Are we happy in the A?
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Are we happy in the A?
| Wed, 06-23-2010 - 7:21pm |
Hi all
After reading so many posts the last day- it just struck me. Not many of us are really happy!
We feel confused, hurt, angry, unempowered, ignored, used, and sad.
I am one of the many people who seem to have 30% fantastic with 70% confusion/sadness/stress with my affair.
So why do it? Is it just that we are all addicts to the endorphins we get?
IGS
You are what you consistently do

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Hi. I am just like you: more unhappy than happy in my A. I am constantly stressed, confused, lost, hurt... And still I am not able to end it. I guess I am an addict to the endorphins I
When I am with him
I'm one of the few who are happy, content, whatever you want to call it. And that fact is why I used to often lurk here but not post, sometimes for months, because I wasn't in the same stage or situation as most here. Does that mean most people are unhappy in their A's? I don't think so. I think that people looking for a place to vent about their situation tend to be either new to it or unhappy and are looking for opinions to help them out. So this place (and most support boards) will generally draw the ones who are either new to the situation or unhappy.
There used to be more "happy" APs here for awhile. Maybe that will be the case again, as some of the "newbies" to the situation settle into a comfortable or happy place. But when people get more content, they tend to fade off here, I guess because they don't need "support".
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
Proud to be a
You've
I don't think AP makes me unhappy, I think I make myself unhappy.
anotherseyes
I'm happy :) It has taken a bit of work and a TON of patience! We've had some good discussions about expectations, where we are individually, and how to manage our relationship. There are a few minor frustrations...mostly along the lines of not being able to see each other NEARLY as much as we'd like, but what he adds to my life far outweighs that.
Lexi, you brought up a very good point that I needed to hear re: people mostly come here b/c they need to vent or need support...sometimes I think "what the heck is wrong with me that I'm able to manage this double life w/o much angst and issues?" LOL!
Hi all
Yes that was a good point Lexi- people do come here for support- hence the abundance of angst ridden messages.
I thought we were in
In general I am very happy in my A.
So this is an interesting topic and I am going to chime in because I have actually been wondering why any of us put up with this to begin with. Now I can see that some of you have come to a place where you feel attached to your AP and in return he gives you what you need. Mine did not do that. So my view of A's is quite different.
But I think it comes down to 1. What type of person you are (personality wise) 2. Who your AP is.
Some women have sensitive AP's who allow them to have feelings and there are discussions and understanding. So I can see how the situation can definately be prolonged in that scenerio. Even though I felt horrible for being involved with him if he had loved me back the same I probably could have never let go even though my life was passing by me, I was spending every birhday and holiday alone. So in a sense I am glad I am getting myself free of this.
But in reality there is a very small percent of people who actually make A's into their real life and even fewer who last. So I guess being the practical person I am, I ask what is the point? Why not invest in something you can keep??
To me it seems like A's are horribly destructive not only to ourselves but to the families involved. (I am not trying to preach here please understand, I am just working out my own issues...wrapping my head around all this)
It doesn't seem natural to build such love and trust with someone you are only continually longing for. It seems like punishment to both people, even IF they do treat each other well. And in fact it feels a lot like avoiding the real life we have.
Your thoughts?
Great points, wisingup, and I agree :)
I've spent the last several months doing some MAJOR soul searching. Was miserable w/o AP in my life and have learned I absolutely could integrate him into my life in a workable way...it took some doing and some mighty uncomfortable feelings and conversations for us to get to where we are: at this time in our lives being w/o each other is FAR worse than managing the A. So, we're just taking things in the moment and agreeing that if/when it ends it will HURT LIKE HE**...but "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened."
Through the journey that is my life...I'm so GRATEFUL AP and I crossed paths :) For a host of reasons, I've not had many people I've allowed this close to my heart...IDK, it sounds SAPPY (LOL!) but his friendship is just such a gift to me. Now I'm gonna cry...
I know that I'm one of the ones who seems extremely unhappy in my A, only because I want so much more than an A. I want a real relationship, heck...I want to marry the guy and be with him for the rest of my life. I still find it near incomprehensible that I feel this much for him, when I couldn't about my ex-h...my x-h being a much nicer person overall. Not that AP isn't nice, because he is...but he can also be a huge jerk as well.
The thing with me is that I just don't know who I am...as just me. Does that makes sense? To recap...I was raped when I was 13-14 years old...spent the next five years in a drugged stupor, I think trying to kill myself without actually coming out and doing it. Ended up overdosing when I was eighteen, then spent the next two years indoors. Never went out, didn't spend time with anybody other than my family and one other friend...and then I met my H. He was six years older than me and was a real gentleman, something I'd never experienced with a man before. Within a week I was hooked, and I knew I wanted to marry him. We got married seven months later and had our first child two years after that. So basically my whole persona was that of wife and mother...and so I just never learned who I was on my own.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say, I rarely do, lol! AP/BF and I have had a fantastic week together...I'm trying to accept it for what it is. I know that he has very deep feelings for me, I even believe that he does love me. Having said that he's got his own life and his own problems, I still don't know why he stayed in a marriage with a woman who said she made a mistake marrying him and doesn't love him....but that his deal and he can have it. As an A partner, I feel that it's my job to give him what he does not get from her...and that's love. He knows that I love him, and I know that it makes him feel very happy and quite lucky. It's when I start acting like a nagging wife that he backs away and becomes rather nasty...so I can only imagine what he's like with her, and they can have it. I'll take the best part of him, thank you very much.
I'm trying very hard to remember that "it is what it is" and go with it for now. It's not him that makes me unhappy, it's the situation. But if I want to keep him, I have to accept things the way they are...and so I will. If we are not warring with each other, we have a really fabulous time together. He's very funny and loving and a wonderful snuggler...and I'm the lucky recipient of all that. I like it very much.
That's not to say that I won't have ups and downs...and that's when I come here, for the support I can get nowhere else.
Oh yeah....one of the most important bits. My x-h is moving back to town! He sent me wonderful email last week, told me he forgave me and basically laid the blame for what happened squarely at his own feet, which, while I appreciate it...is so far from the truth! We were equally responsible...with me edging him out by a slight margin. Told AP last night, couldn't really gauge his response that well but we will just have to deal with it when it happens.
benska
P.S. When he accepted my invitation to come over last night, and possibly spend the night...he told me that he probably couldn't but then did end up staying. We did not have IC..just spent the time talking and laughing and SNUGGLING (my fave). He just left and I'm starting to feel as lonely as I always do. So I'm just going to have a nap, watch some tv and catch up on ANTM...and hang in there for dear life! And NO BOOZE, Yay!!
Edited 6/24/2010 2:22 pm ET by benska2003
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