Are we just our APs marital aids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Are we just our APs marital aids?
6
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 10:39pm

I was listening to radio show this evening on the train home from work. There was a segment of the program about maintaining the passion in your relationship (ha...A's were not listed). At some point the topic of "marital aids" was raised...you know, the use of pleasure enhancers.

Now, bear with me a little. As I listened to this, I thought about the role an A plays in one's enjoyment or tolerance of their M; whether our own or our AP's. As I have said in other posts, I have often felt that I have been able to better cope and manage my M when my A has been active and fulfilling (perhaps not now, but certainly in the past). I also believe that our A has allowed my AP to find peace and stability in her M; to the point where she seems content to stay put for now, even if it is less than a full M and seems to largely be a co-parenting situation. I have to believe that others can relate to this.

So, call me crazy, but in some way our A has "aided" our M's. Of course, not in the same sense that the radio hosts were discussing, but perhaps some will feel that is true too. I can certainly imagine that having an A might make someone a better sex partner for the H or W ( not for me, but I suppose it is possible ).

So, I put it to you,

Do you ever feel that the A has been an aid to your, or your AP's, marriage?
Is it possible is the extent of what someone of us amount to in our AP's eyes?

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 1:53am

my AP has certainly been a marriage supplement, an aide, and therapy --of sorts.


i think, for men, the extracurricular activities can aide in the fantasy portion of the marriage.


for me, as a woman, having the intimacy/physical satisfaction from another keeps me chugging along in my daily responsibilities.


so yes, indeed the AP can be an aid, and

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 7:00am

Absolutely.

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 7:23am

Yes I also agree that an A could be used as a M aide. When you have had a crappy day with your DS, the first thought would be to call on your OW/OM and feel better knowing you have that outlet to turn to.

My AP seems to call on me more often when hes stressed at work or home and I listen empathetically. He knows he has a shoulder and i dont judge or make accusations. His W usually throws up what she has to face in her daily routine so he doesnt get heard. I do feel like I am enabling him to tolerate more of the same old same old. One day he may need more but i doubt it while the status quo remains stable. He has the best of both worlds without any of the inconvinience of D (well without any IC anyway).

SB.

Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera Sera - Whatever will be, will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 5:10pm

Could be; since we haven't had a "physical" affair yet, and haven't even seen each other in person yet, I don't really know.


But I want to play devil's adovocate: couldn't it also make our marriages worse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 11:24am

I agree with you,niffer71.

My AP says the same- the A hasnt made it better,rather worse.If it was just sex,I could say that he was lying but we have emotions and feelings all over and that makes it difficult for him.My AP cant connect to her even though she is trying ( she never tried earlier,hence the A!) now but my AP says that its too late as he doesnt feel anything for her and is just going through the motions of everyday life.
He gets very restless and cranky if we havent talked in a while.I guess if I was M and had an A with a S/MM ,I too would be in pain to be with my S/MM rather than with H.I guess its more difficult for women once emotions are involved.Not all women can compartmantalize their feelings.Its an inner struggle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 12:08pm

I completely agree that we are our AP´s marital aids. But I don´t agree on the "just". I know that both AP and I are overall happier in our "official R´s" after we started our A. We provide each other with something we cannot get from our partners. The A is pure therapy :) For us it´s friendship, common interests, warmth, intimacy and of course, as a part of that, sex. His W is severely ill and cannot touch or be touched. My SO (not married) has not been able (or willing)to be intimate for years. We are best friends though. AP cannot and will not leave his W as she is helpless without him and he feels it´s his duty to take care of her. As I said... I enjoy a good friendship with my SO and see no reason to leave him as we have a perfect living arrangement sharing a house we own together. AP and I enable each other to stay in our present R´s and even we are planning for things to do in the future (mainly travel) we don´t plan a life together. If I didn´t have my SO I would prefer to live alone and not with AP anyway. I know that may sound strange, but that´s how it is :)

Edwina
Edwina