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| Mon, 08-04-2003 - 10:14am |
Hi everyone, This weekend was horrible. OM had decided that he can't deal with our R anymore. He says that he wants to be in a "regular" R with the one person he loves and since I am M that is impossible. I haven't lied to him and he knows I have no intention of leaving H. He also realizes that my kids come first even before I make time for him. He wants to go back to being friends. I asked him to give me some time so that I can get my feelings under control. It is so hard because when I am on line and he comes on I just want to IM him to see what he is doing - I haven't yet. We talked all the time and this NC is hard. A few weeks ago we had NC but I broke that after 2 wks because I missed him so much. I do believe that we can go back to the way it was before I just have to deal with my feelings for him in my own way and in my own time. I will not throw away a 22 yr friendship just because I have no IC with OM. Any advice on how I can deal with these feelings?
I have lurked on the ending board and don't like it over there. I don't believe that they are very supportative and doubt if I will ever post on it. I would like to post here I have met some wonderful supportative people and the advice here is the best.
I have also decided that I am going to actively work on my M and try and make things better, so maybe this push from OM is a good thing (trying to look for the positive). I just don't have a clue on where to begin, any suggestions? Since I have been with OM I haven't acted so nice towards H and I know that now I have a lot to make up for, is that possible?
Well I gotta run. OM is on line and I think I am getting off for now. Thanks for any advice. DAF

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As far as removing him from your buddy list goes, I understand the comfort of just seeing him there. But if you find that it is torturing you then you should steer clear of the computer. The day will come (it may be hard to see right now) when you don't mind that he is online.
I think one of the difficulties about ending an EMA is that you can't openly express your feelings around the house. In a way, you are forced to keep a straight face/keep the emotions bottled up. Do you have any friends that know about your OM? If so, it might be a good time to go out with that person.
But changing your routine as much as you can (without raising too many eyebrows) is really the best thing right now. Start a new project with DS. Rent movies (and not the sappy ones). Get outside and enjoy the beautiful weather before summer is over.
As fas writing a letter goes, get out that pen and paper, sweetie. But don't send it rigth away -- just let it sit for a few days...you will find that your emotions during this period will constantly do summersaults but each day will be a little better.
You will get through this, Daf!
Hugs to you,
Alameda
I checked to see if I could email you, but your address wasn't on your profile. You asked how I deal with all of this? I really don't. I'm just kind of numb to it all right now because it's so fresh. I catch myself thinking about him and a tear comes to my eye. Somedays, I'm really strong and I think that I don't care about him and that I will make it through all of this. Some days, I'm very weak and he's all I think about. It's really stupid to let someone have this much control in your life. But my close friend that I confide in told me that it wouldn't hurt me so much if I didn't care so much about him.
I think about what I could have done to make him want to be with me. The only answer that I can come up with is that there is nothing that I can or could do. If he wants me, he knows where I am. He told me that he would never leave his W, and I am okay with that. I really don't want a full blown relationship with him because I don't think he's capable of it. I mean, geez, look at him, he can't even be faithful to his W even though he won't leave her. He said that he was too old and tired to start over, plus he has a small child that he has always used as an excuse for not being able to be with me. I had never been in an A before, and I seriously doubt that there will ever be another one.
I actually spoke to my MM yesterday and he acts as though nothing has happened, and acts almost indifferent to the whole situation. It is kind of like if you don't discuss it, then it will go away. He is a very strong personality and usually very easy to talk to, except when it comes to us now. I have gotten to the point where I don't even mention anything about our relationship and just try to be a friend to him. Then he will start with his flirting, come on strong, then suddenly back off. Now you know why I stay confused. But I do realize that I am the only one who has power over myself and I have let him be in control for way too long. I guess that's how I'm making it through this situation. I really do want to be friends with him, it will just take some time. He's quite a bit older than me, so I think he always thought that he "knew" more than I did. But when it comes to matters of the heart, he really sucks at it.
Sorry, but I just had to vent this morning. I got up feeling really good and not wanting to even speak to him or see him, but I came down fast. Sometimes I feel like I want him to hurt as much as I am hurting, but I know he isn't. While I am at work is when he pops up. He will show up at my office unannounced, make an appearance and then leave just as quick as he came in. It's almost like he thinks he can keep me thinking about him if he does this, and it usually works.
I used to be a very strong person and didn't really care what anyone thought about me. I was always the tough one that everyone came to when they were the emotional wreck and they needed comfort. That's the woman that I want to be. I just hope that I can find her again. And I feel that I will. I am just taking it day by day and see what happens. Yes, I fall off my wagon quite a bit. But I always get back up and brush myself off. I just consider it a stumbling block in my road and I will get past it. Hopefully you will too and it will be a lot easier to remain friends with your OM.
Thanks for listening. Actually being on this board has helped me a tremendous amount in dealing with this. Just knowing that there are kindred spirits out there is a comforting thought. Thanks again.
H&H
H&H, I just updated my profile and settings so you can email me if you still want to. Boy do you sound a lot like me, I could have written most of your post. I also used to be the strong person that everyone came to and still do its just that everyone seems to forget that you may have issues at times. I find this board a life saver because I can get support for me instead of always taking care of everyone else. You will again be the "tough" one, the one everyone goes to but you need time for yourself and to let your feelings run their course. Since OM I have kind of withdrawn from being in that role because I wanted to save my time for him. This hasn't been a good thing because I have been short with people I care about and now I must rectify that situation.
I hope that you are feeling better, sending you hugs. I am still numb and haven't had a good day since Thur so I know how you feel. Right now OM is online, which I like because I know he is still there and alright. I just have to stop myself from IMing him. I won't remove him from my buddy list because one day I am going to be able to tlak to him and still be his friend (I don't know when, but it will happen). I am going to get going and sign off, no sense in torturing myself that much. Thank you and talk to you soon. DAF
I'm sure he's hurting just as much as you are.. why do you think he's not? It's easy for men to hide their feelings, but inside he's probably dying, I mean why would he just pop into your office? And that needs to stop if that's possible, I mean maybe you can tell him you have a b/f or something so that he doesn't think he can just unexpectedly appear unannounced, ya know what I mean?
I'm sure it gets easier day by day... we're here for you!
hugs
Actually I'm married and MM knows my H, knows where H works, etc. The only thing that keeps him from popping into my office is the woman that I work with--he can't stand her. He scopes out the parking lot for her vehicle and if he doesn't see it, that's when he shows up. Actually the other day, he stopped out in front of my building but wouldn't come in because he saw that she was here. He told me that he didn't come see me because she "blew it" for me by being here. He can be so conceited sometimes.
But I really don't think that he is hurting. He's the one who wanted to end things and only be friends. He didn't really have a reason other than he didn't want to confuse me anymore. He doesn't talk about his feelings, so I don't know what goes through his mind. I think he only shows up at my office so that he can just keep me thinking about him. I don't know.
Thanks for your advice though. It is tough knowing that he may appear or call and it gives me a little hope, only to be dashed when he says that he only wants to be friends.
H&H
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