Back from a long hiatus & more lost than before

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Back from a long hiatus & more lost than before
6
Tue, 04-23-2013 - 11:11pm

It's been several months since I've posted here.  My A ended in Aug after 6 yrs.  We tried being friends for a while, and eventually slid back into an A, though it was pretty rocky because I was slow to trust him again and he was keeping things more compartmentalized than before.  Just over a month ago, he drops a bomb that him & SO are getting married in Oct.  They've been together 19 yrs, so he doesn't see how this changes anything between him & I. (!!??)  The kicker is this has been in the works since Sept, maybe longer, but he said they've actually planned this before & he changed his mind, and that there's only a 50% chance it will happen.  Evidently that was his way of cushioning the blow because his friends/family know and all the plans have been made.

He's told me for years he would never get married again, and while I've watched him jump through hoops in his controlling R, I've never seen him act this whipped or "succumb to peer pressure" (his words) over anything this major.  Needless to say, I'm very unhappy, and we've had some doozie arguments the past few weeks.  I've done everything from bawl my eyes out to close to scratching his eyes out.  He's listened and cried with me, and seems determined to prove that he's there for me in whatever way I'll allow him to be.  He says he's still in love with me and will never get over me, but his life is with SO and he feels he owes this to her as long as they've been together, and that it's what he should do at this point of his life.  I don't know how to respond to that kind of thinking. 

I'm filled with sadness and anger, and now every time he can't respond to a txt or has to leave to take a call from her ... things I'm very used to & put up with for a long time, I completely lose it.  I keep trying to make sense of something that's never going to make sense to me.  The pain feels unbearable & I'm having a hard time getting grip.  I don't want to spiral downward over someone who so clearly doesn't want me.  The more I try to pull away, the more he comes around, and I jump at every scrap he throws at me, like it somehow proves it wasn't all for nothing, and then end up feeling like a pushover he doesn't take seriously.  I used to be so strong & independent before my son died & my illness.  I find glimpses of that on the wknd when AP & I are apart, but come Mon morning, even if I ignore his calls part of the day, I always cave.  When AP ended it in Aug, he did it with a whimpy phone call & wouldn't even discuss it with me for a few weeks.  He swears that won't happen again, but my gut tells me it will, either right before or after the wedding, and I will once again find out everything was bs.  WTH is wrong with me???

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2013

Oh sweet.. can only try to imagine what that would feel like... 6yrs is a long time.. your affair is/was a relationship in itself... that has gotta hurt to end, and about the best I can do realistically is offer some massive cyberhugs.

Brief observation from what you've just written (parts of it, like all of these stories, are very familiar)... maybe the future wife of his is the pushover, she's the safe bet. He's scared of being alone forever (god knows age can do that - hitting the end of his mojo period and starting to really feel old..?) and feels like you are truly an independent and strong person (no doubt he admires you for that) who could pick up and leave at any time..?

Not that it will make any of this easier for you, but I dare say he doesn't realise how much impact it will have on him to lose you.

Remember your own strength and to value yourself.

x

Currently researching for our project, Affair Understanding.
Keen to connect with others wanting to discuss their experiences in having an affair.
Feel free to PM me any questions :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012

well said, *lisachilene*. their marriage is tainted, and you have the power here by walking away. if you stay with him, you are making it easier for him to stay in his marriage but giving him whatever his wife doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
  1. Create, I don't know your history other than what you have written here and now. But i can imagine You must have felt like you were punched in the gut when you found out that your AP had asked another woman to marry him. All I can say is this: is that woman really the lucky one?  Hell no.  I would never want a man to marry me who was continuing on an affair with another lover.  Are you really goin to let him have his cake and eat it too? Who is the dumb ass here?  If he wants his happy little marriage nest then HE MUST NOT HAVE YOU ON THE SIDE!  Look, your absence from his life will destroy him. Period.  He will never be happy with the new wife.  He will come running back to you.  Just a matter of time.  So stay strong and leave them alone.  In the meantime put yourself out there and keep yourself well entertained! Who knows what could happen in this crazy world!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012

Wow, createsomething I have not been on this board in forever and popped in and I am in the exact same situation!! Private message me if you'd like, or we can figure out a way to chat more. I am now divorced, found out in January my AP is getting married in June! We haven't spoken since then...I told him never contact me again, I need to find a healthy relationship. I wish I hadn't been so harsh, because he HASN'T contacted me since, but at the time I was so distraught I didn't know what other option I had.

My true disgust, as others are pointing out, is that an affair puts such a crack in things...why on earth would you get married to a woman you've been cheating on? In one sense, I also never thought AP and I would end up together in real life, but in some weird way, I would almost rather him have ended up single or with someone else than his long-term partner of five years just b/c everyone I talk to doesn't understand why he would marry her, and my AP used to make a lot of negative comments about marriage in general. I think for my AP he is marrying out of a sense of obligation as well, and he was also more than happy to let the affair continue during his engagement/marriage and I said no way! His fiance definitely has some suspicions, but chooses to ignore them or doesn't care, I guess. He is too much of a coward to start anew, and it doesn't hurt that his fiance is from a wealthy/prestigious family, so I guess he gets the perks of that.

Being the same boat, I agree with what others are saying--end it. The first two or three months are hell...I was a mess, physically and emotionally..him getting engaged was one of the biggest reality checks of my life, mostly becaues I just cannot comprehend his behavior. He is only 30...why pledge to spend your life with someone you've already betrayed so much? It is going to be very difficult right now, but I as time goes on disgust will take over...this man is weak and a coward. Now nearly five months later, the wounds are still here, but healing slowly. I never thought I'd find someone in my same situation....an engaged AP, what a strange situation. Now is the time to find something new in yourself...a new hobby, a small trip...anything to treat yourself well. Take back that power and show him you respect yourself. Stay strong and I will be thinking of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

I understand and appreciate what you're saying, Music.  Yes, part of what bothers me is his SO not having all the info before making this commitment.  I also know she knows some, and for whatever reason has decided to ignore or accept it.  And yes, he does tell her he loves her.  They've been together a long time, and have been through a lot with each other, have kids and grandkids.  Nearing his 56th bday, feels it's too late to teach an "old dog new tricks" and has a lot of regrets for being so afraid to change a few yrs ago.  Our mutual friends think he's crazy if he goes through with this, but the bottom line is it's not up to me or them.

I never expected him to leave.  I just didn't expect THIS, and for things to change so drastically.  I wasn't waiting for the bus, though I like that analogy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think what is wrong with you is that you held onto the hope that since he wasn't married, that some day he would leave his SO & be with you and now since he's going to marry her, that hope is dashed.  I think you need to take back the power in this relationship by dropping him!  Seriously do you want to go on this way for the rest of your life, getting these little scraps of his time?  Wouldn't you prefer to find someone who is available & wants to be with you and no one else?  I can't imagine how stupid his reasoning is if he actually does love you (& not just saying what you want to hear) that he is marrying someone because he "owes it to her."  I wonder if anyone would ask the GF would she like to get married to a guy who is telling another woman that he's in love with her and that he's just caving under pressure would she still want to marry him?  My guess would be no.  I would pretty much bet that he tells his SO that he loves her too and wants to marry her, don't you think?  

I think it's interesting that you want to prove "it wasn't all for nothing."  If you read that book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, there's a chapter in there that's similar about why women will stay in a bad relationship.  The author compares it to waiting for a bus, like you go out thinking the bus will come in 5 minutes--if it still doesn't come in 15 minutes, you'll still stay there for even longer because you don't want to "waste your time" even though if you knew at the beginning that you would have to wait, say 40 mins., you would never agree to that.  It's just a bad belief though.  You  might have wasted 6 yrs waiting for this man to leave his SO but does that mean that you are going to waste 6 more years when you could find someone better?