AP offered new job

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
AP offered new job
21
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 10:48pm

My AP has been offered a job with a rival company that for many reasons which I can't go into here would be a good career move for him. He's older and very experienced and has become fed up with the company we both work for.

Also in his personal life it would make his home life easier - we had a DDay and his wife knows that we had become "friends" - and she flips out at least once a week knowing we still work together. this is her dream come true.

But my AP is torn. Because of me. We love knowing we can see each other every day right now - even if just for 15 minutes. He thinks we can still maintain a relationship if he moves on - he thinks it might be easier to meet up for lunch or a drink.

I think he's wrong. I think that if he leaves we will call back and forth at first but we will no longer be a team at work, it will be even harder to see each other. It feels like my heart is breaking. He tells me all of the time that he can't imagine his life without me in it - and that I need to have faith that if he does move we will make it work. I think he's being unrealistic.

So do I urge him to go for it - because I love him - and it would be a good move for him OR do I tell him how I feel - that I don't want him to leave - that I predict it will be the end of our R.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2009
Sat, 08-15-2009 - 10:28pm

Song,


One more thing....My AP's wife will also be thrilled when I leave!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 8:43pm

Hi Mickey - thank you for sharing your story.

AP and I have known each other as coworkers for several years but our PA began back in November. We both considered leaving our spouses. I told him in January that I would leave my M for him - he said he needed to work it out for himself. We set a date of may 19 for his decision. Then - we had a DDay in April with his W (my DH does not suspect a thing) - she fell apart - a complete basket case - he couldn't leave her like that - and since then it has been hell for AP and his W and me.

She thinks it was an EA and as long as he sees me every day she is afraid that he still has feelings. Quite rightly. He has been in love with me and I believe still is. But the nightly tears, the texts, pleading emails, morning arguments have worn him down. And it didn't help that there was some major restructuring at work that leaves everyone micromanaged to the hilt. He still promised for weeks that he would not leave. But she finally wore him down. And a headhunter called. And that's it.

I think he sincerely believes that he can make our R work - he promises to call every day, to see me once a week. We'll see.

I dread tomorrow morning. Every Monday. Always afraid that he will come in and say it is finally really over. I will wear his fav pants. How pathetic am I?

But all I need to do is get through tomorrow. I do not need to figure out if he will maintain contact, if my new "boss" will be as capable as my AP, if I will start crying at work and be unable to stop. I just have to show up and stay calm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Thu, 08-20-2009 - 6:31am

His last day will be tues 8/25. He starts his new job on aug 31.

I asked yesterday when I will see him again. He said as soon as I possibly can. I asked when will I talk to him again. He said as soon as I possibly can.

I am thinking of saying good bye to him on tuesday. Telling him thank you for everything. Tell him how much I enjoyed his friendship. That way if we never talk again I'll feel I had closure. He gets upset everytime I phrase things in the past tense right now. He's convinced or fooled himself into thinking we will be able to maintain the same close relationship. I said yesterday that we may be able to still have a relationship going forward but I felt that we needed to acknowledge that the one we had is ending on tuesday. It will never be the same.

In my own mind I am going to pick a day that he should have called by - if he doesn't then I am done and at least I can grieve properly and start to heal.

any thought - especially from anyone who has been through this?

I could use some prayers to help me be strong too . . :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 6:23pm

Today was his last day. I cried. Oh well. I cried at the counter in front of customers. I cried in front of AP. I cried in front of coworkers. I has clearly been crying when AP's boss came by to offer me support and encouragement. Sheeesh!!

My goal tomorrow is to get through the day without crying.

He will call at some point to say hello and then I probably won't hear from him for a week or more as he spends time at home with W before starting new job and then will get swept into all the craziness of starting a new position.

Because of the intense scrutiny of his W (don;t blame her) we don't know when we'll see each other again. I have a soft melancholy part of my heart that believes that we will never be together again. He asks me to just be patient and trust him that he will contact me as soon as he is able to. I can't call him, visit him - nothing. He will contact me when things calm down at home.

Maybe by then I'll have defogged enough to end it and let us both go free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 9:48pm

My heart bleeds for you, Songs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Tue, 09-22-2009 - 6:48am

Thought I would add an update to my original post . . .
AP left our job in Aug. I have seen him twice in 4 weeks for a half hour at a time in a parking lot. We talk now almost every weekday.

My new "partner" at work is an egotistical, self-absorbed yahoo who hasn't even once asked about my goals or my family. I have got to stop comparing him to my AP or I will never be successful there again. Every day I walk through the building that I used to share with AP - this s*cks.

My AP has always been honest with me. I ask some questions that are hard to hear the answers to and he always tells me the truth.

* He absolutely cannot bear the thought of her ever finding out he is still in contact with me. So we can only meet when there is no risk of discovery.
* Yesterday, when I asked if he feels his marriage is fulfilling, he said yes, it is very fulfilling. I told him this is very different from how he felt about it when our A began and he agreed. I think our D-Day opened her eyse and she has made big changes.
*Of course I ask "well then why do you still want to see me?" He loves me and feels young with me again and I accept him just as he is. He can talk to me about music and books and being outdoors. and he likes his cake.

So why do I not have enough self esteem to end this? I realize he will never leave his W - he almost did but decided to stay with her. I'm afraid my life will go from technicolor HD widescreen to small rabbit ears B&W . . . how do I make myself excited and happy without this blasted A?! How does one replace the incredible drug of an A??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Tue, 09-22-2009 - 9:54am

I had tears in my eyes after reading this Songs. You have been through the wringer and are still throwing limbs in there ready for another go around. I am so sorry for th pain you are feeling right now.

My only thoughts for you would be that you can feel him slipping away so maybe its time to end it before it gets ugly. You dont want to turn into the stereotypical loony woman who is after a man that wont leave his W. Gather up all the dignity you can muster and let him go.

You have a (i assume) good H and wonderful children to fall back on. The A may or may not have served its purpose (i am a believer things happen for a reason- however twisted it may be) and now its time for you to rejoin your family as a complete unit without AP. His leaving was a sign that it was time for you to say goodbye and to cheapen the memories you have left with these awful 1/2 hour meets in the carpark. Thats not how you want to remember him and the "us" you shared.

Get some T and begin to rebuild the side of you that once loved your H so dearly and I believe that you can in time.

Noone deserved this much pain, but you can rebuild your M - they are already there waiting for you.

Blessings.

SB

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Tue, 09-22-2009 - 6:23pm

Thank you for your insightful reply - you gave me some food for thought.

My DH is a really good man - we became a couple when I was 25 and I understand now why I made that choice. My kids are incredibly smart, strong willed people and I do realize how lucky I am. I just feel like my R is "good enough", that I am settling, instead of taking the road less travelled and going for the whole shebang.

I am working with a T. our weekly sessions now focus on why I have such low self esteem that I would choose to be in this relationship. I spent two years in college dating a "taken" man so I am repeating history if you will. Both men were my "soulmates" - we had an amazing connection and s*x was electric. It makes me sad to think that 20 years later I am doing this again. arrgghh!

I pray that I will figure this out so I never repeat it!

I have been wrestling with ending it. But I just hate to give up on anything. Especially something so special to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 12:22pm

I did it.

We talked in the morning as our respective work days started and I heard about his MC session last night and how hard it is for him to make promises and commit to his M which he doesn't want to lose, and yet still want to be with me. He said he loves me but can't bear the thought of losing his marriage. But he feels like eventually we would be caught.

It was like watching a racehorse stumble around with a broken leg. You know someone has to shoot it.

I listened for a while - my heart dropping - and then I gathered every bit of strength I had and said "O.K. I will do it if you can't - this way you don't have to be the bad guy. I am done. It is over. I wish you the best and I hope your M continues to heal, Maybe we'll see each other again some day." And I hung up.

The most telling reply from him ~ is that he did not call me back.

I then went downstairs - crying - and threw up. Thought about leaving work but I am going to be in pain where ever I go. So now home at lunch. Wanted to drink but am afraid of what I would do if I was even more depressed by the alcohol.

I vow not to go back on this decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Thu, 09-24-2009 - 6:30pm

Songs -


I don't get the chance to post on this board as I once did - but I was catching up on some of the posts today - and saw that you had posted this.


I am sending you tons of love and hugs for having the strength to do what was truly best for everyone concerned - I know you don't see it now - but it honestly will get a little bit better every single day.


If you haven't already - please post over on Ending Affair Support - there is an amazing group of women over there that have been exactly in your shoes and will be able to help guide you through this every step of the way.

lightning in my heart