Backing up but eventually moving ahead

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
Backing up but eventually moving ahead
8
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 10:59am
When my ap and I first discussed how we felt, back when it was just texting and nothing physical, he said there was no way we could act on our feelings. He said he had wanted to kiss me for a long time but knew better. He said there was no way we could be so selfish and hurt those that we love. Fast forward to now. We are now in a full blown affair. In the last few months we have tried setting boundaries but it never last more than a few days, if that. He'll say what he wants the limits to be because that's all he can handle, then next thing you know we have passed those limits. It's not like he looks back and regrets things, he's just scared of getting too attached. We've talked about a future together and I'm sure that's what he wants, but he's not sure if he wants to leave his wife and start over just yet. He doesn't want to meet up too much because he's scared of getting too attached, which in his words is already happening. We talk about everything so I know where we stand. It's just frustrating that at every step it's like he needs to time to process it in his mind before he's comfortable. He says the emotions get to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 11:47am

Hi Lost,


I think it's a bit too late. He's already attached and is trying very hard to try and detach. He's fallen and I know the feeling so well.


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 11:55am
Do you think that's why he gets scared when I tell him exactly how I feel? Not so much how I feel, but what I'm willing to do to be with him? He talks to me every chance he can get, we talk on MSN every night, and since he's my husbands friend, is planning lots of things with us. I've fallen for him long ago and he says we are on the same page, it's just confusing when he tries to slow things down. We have a week coming up in the fall where we'll have the opportunity to spend lots of time together and some overnight trips. He says anything goes during that week but after that we're going to have to slow down again so we can get back to normal. He says it's all his head can take. What does that mean?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 12:28pm

I don't think he realizes that all this "anything goes during that week but after that we're going to have to slow down again so we can get back to normal" is like one big yoyo back and forth. We don't have on and off switches (wish I did) because if we did then it would be easy to do but we don't and he's fooling himself if he thinks this tactic will ease his mind.


When feelings are involved it's a whole different ball game. Some people have the gift of separating the two but I sure as heck don't.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2010
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 12:48pm
"We don't have on and off switches " You dont but guys have ! They have a good time in the sack and can turn the switch off quickly
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 1:50pm

This is very similar to what was going on with my AP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2009
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 2:30pm
That's what I'm worried about, him freaking out and ending it. He doesn't run and hide though, just says we have to stop certain things. He hates the idea of having an affair and the emotional work that comes with the lying but he doesn't want to end things either. I told him the other day after he got scared again and I told him he had to decide. I gave him the option of stopping now before we ruin our friendship or keep going. He thinks if we are together now it means we will eventually end up together. He doesn't want to stop thing and just set the limits again, but two days later he's already making plans to break them. I almost find it funny, I'm starting to get used to it anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 8:07am
I'm sorry about your broken heart oh_my_my... That sucks. Big (((hugs))).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 8:12am

Lots of guys have that push and pull in an A.

One thing though - the chances of ending up together are really small (at least, that's what everyone says). They're not impossible, but from the stories here from people who did end up together, there didn't seem to be the "push and pull" from the guys in their Rs. It was kinda like they both knew very early that they had to be together and went about the steps necessary to do so.

Guard your heart if you can sweetie. It sucks to have one broken.

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've