AP lied to me with 3 other women

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
AP lied to me with 3 other women
15
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 4:38am

Everyone...

I am not new here...I have been here for a long time and been having probs with AP and working for him (see post:

Worried?? :-(

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 6:16am

anyone with any ideas or advise/help...

I keep going through so many questions in my mind about this....I had solid proof of an email....weather they were joking or not I dont know - but in my heart - something tells me they are having an affair...so what - so am i right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 8:53am
???? noone any advice??
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 10:28am

Honestly, after reading your post it really sounds like to me that he might be classified as a sex addict. People who have affairs are not necessarily sex addicts, but sex addicts always have affairs, usually multiple ones. Google 'sex addict' and start reading. Like any other type of addiction, once is never enough...and in this case, one is not enough. If he's juggling all these women at once, that is pretty amazing and also shows how out of control he is with this.

And just because you have not been symptomatic of an STD does not mean you have been infected. When was the last time you had a thorough check-up at the dr's? If it's been a while, I would make an appt. and have you screened for everything...esp. HPV(that can be present in the body for years before showing up).

Big hugs as you try to figure this one out...

dharmagurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 10:35am

You posted very early on a Sunday morning - you can't expect instant advice - this isn't a chat room! LOL!

My only advice is to get yourself away from the situation. If you REALLY feel you're in some kind of danger because you know about your APs "other women", then you're saying you think he's capable of murder? The way he tells you he loves you and actually acts like he cares so much - yet has two other APs and a wife - AND the fact that you feel endangered with the knowledge - suggests that he's a sociopath, and the best place to be if you're involved with a sociopath is AWAY from them. I agree that if that is the case you have to be careful. End it with him amicably, tell him you just can't do it anymore.

But PLEASE don't continue to be involved with him because "you love him". He's involved with three other women, counting his wife!! You are NOT safe from STDs. You can't believe anything he tells you! Just get away from him.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 10:44am

Thankyou dharmagurl...


ROFL...he is a sex addict I know that...and yes he does sound out of control...it was great to know that someone else said this and not just me...makes me feel better...

In regards to the STD - I will get this sorted out as I thought if u got one u get signs - like your immune system going or spots etc...ill get checked...

I still havent comprehended it....im not even sure if two of the three are affiars...but one of them - he and her were far to friendly just to be friends and his gone round to her place...they were working together...she no longer works with him...and he wrote

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 10:51am

There is a lot of frantic drama in your post. Danger? Because you now know is a very capable of being a liar instead of justifying that he only lies to his wife? Danger? There is no danger if you walk away and don't make more drama. His having more than one on the side is more common than you think especially in this easy access to finding and communicating age.


Don't kid yourself. You may feel love for him but you now have to access how realistically you didn't really know the real him. You might love the man you thought he was but obviously this further discovery is shaking that picture up of what your relationship really is. He is probably not capable of a 'true' relationship with anyone, not just you. Do you understand that?


You may have to deal with grieving this whole thing and that is not pleasant to think of hence that you have a lot of "can'ts'" in your post...but the writing is literaly on the wall now....its up to you how you are happy in the future and that is what a lot of affairs are about, someone ELSE making us happy....you have to do the work now to make you happy and that means having to go through the unhappiness for awhile...of getting out of the habit of him and finding something that is true and healthy. Healthy relationships are hard enough. This is a no win situation to stay in...for YOU. You are kidding yourself that a man wouldve told you that others would be involved (they don't, why would they want the hassle of reaction)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 10:59am

Oooh, no. Some infections will show up fairly quickly (syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes), but like I said there are those infections that don't reveal themselves right away. HPV only shows if you have one of the 20+ strains that gives you warts....but that's a small amount. The majority of the HPV strains don't give warts, hang out in the body until the immune system is somehow weakened and can be detected on the cervix. These strains also cause cervical cancer which is why it is so important to get the annual PAP smear.

The guy sounds really off to me. Like another poster said, it sounds almost sociopathic. I would definitely remove myself gracefully but run, don't walk, from the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 11:04am

thank you lexione - see the post ive just done to dharmagurl....i know but its 16.01 pm here - soz about the time...

All I saw was one opened email to this women in his inbox...with the convo....but then that was enough to lead me to believe me to think they were having an affair...


The problem does not lie heroin the fact that his with another AP - I can deal with that but actually the fact that they are planning meeting up next week and his not told me that...his not told me about a couple of other things that he had in his inbox that concerned me neither...

All of a sudden this last month his been very full on but then when i read the email - she has been away for the last month - so that makes sense...this week he said ' will try to get to see u' with such a tenderness and neediness in his voice...that when i looked at his inbox...it shattered me...

I may be over-reacting and it may have just been a little joke going on between them....???

I can work out which one it is at the moment which is why at the moment im having a good cry...

Thing is I dont want to end things with him just yet...if I break it with him (going to have a convo and digg it in there' would he tell me if he was having an affair' on msn messenger - its kinda non personal that way? what do think....
want to give him a fair chance to explain....but how?

Should I?

Is he having an affair or not?

I am so confused right now....I dont want to loose him as I know he does generally love me, but then...all of this has got me questioning it....

I know ive got to ask him - just hope he doesn't get short tempered like he has before?

Any ideas on how I could approach this subject - to see what he says????


Thank you everyone for your advice - im taking it all on board...and contemplating it all...but may take some time for it all to sink in!

AP_Lied_to_me xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 11:22am

And my love horoscope for today reads this????

How stupid is this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 12:35pm

I don't understand why you think because you discovered he's not messing around with only you, you think this knowledge could be fatal. Yet, you say he's not a violent man. I just don't get why you're jumping to this rather dramatic conclusion about him. It seems exaggerated to me. You've given us no reason to think this, based on your information.

Another thing I don't get is why he would give you access to his email when he had all of this incriminating evidence in it.

If this situation is as extreme as you suggest, then my advice to you is to just get out of the relationship. You don't have to tell him you know anything. Just tell him you don't want to be involved with a married man anymore and find a new job.

Personally, I think you're blowing things way out of proportion.

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