AP left W
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|Mon, 11-05-2012 - 11:07am|
Okay, so I think last time I posted, it was a while back and the boards were messed up. AP had told his W it was over and they were separating. He's been to the lawyer and the papers are being drawn up. I don't know the specifics beyond that. I know he's staying at his mom's house until it's straightened out and he's looking for a place of his own.
My head is spinning this all happened so fast. I knew I loved him. I wasn't even contemplating leaving M in the beginning but now I am. Not only contemplating, but planning for it. I was so miserable before. I went through therapy for years, trying to figure out how to make things better. I had a shopping and food addiction....bad. I lost weight though and then really had a shopping addiction. Now I don't, cause AP makes me happy. The thought of going on without AP is depressing, like I would be an empty shell. AP is loving, caring, compassionate, expressive... I've always thought this about him. I've known (and liked) him for 4 years but it was only in September that we started an EAS and in October it became P. Goodness, things went lightning speed from there.
Now H has been suspicious , but yesterday AP's W saw H working and told him AP said that he and I were talking before he left her. She was fishing because AP never mentioned talking to me. He wouldn't, he's doing everything possible to keep things amicable until D is final. Also, he knows she would blow a gasket and expose me and that would make my situation hell. Plus, if she really knew, she'd have confronted AP instead of my H. Now he's really all over me and I have to try to smooth things over because I'm not in a position to leave yet. I'd love to tell him so I don't have to pretend everything is okay.
Right now I'm just going through the motions at home. It sucks because nobody is happy here. I want out, H is suspicious, and the kids are miserable and have been because H is always a jerk to them. I've threatened to leave him so many times because he always acts like they're in his way. He yells at them when they want anything, he yells at them when they're in his way, he doesn't do things with them, he wants them out of the way. I've been watching him more and more trying to find times when he does something nice for them. It doesn't happen. He fixes dinner and then lectures them on not making a mess and practically throws the food at them. He yells when they want something. He never responds in a normal manner. And then he gets furious with them because they will come outside to find me to ask me something even if he's sitting right there in front of them. I wonder why. This has always bothered me, one of the reasons for my therapy (trying to figure out how I can be better enough to make the situation better), but it's been worse since I've started really watching. I also had a talk with my oldest who is 8 and in a roundabout manner talked about different situations, one of them being them alone with their dad, and her face fell and she shook her head and said it wasn't good, it wasn't happy, it was bad. It broke my heart. He's always making them scream and cry and then he gets mad at them for how they're reacting. Anyway, I'm done. I'm just done. Nobody is gonna know about this though. I'm gonna be the bad guy, but I'm coming to terms with that. To everybody else, he's a nice guy and good dad. Ugh. There are other reasons to leave, his ignoring me and our sexlife being completely unbearable, but... I don't know... I don't think it would be enough to actually make me leave. If he were a good dad even some of the time, I would probably at least stay until they were older.
AP has grown kids, youngest is a senior in high school. I've witnessed the father he is. He treats his animals better than H treats our kids. I mentioned that once and H glared at me, but it was true.
I hate what's coming. I'm gonna be the bad guy. I'm sure this will be the scandal of the year for everyone else. H's family will have a field day. It will be messy and I'm sure tons of people will hate me. It's one or the other though, stay or go, and staying here seems an impossible choice anymore.