Aren't we all human first?
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| Sat, 05-01-2004 - 8:27pm |
We talk about how women and men think differently; how we gals show emotions and men in general do not. Ok, my question- Aren't we all human beings first and foremost? Whether female or male, aren't we all 'tuned' into the same things? Rejection, hurt, sorrow, pain, happiness, joy, love, peace, etc.? Why does having/or lack there of, a third 'leg' matter when it comes to communication among the sexes? I would love to have my MM tell me how he feels whether it makes me happy or hurts me. I can survive. But everyone says men are either too scared to express their feelings or don't care. Well I can be the same as I'm sure most women can. Can't we just break through all the stereotypes and communicate. How did the sexes get to be so different? I'm rambling now...
I don't think I'm naive, but maybe so...???
V.

As far as your OM goes, he might be in it for purely sexual saftisfaction. If you want more from him it might take a lot more long time than you think. Just enjoy the R as much as you can and don't worry about the emotions. If it is very important to you - find somebody else who will share emotions easily as much as his bed with you.
We are human beings, yes. We will, in general (and assuming our mental parts are all properly working) experience similar emotions over the course of a lifetime.
As for your 'third leg' question and it's bearing on communication... let's make some initial observations of differences.
It is impossible for me as a man to communicate effectively about childbirth, the validity of PMS, or the experience of having a monthly period. I simply am not going to be able to stay in those discussions in any meaningful way. The physiology of women is influenced strongly by chemistry and hormones, very real processes that men don't have to deal with. Beyond any environmental/cultural differences between men and women, the single biggest difference is how much chemistry governs the sexes.
Culturally, I can only comment on white middle America, because that's my experience. And here in conservative white bread land we are expected to be gentlemen, but we are not expected to share our feelings and emotions. We are still taught to treat women with kindness and reverence, not necessarily as equals, but as the very important other half of the union. But we are also taught that men are the stronger sex: the defenders and champions.
That works both ways, at least in this part of the country. Women generally grow up thinking that boys who cry and express themselves are wimps, boys who read poetry and like to decorate or cook are probably not suitable mates, and those boys are normally picked on by both sexes. Then, as we get older, suddenly women seem to want a more sensitive man, someone who shares and communicates. Problem is, when you spend years being punished for that it is very hard to believe and overcome. Plus, ignorant jocks and rude roughians seem to still be getting the girls.
Be honest girls: whom did you want when you were 15? What about 18 or 21? Did it change at 25? Those of you who are or approach 30, what's your choice now? Let's remember that as men we are programmed to try to appeal to women in our search for a mate, but the rules tend to keep changing as we figure them out.
The sexes didn't "get to be different." They simply are. Culture has taken very simple chemical attractions between people and added more rules and guidelines for who thou shalt couple with. And that sexual revolution, I'm sorry to suggest, has made it even more confusing. Check out this month's Psychology Today for a very interesting article on Soul Mates and the state of romance in America.
BTW, if I sound bitter... yeah, a little. I spent most of my younger years being given grief for being the quiet, poetic, cooking, expressive kid. I couldn't get a date with girls in my high school because I wasn't enough of an ass, but I sure could be everyone's friend. "Why don't boys talk?" and similar crap. Then all of a sudden towards the middle part of college as I started dating girls looking for mates/husbands... I was a great catch because of all of the things I used to get handed my hat for. Anyway. Now I'm the one rambling...
The point is that it's a big mess, it's getting worse, and I doubt it will get better for a very, very long time.
rain
But since I've known your MM's doppelganger longer, I just want to say, if he makes you feel good, you have to learn to get used to his lack of expressiveness, and learn to interpret the very subtle positive signs (read my "boys are weird" post).
I know you and MM are not really intimate yet. (I doubt that will happen unless YOU make a first move, incidentally...) But I don't think that even if that happened you could expect things to change. My gut feeling about him as you describe him is that he really does have feelings for you, but he is never going to be the type to make declarations of love. Can you live with that? Do you have high enough self-esteem to feel secure in what goes unsaid? Only you can decide that for yourself...because you can't change him. But you like him the way he is, don't you? :)
I think you're right. I need to accept that MM will never show his emotions towards me and that I need to hold my head high and accept this. Eventually and unfortunately, this will fizzle out. That makes me sad, but I'm a realist with this. I have to admit it gives me hope when I get threads from folks here that say tell me he has feelings for me. Of course it fuels my fire and sustains me. True, I want this to come from him, but again- I know this will not happen verbally and maybe never sexually. Hopefully his actions ( versus any lack thereof) will show me even the tiniest piece of his heart? I saw him sat and sun and but did not talk with him either day. Just nodded and waived on Sat; and yesterday well, his W and kids were at the game. My heart dropped. I felt like reality kicked me in the teeth and said "see, he does have a W". There was no way I could even make or want eye contact with him and made it a point to not be where he was; and he did not make any effort towards me. He and W didn't even sit together at the game. (And I was shocked she showed up as she never does; that's why it hurt. I am so used to her not being there so I never see them 'together'. When I did, it was the reality slap). Anyhow, I should stop trying to find out the dynamics of their M. They are probably happy and fine. We have never shared stuff like that.
I have my surgery this week.... I wonder if he remembers... will he email or call to touch base? He has never asked me about my health since I told him about it. So, I gues me wondering and wanting him to acknowledge it now is a pipe dream. And that my friend, is the lack of action that tells me he is done with whatever this thing is we have.
I loved your email... the first sentence cracked me up! Thanks- I needed that !!!!
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v.
Um. Yes, I promise to keep learning about women and thank you, I realize I have a long way to go. But you simply must promise to learn more about sentence structure, having a point then expressing it, and how best to be enigmatic while still making a shred of sense.
And BTW: hanging smiley faces on the end of vaguely insulting posts doesn't excuse your generally condescending attitude, especially when your post lacks a single specific or meaningful refuting point of anything I said. I'm not opposed to being proven wrong or being enlighted by someone else's viewpoint, but this didn't do much beyond rub my fur the wrong way.
rain