Are my expectations reasonable
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| Sat, 11-01-2008 - 3:18am |
OK, guys and gals, lay it on me, really. I am going through a lot of introspection this weekend, as the BF is out of town with the W. I am S, he is M. We've been together for about 18 months. We are, ostensibly, moving toward his divorce in the spring. Time is always what we argue about. He says he feels like he can never do enough, that nothing is good enough. I feel slighted when he doesn't meet my expectations. Sooo, here's the thing: I really need some perspective, because I wonder if my expectations are way too high. He works full time plus and goes to school part time. His W does very little around the house, so he has both housework and home improvement to deal with.
My expectations follow:
• call me every day
• spend one late afternoon/evening with me a week and have dinner with me
• sex at least once or twice a week
• one early morning visit a week
• 1-3 hours of time on one or both of the weekend days for us to do whatever we want to do.
This is my baseline. In all honesty, when we fall below this, I start getting grouchy. I have felt like I am having to ask for time all of the time, but perhaps the real problem is I need to be more flexible. Thoughts? I really need some perspective. It's OK to bash if I am being a HMB.

Hmmm, they are your rules and it's up to you guys to work out what they should be. However, it seems your AP doesn't have a lot of free time and you are asking for a lot of what he does have.
Pisces
Edited 11/23/2008 8:37 pm ET by pisces2008
Wow.
In my view, yes, you are being *way* too demanding.
My MM calls or texts me every day, I don't see much wrong with that but you need to understand it can't always be a call. Things happen.
My MM tries to see me once a week but over the time I've known him he's risen very high in his company and as a consequence not only works very hard but often has to travel. He lives and works nearly an hour away. He does his best, but things happen.
My MM and I often have sex, sometimes before and after we go out, but at the same time there is so much more to our relationship than that and if we just curl up on the couch, talk and watch a DVD that's fine. Sometimes he just falls asleep. That's life.
Early morning visit? Well, we've done it a couple of times in the early days but as he lives a long way away and regularly spends 10 more hours in the office, I'd rather he was there at 8 so he wasn't getting home at midnight.
Weekends? I do sometimes see my MM at weekends - he has a HD and so during the summer he can just say he's going out for a ride. Harder during the winter although if he can find an excuse he will. But he also has a house to run and maintain, two children to be with and three cars to keep on the road. That's the reality.
Thing is, you're being too demanding for an "ordinary" relationship, let alone an A - if a guy laid all that on me I'd be gone. I'm single too so I know how hard it can be to have to adapt, but the thing is you *have* to adapt. He can't because he has other, currently inescapable, realities. If you become grumpy and unwelcoming, you risk him thinking that he is just jumping right out of the frying pan into the fire.
So please - take a deep breath. Accept that what you want, and what you can have are - for now - two different things.
D x
I agree that these minimums seem a bit demanding, just because it is an A. I am separated, so I have all the time flexibility, (well as much as a full time working mom with two teens, a dog and a cat can manage).
My MM lives an hour away, and due to the area we live in, if traffic is bad, sometimes it has taken me as much as two hours to get home from our meeting place which is half way in between.
Throw in the fact he has his own company, a W and family, civic organizations he belongs too, sports in the summer...well, it's a wonder that we ever have time!
We both know that we'd like more time with each other, we text and talk on the phone daily, but sometimes one or both of us are swamped with work and it's not until late in the day we get to talk. My AP has had some health scares too, and sometimes I get crazy with worry if I haven't heard from him all day.
It comes down to this, the two of you need to talk about, and agree upon your communication. We both know that if it's longer than 24 hours between contact, that something has happened. We know that we don't want to go longer than two weeks without seeing each other, but life happens and while we are disappointed, we are not pointing fingers at the other saying they didn't come through.
If he is trying to juggle all he has going, plus going through the emotions of leaving a M, then the last thing he wants or needs is someone else demanding his attention. Ease off, and for heaven's sake, don't make him feel that whatever he does isn't good enough. That was the very reason I left my M.
Hi Open,
I believe every A is different.
I agree with you 100%.
I am separated from my husband and he has a more or less live in girlfirend now.
WTH ?? !!
By no means are you being unreasonable.
My God, your going to send this poor guy running for the hills. He has so much on his plate right now that you need to be a source of support for him, not just another female in his life making demands that he can not possibly meet.
One thing that I have learned about men is that it is very important to them that they are efficient. They need to know that all the attempts that they makes, even the failures, are appreciated. When they feel as though they have not measured up, or have been unable to make you happy, or you don't appreciate their efforts, they soon stop attempting to win your approval.
This A should be a source of escape for him from the everyday humdrum that we all have to deal w/. It should be a source of comfort, and support for him. A safe place for him to retreat to, and relax, but your running this thing like a bootcamp. Maybe if you make less demands, and make his visits more pleasant than complaints about what he missed on your LIST then perhaps he would be more inclined to visit often. I know if someone put a list of demands on me like that I would tell them to piss off.
You also need to remember that you are S, and he is M. I am in the same boat as you, so I understand that a lot of your time is spent waiting for him to have time for you, and it gets frustrating, but this is the life you have chosen for yourself. You can't expect a MM to act like a S man. He just doesn't have the time that a S man would.
I hope that what I said didn't offend you for that was certainly not my purpose. I just have strong opinions, and I would be me if I didn't express them.
Wow...seems like your stbx is torn between you, the OW