Are we happy in the A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Are we happy in the A?
17
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 7:21pm

Hi all


After reading so many posts the last day- it just struck me. Not many of us are really happy!


We feel confused, hurt, angry, unempowered, ignored, used, and sad.


I am one of the many people who seem to have 30% fantastic with 70% confusion/sadness/stress with my affair.


So why do it? Is it just that we are all addicts to the endorphins we get?


IGS

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do

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Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 12:06am

Hi findfreedom,


I am new here and posted an incredibly long intro to my A on the "do you use protection" post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 6:23am

I always press reply before I remember to note the name of the person who said something that struck a note :)


The post about why we do this to ourselves was exactly what was behind my posting this thread in the first place.


I agree! I am causing myself pain, confusion, stress, hurt and obsession over someone I am 99.9% sure I will never be with. I dont know why I cant seem to:


a) accept we'll never be together but just lighten up and live in the moment- basically accept it for what it is- a casual and sexual friendship; or


b) realise that loving him causes more pain than happiness so just walk away.


I am floundering between these and ending up in unhappy no-man's land. I dont know what the answer is. But Im doing some soul searching and working on my marriage until the answer becomes clear to me :)


You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2010
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 11:05am
I feel exactly where your at IGS....but we know that we would probably never have enough strength to let go. Part of the issue also (which I think is also your situation) is that they are pulling away when it seems as if they hadn't before. As well as you...I'm having a very difficult time lightening up and just accept things as they are...and I only make it worse when I can't keep my emotions and "mouth" in check and talk to him about how I'm feeling. Don't get me wrong, we have both said we want to be honest and open with each other..but we know where that can take things sometimes. So I guess we have to live in the misery of always wanting more from our AP ...he already knows that I want more than he can give me right now. He says that he knows that hurts me and he doesn't want our relationship to be painful for me. Based on that we almost ended the A...so if he knows how unhappy I can be about it sometimes Im afraid he will will end it because he doesn't want to hurt me. And honestly, I think I would feel much better having the "upper hand" and end it myself..It would most likely cause less affliction on my self esteem and ability to move on. Actually today we are getting together to talk about an arguement we had via chat yesterday about the perception I was getting from his brief impersonal emails...Mistake on my part! We had never had an arguement like that before and he was quite brisk with me. I will write more later...thank you all so much :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2010
Fri, 06-25-2010 - 1:55pm
Just like you I want more. I want more then just a lover and someone to
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sat, 06-26-2010 - 4:42pm

I read this post when it first started, and I have been contemplating it ever since.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 7:35am

After much soul searching I am feeling much better now. I am going to do as suggested- accept the moment, lower my expectations and lighten the F### up!


I dont want him as a life partner- he'd drive me nuts. I also dont want to be the one who ends it- Id always be wondering if I made the right decision.


Im trying to Let Go and Let God :)

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2010
Sun, 06-27-2010 - 2:00pm
I am happy in my A ,so far.But my A is just 6 months old and probably in the honeymoon stage :)

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