AP won't have sex anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2009
AP won't have sex anymore
6
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 1:38pm

Hi, i have been having affair for over 2 years now with M woman...I am M too and in the process of leaving in two months...i am getting my own house and going to be separated till we can afford the divorce...My W knows I don't love her but she is being reasonable..My AP has separated from H, H moved in with a friend temp. they are in the process of working out details of what to do with house and finances...its really bad for them. So the guilt has been very bad for her for most of the affair but i always convinced her to keep it up and she always had sex with me..the sex is incredible for both of us and we have never felt this before with spouses..we have told each other we want to be with each other in future, but of course we have so many complications with children and finances..She told me she only want to keep in touch by IM now and i have convinced her to see me a few times..last time we kissed and it got hot but she says she feels too guilty to have sex now..I know its not cause shes having sex with H..cause they are so far apart. I miss it and she says she misses US too. She says that she has mixed feelings about having sex with me and says that she will feel differently when she feels good about herself again..when she gets her own place and is making more money on her own. I don't know what to do, she will see me but only wants to talk now...i mean we had sex like 2-3x a week for 2 yrs. now nothing..should i just be her friend and wait for her to come around? don't have a lot of choices, but can tell she still wants me but just is filed with guilt now and says she never has faced her feelings and needs to do that.




Edited 1/25/2009 1:48 pm ET by wanttobewithher
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 1:54pm

My first guess is that she needs to sort this all out. Saying that you both would leave your spouse and now actually doing it, is probably scaring her. This is a big change for both of you. I think you should give her the space and time she needs. Be there for her when she needs to talk. If you are willing to wait, time will tell. One thing that I have read over and over on these boards is that when you do leave your marriage, it should be for yourself, not for your AP. It sounds like this is what she needs to think through.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 2:12pm

It is apparent you love her and she you. Now more then ever she needs you to be her friend.

I can imagine you are missing the intimacy and know that is very difficult. It will come

back us woman are emotional and we need sometimes to step back when we feel overwhelmed.

I applaud you taking the steps towards a new life--and yes it must be for YOU.

Keep posting we are here for support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 2:23pm
Yes we love each other so much and she tells me she misses the intimacy too but just can't be with me...Grrr! I'm trying to understand..and be her friend. it's hard..
I don't love my W anymore and she doesn't love her H in the way they need.
Just miss the intimacy a lot!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 3:15pm

Well that is what Affairs are for--great sex. Of course you miss and and she too!
But now you two have taken the next step--at least you have and good for you!
Hopefully she will follow and soon things will be as they were.

Once the love is gone it is time to leave the M. The spouse deserves to be with someone
who will love them as well.

Hang in there and don't give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 4:10pm
Right thats what they are all about..sex..until you fall in love and then you want the sex cause of love..now i have to wait till she wants to again..thanks for the kind words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 7:18pm
You are welcome. I am sure this is difficult for her. Amazing to feel the love, no one should have to live without passion and love in one's life. Yes, the decision to leave can be challenging, especially when it comes to the children. Take care.