Baby Talk...
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| Thu, 10-09-2003 - 9:17am |
To recap my situation, I'm married with an OM...Marriage is fulfilling in everyway I could expect and hope for it to be. OM has been involved for almost 2 yrs now. He's an old crush that crossed my path and the temptation was irresistible for me. He is engaged and I just found out in September that his G/F is PG...it's been difficult for me to absorb all of that but I have done very well keeping it real. OM and I love one another very much but both of us realize our compatibility wouldnt be squat in a day to day life together. We entered this relationship knowing we'd always be only a part-time thing and we remain in line with that entire concept.
Here's the deal...shortly after I was married I got PG and miscarried at 10 weeks. My doctor suggested I wait a few months before trying again and within that few months H and I decided to put off having a baby for a bit. Soon it became putting it off indefinately as we developed plans to build a new house, pay off debt etc. In the meantime my A started. H and I have discussed the baby thing on many occassions over the past year or more and both of us feel we should wait and with that we developed a "3 yr plan" on the baby thing.
NOW, last night H asked me if I had given anymore thought into having a baby. When he said that my stomach turned and twisted into a knot and I felt overwhelmed. He said he has been thinking about it alot lately and he's decided he is ready and willing to make whatever sacrifices that are necessary to make this happen for us sooner. I told him Im just not ready but that I would give it some more serious thought.
Today I feel overwhelmed again - and the baby thing is all I can think about. Im trying to separate my A and my OM from my decision and for some reason it seems impossible. OM and I just talked this week about how I feel about his G/F being PG with his baby and how he will feel when I decide to start a family. OM stressed he was 97% sure he would be nothing but happy for me. I know I handle things and feel differently about things than my OM does. But on the same token, I know how hurt and confused I became when I found out she was having his baby.
Perhaps its not his feelings that concern me as much as my having to give up my cake - selfish as it may sound a baby is a huge sacrifice (despite the outnumbering blessings a baby is sure to bring) but will being a mother make me give up my favorite hobby, my OM?
Anyone been in my shoes? Anyone ?????
Liberal

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i'm not in your situation, but if you are at all indecisive about the baby situation, don't give in to your H yet. YOU have to be comfortable and committed to starting a family with someone -- it's a huge, big deal to have a child. A child deserves all your attention, love, caring, time, etc. And that child is yours forever.
Men will come and go in your life, but your child is always yours, even when they grow up. whatever your OM's current homelife situation, it really has nothing to do with you. he is having a child with someone else. that is beyond your control. it is just reality.
not every woman wants children. however, if you do want to have a child someday, you must decide when you are ready to start the process. and then discuss it with your H.
just my opinion,
gurl
It would be ideal if you could separate your A from the decision to have a baby, but that's not entirely realistic. How long do you expect your OM will be in your life? What kind of commitment have you made to each other? My OM and I have made a verbal commitment to try to stay together for the rest of our lives, so if he and his wife have more kids (I am done), I can live with the distance a new baby might temporarily put between us; I know that we've got our whole lives. So maybe that factor plays some role for you, maybe not.
What I can say is that you can expect that you will see less of your OM when *he* has his baby. That's just the way it is. Having a baby requires enormous sacrifice, and he will make the sacrifice if he intends to be a good BF and father. So you will find him less available once the baby arrives, regardless of what you do/want.
I must agree with Gurl that starting a family is a big, big deal. If you have the choice to not accidentally drop into it, you should take advantage of having that choice. Babies are babies for a very short time, but your family is forever. You should be at a stage in your life where you are willing to give things up (though you will never believe in advance just *what* you are giving up, just as you will never believe what you will receive in return). If, for example, never having to report your whereabouts is important to you, you'd need to evaluate that; if having beauty treatments that last half a day is important, you need to think about how ready you are to sacrifice beauty for kids; and so on, whatever is important.
I don't know how other people make that choice; DH and I always wanted to have kids and would have adopted if we couldn't have children of our own. But it was never a question of wanting *babies* but of wanting a family - which we got, in spades. ;)
BTW, one of OM's kids and one of mine are the same age and sex, and we quite enjoy having them get together and talking about the different stages. Having kids the same age is one of the things that bonds us together.
I agree that sacrifices will be made no matter when I decide to move forward into motherhood. I also realize that those sacrifices will never outweigh the blessing a child will be to my H and I...
As far as OM having a child - that will not change the amount of time we have as he just will not be the kind of father who will be involved whether I am around or not (another reason we are not compatible on a fulltime basis)...However, my having a baby will be completely opposite. My time will be completely restricted and Im not sure I want that yet in all aspects. My enjoyment of taking off shopping for the day, running over to visit my girlfriends etc., not just the time I have with my OM...but yes, that to...
I have alot to think about obviously. Someone asked about our timeline and it's something OM and I have never discussed. As far as Im concerned I think this is just something that we will hold onto as long as there's more good than bad resulting from it. We definately love one another and we definately aren't ready by any means to just toss in the towel because of bumps in the road. Im just not sure how strong our bond really is and I feel like them having this baby will be one test, their marriage will be another and my starting a family will be another big one - all of which are forseeable in the relatively near future...it's just very hard to make decisions that you know will make other aspects of your life go "bad"...kind of like quitting your job when you dont have the money to pay the bills without it....LOL
Liberal
Don't get me wrong, I would love to have time again to do what *I* want. But I had years of childless adulthood, and all too soon my kids will be grown and I'll have more time than I want on my hands.
I hope that helps.
i am now child-free for the first time in 27 years and i love it. i'm gradually getting back to being a little selfish and doing what i want, buying something friviously just because i can. but i was so upset when my first child, my son, moved out. but after a few weeks i adjusted because i still had my 2 girls at home. but of course, over the next several years, they both went out on their paths and now it's just me and my BF! and i'm not lonely at all.
but let me tell you, i wouldn't have traded one minute of their childhoods for any thing or person. i weathered their dad (my xH) having an A while we were trying to conceive the first time (H and OW were found out and my H "picked" me and stayed), a miscarriage when my first child was 14 months old, a third pregnancy that was problematic from start to finish. i absolutely think my greatest accomplishment in this life are those three beautiful, healthy, happy children (adults now!!) and i thank god every day for them.
when you're ready to start trying, you'll know.
good luck,
gurl
I totally agree with gurl and shouldi.
I had a child (my third, with DH) several years into my A. It did nothing but strengthen the A, because it was yet another phase of our life together which we could compare and share (he is a father too). He has often said that my role as a mother is one of the sexiest and most desirable things about me and he wants to know that side of me too.
My A is long-standing and will continue. I know we have time for all the phases of both of our lives.
I hope that helps,
Kari
You're wisdom is appreciated ladies! *hugs*
Liberal
I think its great that you are taking your time and thinking about it. And also that with the posts of fellow posters you are feeling more comfortable about the entire situation.
I did want to add that even when you think that you aren't ready, once you hold the child in your arms, magically, you are ready. I have my first child very young, and questioned myself throughout the entire pregnancy.
Then to see her face, it changed all my doubts. Over the years we have seen good times and bad, and I don't know how I would have faced it all without my kids.
Good luck to you and take a deep breath and simply enjoy what lies ahead no matter what they may be,
Sweettendencies
I remember coming home from the hospital with my first one, putting him down in his bassinet, and thinking... "OK, NOW what do I do"? (a question which my son had no problem answering from there on out!)
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