP left W
13
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 11:07am

Okay, so I think last time I posted, it was a while back and the boards were messed up.  AP had told his W it was over and they were separating.  He's been to the lawyer and the papers are being drawn up.  I don't know the specifics beyond that.  I know he's staying at his mom's house until it's straightened out and he's looking for a place of his own.

My head is spinning this all happened so fast.  I knew I loved him.  I wasn't even contemplating leaving M in the beginning but now I am.  Not only contemplating, but planning for it.  I was so miserable before. I went through therapy for years, trying to figure out how to make things better.  I had a shopping and food addiction....bad.  I lost weight though and then really had a shopping addiction.  Now I don't, cause AP makes me happy.  The thought of going on without AP is depressing, like I would be an empty shell.  AP is loving, caring, compassionate, expressive... I've always thought this about him.  I've known (and liked) him for 4 years but it was only in September that we started an EAS and in October it became P.  Goodness, things went lightning speed from there.  

Now H has been suspicious , but yesterday AP's W saw H working and told him AP said that he and I were talking before he left her.  She was fishing because AP never mentioned talking to me.  He wouldn't, he's doing everything possible to keep things amicable until D is final.  Also, he knows she would blow a gasket and expose me and that would make my situation hell. Plus, if she really knew, she'd have confronted AP instead of my H.  Now he's really all over me and I have to try to smooth things over because I'm not in a position to leave yet.  I'd love to tell him so I don't have to pretend everything is okay.  

Right now I'm just going through the motions at home.  It sucks because nobody is happy here.  I want out, H is suspicious, and the kids are miserable and have been because H is always a jerk to them.  I've threatened to leave him so many times because he always acts like they're in his way.  He yells at them when they want anything, he yells at them when they're in his way, he doesn't do things with them, he wants them out of the way.  I've been watching him more and more trying to find times when he does something nice for them.  It doesn't happen.  He fixes dinner and then lectures them on not making a mess and practically throws the food at them.  He yells when they want something.  He never responds in a normal manner.  And then he gets furious with them because they will come outside to find me to ask me something even if he's sitting right there in front of them.  I wonder why.  This has always bothered me, one of the reasons for my therapy (trying to figure out how I can be better enough to make the situation better), but it's been worse since I've started really watching.  I also had a talk with my oldest who is 8 and in a roundabout manner talked about different situations, one of them being them alone with their dad, and her face fell and she shook her head and said it wasn't good, it wasn't happy, it was bad.  It broke my heart.  He's always making them scream and cry and then he gets mad at them for how they're reacting.  Anyway, I'm done.  I'm just done.  Nobody is gonna know about this though.  I'm gonna be the bad guy, but I'm coming to terms with that.  To everybody else, he's a nice guy and good dad.  Ugh.  There are other reasons to leave, his ignoring me and our sexlife being completely unbearable, but... I don't know... I don't think it would be enough to actually make me leave. If he were a good dad even some of the time, I would probably at least stay until they were older. 

AP has grown kids, youngest is a senior in high school.  I've witnessed the father he is.  He treats his animals better than H treats our kids.  I mentioned that once and H glared at me, but it was true.  

I hate what's coming.  I'm gonna be the bad guy.  I'm sure this will be the scandal of the year for everyone else.  H's family will have a field day.  It will be messy and I'm sure tons of people will hate me.  It's one or the other though, stay or go, and staying here seems an impossible choice anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
In reply to: tornbtwntwo
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 10:01pm

Isn't it amazing how much sadness and happiness can reside in love?  Your situation is much like I would imagine mine would have been like had my H not completely rejected me.  That single painful act saved me from a whole lot of hurt and drama.  My advice?  Don't leave because you want to be with AP.  Leave because you want to leave.  It's going to be one of the most difficult moments of your life.  And that's recycled advice I got here ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012
In reply to: tornbtwntwo
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 10:15pm

Torn,

My heart aches for your situation.  I am glad you found happiness in your AP.  I can, too, imagine living with mediocre relationship and even a crappy sex life (I do!), but his being a jerk to the kids is terrible.  Don't worry about the mess that will ensue if you leave. Who cares what narrow minded people think, especially if they haven't the capacity to see he's a jerk and how the kids feel about being alone with him, for goodness sake!  The mess will die down. Eventually, maybe it will take a long time, but you will emerge happier, healthier, and done with the mess (and so will your kids). Just be strong and go deep inside yourself for the answer. If you chose to leave, be strong and do it because you and your kids deserve to be happy.  Everyone else be damned!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
In reply to: tornbtwntwo
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 3:58am

Ok , in your previous posts you said you didn't  want to leave your M   &   now  that  your AP has decided to end  his M , you are suddenly willing to dump your H to be with him ? Seriously to me it seems  you are just  rewriting history ,lots of us  do that in order to justify our actions. The fact is  that by having an affair you are making a conscious choice to  ruin your  M , no matter if .its a good marriage or already-troubled one.

    May be,  its time you need to be  finally honest with your H , about your affair &  your AP whom you are leaving your H for . Dont waste your  time  & energy  just  to keep   pretending .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
In reply to: tornbtwntwo
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:09am

No rewriting of history needed.  I've threatened to leave multiple times over the years because he's a jerk to the kids. (Just this morning he yelled at them to 'Shut the F up' just because they were talking, and this is a normal occurence whenever they make any noise at all)  I always try to just handle it though, like I calm the kids down or I calm him down.  It's how I've dealt with this for years.  At first I wasn't willing to leave my M, I didn't think that was ever an option.  I can't support the kids on my own and didn't suspect I'd find another love.  I've been single before, and couldn't stand it, much less being a single mom with lots of kids.  Not any situation I'd even want to think about.  I'd stay in M even if unhappy, try to fill the emptiness with something else.  But now there's AP.  Once I realized I had the option to leave and really had time to think about it, dang, I want to leave even if AP wasn't in the picture.

No rewriting needed sex-wise either. It's been a chore for YEARS but if I don't then H is a complete jerk to me as well... so for years, about every 3rd day, I try.  It sucks.  I used to wish we could turn into one of those couples that don't have sex at all ever.  And now being with AP, I've rediscovered passion, and that's been completely missing for longer than I can say.

I wouldn't say I'm rewriting history, just NEWLY discovering myself and what I want.  I don't need to justify what I'm doing because I know it's wrong, it is whether I have a good reason or not.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2011
In reply to: tornbtwntwo
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:09am

No rewriting of history needed.  I've threatened to leave multiple times over the years because he's a jerk to the kids. (Just this morning he yelled at them to 'Shut the F up' just because they were talking, and this is a normal occurence whenever they make any noise at all)  I always try to just handle it though, like I calm the kids down or I calm him down.  It's how I've dealt with this for years.  At first I wasn't willing to leave my M, I didn't think that was ever an option.  I can't support the kids on my own and didn't suspect I'd find another love.  I've been single before, and couldn't stand it, much less being a single mom with lots of kids.  Not any situation I'd even want to think about.  I'd stay in M even if unhappy, try to fill the emptiness with something else.  But now there's AP.  Once I realized I had the option to leave and really had time to think about it, dang, I want to leave even if AP wasn't in the picture.

No rewriting needed sex-wise either. It's been a chore for YEARS but if I don't then H is a complete jerk to me as well... so for years, about every 3rd day, I try.  It sucks.  I used to wish we could turn into one of those couples that don't have sex at all ever.  And now being with AP, I've rediscovered passion, and that's been completely missing for longer than I can say.

I wouldn't say I'm rewriting history, just NEWLY discovering myself and what I want.  I don't need to justify what I'm doing because I know it's wrong, it is whether I have a good reason or not.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
In reply to: Love_Guru
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 11:20am

"...I don't need to justify what I'm doing because I know it's wrong,....."

Well thats exactly what you did , rationalize your actions .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: juliasuk
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 11:52am

Love-guru,

What do you suggest the OP does? Stay with an a-e of a h who abuses her and her children and whom she can't stand touching for the next twenty years, so that she can say 'see? I'm good and proper and have done nothing wrong?' Forget all about someone who could be her chance of true happiness? What, you think we all get several lives? One to be good, next to be happy?

What's your story, if I may ask?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012
In reply to: Love_Guru
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 2:45pm

Ok juliask , I guess I missed the part where she said that her H abuses her & her kids , sorry my bad . So yes  I agree , OP  needs to get rid of her H as soon as possible. However , I think she still needs to be honest with her H  about her true  feelings for her H , her affair & her  AP ,   no matter how horrible her H has been .

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
In reply to: cowgirl7795
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 8:34am

You know what honesty would get her at this point?  Her kids taken away from her.  An abusive man is not going to be a reasonable man.  He's going to be vengeful and make her pay if she's honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: juliasuk
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 8:40am

So..what she described, his treatment of his children and his wife is NOT abuse in your book?

I won't even comment on that.

And..re: 'telling him the truth'...you seriously have got to be joking here. This is, sorry to say, absolutely stupid to even suggest. He is not stable, he's a nut, he can get physical.... You can't really mean it. 'Telling the truth' before breaking up is, shall we say, NOT the wisest thing to do, imho, even if the person you're leaving is perfectly sane and reasonable. What on earth would it achieve except he** for all concerned?

Again, what  is you own affair story? Are you having an affair? Have you had a serious affair in the past? Why are you posting here?

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