Back from a long hiatus & more lost than before
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|Tue, 04-23-2013 - 11:11pm|
It's been several months since I've posted here. My A ended in Aug after 6 yrs. We tried being friends for a while, and eventually slid back into an A, though it was pretty rocky because I was slow to trust him again and he was keeping things more compartmentalized than before. Just over a month ago, he drops a bomb that him & SO are getting married in Oct. They've been together 19 yrs, so he doesn't see how this changes anything between him & I. (!!??) The kicker is this has been in the works since Sept, maybe longer, but he said they've actually planned this before & he changed his mind, and that there's only a 50% chance it will happen. Evidently that was his way of cushioning the blow because his friends/family know and all the plans have been made.
He's told me for years he would never get married again, and while I've watched him jump through hoops in his controlling R, I've never seen him act this whipped or "succumb to peer pressure" (his words) over anything this major. Needless to say, I'm very unhappy, and we've had some doozie arguments the past few weeks. I've done everything from bawl my eyes out to close to scratching his eyes out. He's listened and cried with me, and seems determined to prove that he's there for me in whatever way I'll allow him to be. He says he's still in love with me and will never get over me, but his life is with SO and he feels he owes this to her as long as they've been together, and that it's what he should do at this point of his life. I don't know how to respond to that kind of thinking.
I'm filled with sadness and anger, and now every time he can't respond to a txt or has to leave to take a call from her ... things I'm very used to & put up with for a long time, I completely lose it. I keep trying to make sense of something that's never going to make sense to me. The pain feels unbearable & I'm having a hard time getting grip. I don't want to spiral downward over someone who so clearly doesn't want me. The more I try to pull away, the more he comes around, and I jump at every scrap he throws at me, like it somehow proves it wasn't all for nothing, and then end up feeling like a pushover he doesn't take seriously. I used to be so strong & independent before my son died & my illness. I find glimpses of that on the wknd when AP & I are apart, but come Mon morning, even if I ignore his calls part of the day, I always cave. When AP ended it in Aug, he did it with a whimpy phone call & wouldn't even discuss it with me for a few weeks. He swears that won't happen again, but my gut tells me it will, either right before or after the wedding, and I will once again find out everything was bs. WTH is wrong with me???