Baby steps...
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| Tue, 09-01-2009 - 11:00pm |
Hi everyone,
Well, as much as I hate being a whiner...this appears to be the only place that I can let this stuff out so that's what I've got to do. I have to keep talking, otherwise I'm going to turn to stone and just fade away.
As far as AP/BF goes, I have not heard from him since my drunk text. I've tried very hard to just leave him be but I've failed. The last text I sent was this morning and all I said was that I will try and leave him be. I'm fighting very hard not to text again, and it is...VERY HARD.
The baby steps that I took was that I did not drink any alcohol today, as much as I wanted to just get completely blotto and pass out for as long as I could...the people at the Mental Health clinic finally called me back today...hey, it only took a week for them to do that, and hey...it's only going to be another two before I could actually get an appointment. I hope that I can hang on that long.
I've spent pretty much the entire day crying...my heart is shattered and it's nobody's fault but my own.

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Hi Benska,
Well i just wanted to say hi and that i undestand and hear how you are feeling. I really think that you have done more than enough to demonstrate your feelings for this guy. He knows you love him. What you said in your drunk text really, i mean really, does not matter in the big scheme of things. It really doesn't. A real love can withstand a lot more damage than that sweetie. Don't feel bad. We always seem to feel bad when we make one small wrong move. We beat ourselves up. But in the end it really doesn't change a thing. If he loves you this won't change anything for him. Just give it time.
Not a great day for me either. Trying to break free of the A by being rude, etc. but i feel terrible inside. i feel really terrible. I have a lot of "balls" when i'm at work during the day and i interact with him, i can say and do anything and appear as tho i don't give a crap about anything. But i cry every single night. I feel hopeless and helpless cuz of the situation i put myself in. Being M and xAP is married too, it really doesn't help, and i miss him so much. At least you can live with yourself and know that you are single and you truly want this man and that's why you are suffering. Me, i can't tell myself that. Seems there is no way out of this hell hole i am in.
Hang in there and know that there are many happy days ahead.
Sunshine
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Hi Benska,
I'm so sorry you are hurting, but also very proud of you for not drinking today. You have taken a big step and I'm glad about that. Like the other poster said, it's not a big deal about the text. But I know how you feel. Sometimes I have said things to AP
i have no concept of being a mp - married person - in an a, as i am s
however, whatever the circumstances, the best way to start
finding a way out is to make a decision and choose a direction to
go in. you can sink where you are or swim towards a goal.
make a decision, and right, wrong or indifferent it will be your
choice. if it proves to be a bad choice, well, we all learn
something new everyday and all you can do is keep on going.
if you need to change direction a bit due east, then do it, but you
will eventually find yourself in a place you have chosen to be.
if you are m in an a, there is no way around either giving up the
m or the a to keep your sanity about it all. i suppose if both
partners are happy with it being like it is, then no harm, no
foal..but i am sure most folks have regrets of some sort for
the situation. making a choice and sticking to it is the only way
to move forward. i read on here all the time that men don't like
ultimatums, etc. sooooooooooo..............if you want to live
and breath
Hi waiting,
Thank you for your kind words, it really did help me to calm down somewhat...although I can't seem to stop crying. He really knows how to make me nuts, I wonder if he's doing it on purpose?
I have a lot of admiration for you, I really do. When all this stuff started happening with me, as hard as I tried...I just couldn't concentrate worth a darn. Literally could not keep on string of thought in my head. Yeah, part of it was definitely the alcohol abuse, but most of it was thoughts of AP. It got bad enough that I lost my job...so please be proud of yourself for keeping your head, and your job!
Do you think your H notices your distress, and wonders about it? When I had my DDay, that is the first thing my stbx said to me...he knew something was up because he could hear me crying in the living room everynight. You're half right about me being able to live with myself...in a sense. I could have had the affair behind his back, but I'd already done that and it didn't work. We worked through it that time, but this time...my heart was truly involved and we both knew that I was in love with him. Can I live with myself for letting him go so he could find someone who loves him the way he deserves..yes. Can I live with myself for doing it to him? Not so much. I have to live with it every single day and I despise myself for it.
Thank you for your kind words...I know the hell you're going through, I really do. Maybe some counseling would help you to work through your feelings for this OM and exorcise him, once and for all?
benska
Hi caribu,
Thank you for your reply. As I think I've already mentioned, I feel that we have a lot in common so I appreciate your interest in my problems very much.
I hear what you're saying about the text, my girlfriend has just reminded me that we've done this dance many times. Intellectually I know that, emotionally I feel like I've ruined everything, especially after the amazing trip we just took. I met his favorite brother for goodness sakes! I thought it was so significant and I was so happy.
If you can give me any tips at all on how not to beat myself up...please share! I can't stand it sometimes..and really, I did not say anything wrong. He knows that I feel insecure, and he just rubbed it in my face that some chick was grinding on him. I don't know what he thinks he was doing but I would never do that to him.
As far as the drinking, thank you very much. It's VERY hard....I sit here forcing myself not to go out and pick up a bottle, but wanting to with every fibre of my being...just so that I can FORGET.
In my head, I know what you're saying is probably true...in my heart I'm not so sure. Everytime I think I've said or done something that will make him leave me, it turns out not to be the case, but this time...I'm not so sure.
Thank you for the kind words, I'm trying hard to believe them...
benska
Survivor,
Everything you say is true. I am a S woman involved with a MM and it's not ideal. But, I really love him and I do believe he loves me. Unfortunately, I don't have the emotional skills to not let this tie me up in knots...I have chosen my path. I should not complain.
I have told him exactly how I feel, no ultimatums...just how it is for me. I think that's one of the reasons he invited me on this trip, to somehow show me that he wants the same thing. I'm not an ultimatum kind of person...although if I eventually have truly had enough and am ready to let him go, I may just go down that road.
benska
Hi Benska,
I hope you are feeling better tonight..?
I have had counselling and it helps but only to an extent. Perhaps i will try again but not sure.
i guess the main thing for you to remember is that your AP/BF has had enough time to get to know you. He knows you and what you are all about. You have left your M for this person. He knows! So now the ball is in his court. You have a clear conscience when it comes to him -- you've taken the steps to be available for a future with him. He's the one who should feel bad, not you. Don't worry about the stupid text. I'm sure he's over it already.
A's are so draining, they are able to make you lose your mind. But, only if you let them. We are all responsible for how we feel and how we behave. Sure, other people make us happy or said. But in the end it is in our own hands. It's wrong to put our happiness in someone else's hands entirely. Once this hits home then we begin to take more responsibility for our lives and our comfort.
I am not sure if my H suspects anything or if he ever did. He's not very intuitive, and i've become an excellent liar. Sad but true. To me this is about doing the right thing and about living a good honest life.. That is what i want. The piece that does not fit with the puzzle is that xAP is a good man and I have a difficult time justifying causing him grief. But on the other hand, i know one thing is true for certain - there's no man on this planet who would willingly allow the woman he loves to go home to another man every day. Plain and simple.
Hugs to you and Hang in there,
Sunshine
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Hello,
I hope you are feeling better tonight. You asked about tips on not beating yourself up. I literally have to talk
>>>"He really knows how to make me nuts, I wonder if he's doing it on purpose?"<<<
I doubt his sitting there plotting a way of making you nuts. People have lives to live and parallel to what he feels for you, he still have other priorities. No matter how much you want, want, want, from him. Maybe it's not in his plate to give to you for now. So, being that this is an A and he's still a MM, either you accept things as they are and curb down unrealistic expectations, or get out and find someone (available) who's more apt to take on the roll of being a real BF.
You also need to find something in your life that will give you the satisfaction of a job well done feelings at the end of the day, instead of just sitting there drinking and/or obsessing over this man. Your happiness shouldn't revolve around him. That's too much responsibility and pressure for someone to take on.
Nothing is guaranteed in life, but you still need to be a happy whole person even if fate dealt you the "being alone forever by yourself" card.
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Amen!
That is the ultimate goal...one step forward, sometimes two steps back (or giant leaps) but, I keept trying.
benska
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