Awkward......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Awkward......
18
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 10:19pm

Venting......

So after Thursday's conversation about things being "awkward" I've tried to keep my distance from AP.  On Friday my daughter was playing in his driveway with some other kids and bumped her head.  I went and picked her up and he came out.  We talked for a minute about what happened and than I said "is this awkward for you."  Yes there was a little sarcasm thrown in there but I'm trying to think of him.  He is obviously having problems dealing with this where I do not have guilt or feel awkward.  I don't want to put him in any further distress so I'm trying to back away.  He got all pissed off, told me he wasn't in the mood to deal with this s*&^ and if it's going to be like that he would end this s*&t right now.  I told him to calm down I wasn't being funny I was being serious. 

So later on he had to make a comment to me talk to me for a few mins.  Nothing about us just in general.  I commented as much as was needed.  Later on he came back out and talked to me again-once again when there was no need to.  I swear he's bipolar.

I came home from a long day at a sporting event, hot tired and ready to chill.  Obviously the BFF's and the AP and his W went to some church function and left the two kids at home (15 & 10).  Naturally they ended up at my house, eating with us and playing with my kids.  It is now 5 hours later and we are still "sitting" them.  I so freaking bad want to text him and ask if this is freaking awkward. 

I think this all has about pushed me to my limit.  I'm ready to call it off, cry some tears, mend my broken heart and go on about my life.  I understand his feelings, but does he even freaking understand mine!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:19am

Maybe coming back to talk to you was his way of apologizing for snapping at you & acknowledging your feelings.  I don't mean to offend anyone here, but the majority of men aren't good at handling this stuff & get freaked out easily.  I've done my fair share of article reading on the subject of distancing, and in summary they all say if a man feels he can't make you happy he's going to create distance pretty quick.  I'm sure he knows you're hurting, and coming off sarcastic or angry is going to push him further away.  I'm not excusing that he's being selfish and not acknowledging your feelings.  I think the best way to make it clear that your feelings are important is to stop contacting him and put yourself first.  (I SO wish we didn't have such a hard time doing this.)  Show him you don't need him being a jerk through action rather than words.  Then when he does come around, you won't be needing him to so much.  (lol, I think I just answered my own post!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:58am
Yes its all very awkward and I'm not upset at him for feeling awkward, I'm upset about the mix signals. He's told me he feels awkward if him, W and I are together and if H, him and I are together. I so get that, but it's not like that would've been the first time. Why bring it up now? Because I was inserting myself into their family thing? I mean hell he asked me a couple weeks ago if we were goin to his sons game, he even said they wanted to go to our sons game?! I guess I'm not sure what is considered awkward and what isnt. Obviously coming over here and borrowing stuff from me like he did today isn't, obviously his kids hanging out at my house isn't. I think he knows I'm pissed/hurt because I haven't said much to him when he's come around. Heck I don't know what to say.
This has been going on for 13 months, we've always had a point where we had to slow down. Since May everything had been going great, we "met up" at lest once a week more often twice. We always made sure we were in each others sights at home. Then he tells me it means so much more but he's losing control and needs to slow down. That week we were together twice. Then now for the past three weeks things have been progressively getting worse. He doesn't want to plan any more meet ups, let it just happen. To me that sounds like he's blowing me off. I'm really hurt and frustrated. I want to sit down and ask him all this stuff but I know men don want to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 5:55pm

I heard the "losing control" thing a lot.  It wasn't really until the last couple years that the yo-yo cycle of him pulling away & comments like that stopped.  I wish I could shed some light on why that changed... I think it was a combination of things.  And up until a couple months ago, things were going very well for us.  When he ended it, I thought "oh no, are we going back to the yo-yo again?"  I wish that's all it was.

I'm so sorry you're angry and hurting.  I'm curious what he borrowed.  That kind of pissed me off.  I understand you're lives are intertwined, but he should respect that you may not want him just casually dropping by right now.  I really don't get what "let it just happen" means - ??

You can tell my mood has changed since my last post, dealing with emotions over my XAP - now I'm mad at your guy, too!  :smileysurprised:

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 8:38pm

Create-it used to be that we would just meet up when we could.  He'd get home, I'd be home and we have time to meet up before anyone else got home.  Now it's been calling and telling each other when we are getting off early, trying to arrange so that kids aren't  there, even arranging things to meet at night (things that could get us both thrown in jail).  If I understood him right he's saying that he is making plans, getting brave enough to leave his house late at night to meet up, brave enough to text me when he does knowing my husband might be up and see it, texting a lot, calling a lot,  getting brave enough to pull me over to his house while his daughter is in the shower knowing damn well she is going to come knocking on his door.  To me, and maybe it's me romanticizing it, he is saying that he has to have some time to regroup himself because well yeah he's losing control of his emotions and his ability to think. 

We do the yo-yo thing too, it's hard but I'm trying this time to back away and not get so tangled back up in him if he comes back. 

He had to borrow a hat for his daughter becuse it was dress up day at church.  He had to borrow mustard the other night.  Honestly, we switch back and forth all the time in borroing things from each other.  Once again tonight the kids have been at my house more times than I can count.  I ended up having to borrow a weedeater from him because ours broke and I wanted to get the job done.  I made his son go get it for me but when he heard the noise stopped AP had to come out to the front of his garage and pretend to be doing something so that he had to take the weedeater from me.  I told him I appreciated it but the look he gave me, it wasn't bad but it was smoldering, kinda hard to describe.

I just have a feeling I'm going to get very hurt tomorrow because my birthday is tomorrow and I want AP to text me and tell me Happy Birthday but I don't think he will.  :-(

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:52pm
I give you a ton of credit for how you're coping despite the hurt you're feeling! I know I couldn't have handled being around xAP & his SO all the time. When you guys have done the yo-yo thing, does he usually stay away this long?

Happy Birthday early! Mine was 3 wks ago tomorrow, and the day I got "dumped". :smileysad: Do you have anthing planned with H or friends?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 7:21am

Don't get me wrong he still talks to me just not like it was.  I think the longest we've gone is about a month.  So right now it's only been less than a week.

No I don't have anything planned because it never seems to work out when I do so I don't bother.  I want today to be happy but I'm just not sure that's going to happen.

 

Create-how are you coping with it all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 8:57pm
EXACTLY Pleases!! I think I figured that out today because as I had thought I didn't get any wishes from him at all, I even intiated a text hoping that it would make him say it but it didn't. I finally had enough and texted him if he would call me and he said he couldn't, he was busy. I told him okay. Then he texted me Happy Birthday sorry it's so late but I've been busy. I have always been honest with him and nothing has or will change, so I told him thanks but it hurt when he didn't wish it to me earlier. OH BOY did I open up pandora's box! I was told I had to stop thinking that way, that me getting upset like that was going to get us in trouble. He said we needed to slow down and I wasn't.

I wanted to ask him if he realized his actions and his words were confusing me and causing me to feel and think that way. I'm sorry that I'm not made of freaking steel to just take this and go.

I've been the one out of this A who has held her feelings in and not let them get me stir crazy on the outside and cause me to do stupid things like he has. I can not be held at fault that he can't keep his hormones or his emotions in check.

As much as I want to continue this, I know it's just not right. I don't think I can end it cold turkey but I'm sure not going to put so much effort and all into us anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 12:17am

I think it sounds like he is holding his emotions in check pretty well.  I also that that as you said, it is easy to romanticize it when they say they need to pull back to get control of themselves.  My XAP did the same thing...getting way too brave, and I always assumed it mean his feelings for me were strong and he was having a hard time controlling them.  But he explained later that it was the thrill that was getting to be too much, the excitement, the adrenaline rush.  It was so easy to get that high.  So be very careful about what you assume.  VERY careful.  You might not realize it but overromanticising or making assumptions that suit what you want the situation to be can be extremely harmful to you.  One day you wake up and realize that the R you thought you were having was 75% in your head, and the reality of what really was is very jolting and painful.  That's not to say it will definitely be that way for you, but your AP is saying the same things and doing the same things most APs do at this point, so my guess is that you are in the same boat most of us were in.  Just assume he is absolutely fine because he probably IS.  I know that isn't what your ego wants you to believe, but it is what your heart and your head need to start thinking if you are going to get off this roller coaster and gain some control over your emotions again.

I'm sorry he was a jerk on your bday, but hopefully that was proof that he does not feel the same way you do, and that you need to start protecting yourself by downplaying the whole as men so often do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 6:35am

As much as I don't want to look at it that way I know your right JJ.  I also know the best thing for me to do is back away, which I have been trying to do.  I'm not talking to him as much etc.  However, everytime I turn around (like yesterday) he has inserted himself into my life somehow (needing to borrow something, getting in my conversation with another neighbor when he is on the other side of the yard).  I just want to yell at him to stay the hell away from me.  You want us to slow down, than you have to too!!!

Thanks everyone!  Hopefully the days will get better as they come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 09-11-2012 - 2:05pm
I know it would be hard given the situation, but I'd tell him straight out that you need some space. I'm really at a loss that he doesn't get that. I don't know if you're able to do that or if he'd respect it, but for a few days I think it'd be best for you if he couldn't keep tabs on you so easily. Having to deal with all the family stuff is one thing, but popping up every time you're around is making this more confusing for you than it has to be. Like you mentioned before, he seems to have his own rules about what's awkward & what's not. What are yours?

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