AP offered new job
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| Tue, 07-28-2009 - 10:48pm |
My AP has been offered a job with a rival company that for many reasons which I can't go into here would be a good career move for him. He's older and very experienced and has become fed up with the company we both work for.
Also in his personal life it would make his home life easier - we had a DDay and his wife knows that we had become "friends" - and she flips out at least once a week knowing we still work together. this is her dream come true.
But my AP is torn. Because of me. We love knowing we can see each other every day right now - even if just for 15 minutes. He thinks we can still maintain a relationship if he moves on - he thinks it might be easier to meet up for lunch or a drink.
I think he's wrong. I think that if he leaves we will call back and forth at first but we will no longer be a team at work, it will be even harder to see each other. It feels like my heart is breaking. He tells me all of the time that he can't imagine his life without me in it - and that I need to have faith that if he does move we will make it work. I think he's being unrealistic.
So do I urge him to go for it - because I love him - and it would be a good move for him OR do I tell him how I feel - that I don't want him to leave - that I predict it will be the end of our R.

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hi Songs, I know that you may have your concerns about your AP's career move but from how i see it is - wherever your ap moves or does not
"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"
You hit the nail on the head sugar-n-spice - I do not want him to stay for me and then feel he passed on his dream job. Our current company is in the process of major restructuring and each of us is being micro-managed. Nobody likes it but it REALLY wears AP down. By contrast this rival company would give him all of the tools to succeed. They are investing lots of money in the subfield that we work in.
I am in IC and my therapist asked me how I would feel if he left. I realized that I have felt really successful for the first time in years just since being taken under AP's wing. I realize that in my mind I feel like I am nothing without him. Not healthy. He definitely doesn't feel that way and can't understand why i doubt myself. I have some major "work" to do on myself.
I did tell him today how I felt and he said this is not like you (I'm usually very optimistic). He said "you're not even looking at the glass half empty - you think the glass is empty and you've smashed it against the wall." I had to laugh. He's right. I hate change. He thinks the sun shines out my a$$ and I am going to miss that. Cause I've checked and there's no sunshine down there!
He said "please trust me that I will make this work. I love you more than you realize and I will not lose this (meaning our R)~ it is way too important to me."
Hi Songs.
My AP and I were also coworkers in the beginning - that's how we met.
He was offered the job and he accepted it. His W has had her prayers answered.
I could not stop crying today. If I had eaten lunch I would have vomited. He is telling me that we will have a better chance of spending time together - less often but better quality.
I just forced myself to eat a little dinner so that no eyebrows would be raised. I wish I could go to sleep and this would be a bad dream. I don't want to go to work tomorrow - which is weird because I will get to see him and then not again till monday. I just predict more crying. No eating. I've lost my mentor, my friend, my color.
Maybe I shouldn't have eaten anything.
Songs -
Sorry to get back to you so late - I have not checked the board in a few days.
Thank you Anon for your encouraging words.
I am very open with him regarding my feelings which include: fear (of failing at my job now that we are no longer a team AND fear of losing him completely), anger, abandonment, sorrow. I am afraid that my sharing will make me less attractive to him but it's actually the opposite.
He said he agonized all weekend about taking the job - the only reason he didn't say yes as soon as they offered it was ~ me. He was concerned for me and knew I would be hurt. But he says he is taking the long view. We had a DDay in April and now she drives out to our workplace as a "surprise" to meet him for lunch, she calls him to argue, she questions him about us constantly. This is our best shot at maintaining the R for the long term.
But I cannot tell you how much this has rocked me. I am so sad it scares me. so I put a call into my therapist yesterday but I believe she is out of town.
I did see my therapist on thursday and it was a really helpful session. I will share what I learned here in case it helps anyone else.
I asked how would I get through that first week in september without him - she said that it is too soon to worry about that - we will deal with it when it comes. *** I was making my low mood worse by dwelling and anticipating how much I will miss him. I need to focus on today. To just manage today.***
I told her that my DH was aware that I was VERY sad - crying - this week. She told me since I won't see AP till monday to just focus on my kids, the pleasure of a sunny day, a cup of hot tea, a bubble bath, to shut down my mind which is running like a hamster on a wheel and focus on this present moment. That's all we have. Any one of us could be gone in a heartbeat.***I was torturing myself by constantly replaying an intimate scene with my AP from the past or visualizing the loss of our everyday contact in the future ie. not seeing his truck in the lot, his desk being empty, etc I say "STOP. DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. LET IT GO."***
She told to me to pull back my emotions - to withdraw a little - like bringing in the deck chairs before a storm.
Focus on rituals - those chores and hobbies that you perform around the house - really absorb them.
That's it for now. I spent the day at the beach yesterday with my DH and it went really well. My mood is better.
Hi Song,
I'm fairly new here so I don't know the full story so my apologies...
But can I ask where the relationship is going with AP?
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