Awhirl
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| Fri, 02-06-2004 - 3:45pm |
I just got back from lunch with a nice man...single, funny, intelligent, and totally inappropriate and too young for me. LOL. He wants to see me again, and I might, but he's a time filler, not my heart.
::sigh:: MM has my heart so wrapped up that I find it hard to concentrate. I've never been on a roller coaster ride like this! I don't know where we will be a year from now, but it sure would be simpler if I could figure out how to get my heart back.
I'm not ready to quit seeing him. I can't imagine not having him in my life. And frankly, I'm too selfish to let him go. It would be like performing a self-appendectomy. It would hurt like hell and I'm not sure the patient would survive.
At the same time, I read all the posts and think of the last holiday season and I refuse, absolutely refuse, to go through another holiday season like last year. And I am not sitting around sulking, crying or fussing with him. I'm not being unrealistic. We do love each other. But I won't force his decision. I'll just make my own. Somehow.
How do you handle being so lost to another person?
Cazrida

If you know the answer to that please let me know.
Oh wow.....please let me in on the secret if YOU figure it out. LOL
Dear Julietsfate and Maxipat,
If I figure it out, I'll write a book and make enough to retire on! LOL
I was completely focused on school, my family, my kids, and my job for ten years. I was happy. I just wasn't even looking. In fact, I said that anyone who would take on me and my responsibilities was crazy and I sure didn't need that!
And I met my Querido.
My life has changed so much in the last year that I'm still stunned. I meant to play with him and he ensnared me. I would have been fine, just playing, until he grabbed my heart. I'm not playing now, and that frightens me. And thrills me. And, and, and...
Sh*t.
One of two things will happen this year. He will fully commit to me and we will build a life together, or he will decide to stay with the woman with whom he has spent the last twenty five years. I wouldn't blame him for that decision. They've built a lot together, and starting anew is hard. Truthfully, I wouldn't want someone who could toss that away lightly.
But I won't stay like this. I deserve to have someone who will love me and hold me, and whose arms will protect me through the nights and the hard times as well.
I guess in the meantime, I'll let him know he is loved and desired. I'll make memories. I'll cherish moments. And I won't sit at home alone and cry. Life's too short and I have too much to do.
But Lord, I love him!
Cazrida