Back with an update - exAP is divorcing
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Back with an update - exAP is divorcing
| Sat, 01-23-2010 - 7:37pm |
Hi everyone,
I have not posted here for quite some time.
| Sat, 01-23-2010 - 7:37pm |
Hi everyone,
I have not posted here for quite some time.
Hi Bunny,
I don't come here much anymore (my A ended 2 years ago) but I still check to see who is around from the old days. I remember you and the pain you were in.
Do you think his kids could still become a problem? I seem to remember that they are grown, but threatened never to speak to him again if he left the M. They may pull that again if they know he is with you. I hope he is strong enough to choose you this time. Good luck and I hope it works out for you.
Hi Snowstorm,
He has made the decision to move forward with us, and told me his children will have to accept it.
Bunny,
I got a divorce two years ago. I don't talk to XAP anymore. He chose to stay with his W, but wanted me to hang in there. After two years I finally got some self-respect and realized it would never be the right time for him.
I have a wonderful, single boyfriend and I can't believe how much time I wasted on someone who didn't belong to me. Never again!!
Anyway, come on over to After the Affair, some good advice over there on transitions like yours.
Hi Snowstorm,
Thank you!
"Until the divorce is a done deal, I will not put my whole heart into this." I AGREE WITH YOU 101%. Make sure you see the divorce papers WITH YOUR OWN TWO EYES. I bet you, you think that separation is not enough based on what you have been through. (dON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY). having been in an emr myself, separation is no longer enough for me. if i am looking someone and i meet a man who is separated, i am very cautious. because i AM NOT WAITING ON ANY MAN TO FILE FOR HIS DIVORCE. IT TAKES TOO LONG and SOMETIMES THEY DRAG THEIR FEET. my ex-mm took forever to file for his divorce when he got separated. i waited four years after he separated and had to leave him. now bear in mind that i was involved with him in an emr 6 years before. so the relationship lasted a total of 10 years. but you know how extra marital relationships are. you want the man to be with you permanently and its drama if he leaves (well sometimes). all sorts of issues, whether children or whatever.
"Yet, I am happy, but feel guilty because my happiness is at the expense of someone else's..." but i thought you said that he told you that the problems started from before the affair or something like that? don't blame yourself. i think that what you have to focus on now is forgiveness. Are you a religious person? if you are, ask God for forgiveness. HE WILL FORGIVE YOU. you also need to forgive yourself. maybe things with this man can work out. in fact, i think it will. just take it slow. All the best to you.
"I can't believe how much time I wasted on someone who didn't belong to me. Never again!!"
wow. i agree with you too especially the "never again" part. after my emr, i said never again too. when i meet someone and find out he is married, i say to myself, "ok, then, moving right along" cause once i hear that they are married my dear, forget it. i don't want to be the ow again. i deserve better. Mark you, (as my father would say), IT IS NOT EASY. I AM TELLING YOU. sometimes the men look really good and i might be tempted to get involved. BUT I DISTANCE MYSELF, cause i don't want to compete with anyone. while single men are hard to find, it is easier dating a single man than a married man. at least you can PLAN A FUTURE WITH HIM. you don't have to deal with any wife and as a matter of fact, you don't know the sort of wife he has, whether it is someone who will come to your workplace and make a scene. plus issues like children (if they are small or teenagers, prevent them from leaving, finances etc. i am not taking that risk again. if you are married, you just don't qualify. no matter how i want you badly, if you married, i am running to the nearest exit. right now, there is a mm i like and who likes me and i avoid him. can't deal with it. i know he is having marital problems but until he is divorced, i am staying far from him. if he gets divorced and i am still available, then fine. but once he is married, i will run. the wife doesn't look like she is going any where, anytime soon. she loves the money and the life. he on the other hand wants to leave, but it looks like he is not ready yet or he is waiting on her to leave. whatever! i am looking a single man. and looking real hard too.
separation is not enough cause my fear is that if you date a man who is separated, there is a possibility that he can go back to his wife or he takes long to file. my ex-mm took a long time to file.
I agree with you K, it seems like there is a switch I can turn off now if I meet someone and find out they are married or have a GF. For the life of me I don't know where the switch was when I met my XAP, and how I justified two years of it to myself, but somehow I did. I guess that is one good thing that came of the whole mess, that I will never do it again.
Not to rain on your parade, Bunny--there are several success stories over on AAS of people who ended up with their APs. I didn't happen to be one of them but I thank my stars every day that I ended it when I did. XAP wasn't going anywhere--there was always a reason he couldn't leave. After the A ended he stalked me for years. Just couldn't let go. Who needs that kind of drama?
Sorry for the hijack. Glad you are thinking clearly, Bunny, you are obviously a strong person.