Bad Kitty and All- I need to say gbye..
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Bad Kitty and All- I need to say gbye..
| Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:04pm |
Today was was terrible. I believe I fatally screwed up anything that I hoped to have with MM. We met at the same bar as last week at 3:15pm today. He did not take my hand like last week so I did not make any attempt to make physical contact with him. It just felt odd today. He parked next to me and when we were by our cars, he held me and we did close mouth kiss twice. He then held me; it was nice, but I got greedy. (I was also a little buzzed from the beer but not by any means drunk). Anyhow, I told him I wanted do this ( meaning REALLY kiss passionately) just one time. I attempted the open mouth kiss and he resisted. I told him to relax- no one would know. I got a little from him but not what I wanted. Then we separated a bit ( although we were still somewhat embraced) I grabbed his butt cheek. He said something to the fact that if I was going to do that we needed more time. Said he would see me on Sat. (kids hockey game) We then parted into our own cars and left.
He's not wanting an A. Otherwise he would have welcomed the "kiss". I am not emailing anymore. Now that I have eaten dinner and really 'sobered' up, I realize the consequences of my actions. I'm sure he feels like he can not be alone with me anymore as I will come on strong like that again. So, no more 'dates'. I am now in an emotional state of numbness. I moved too fast when everyone said 'take it slow with him or you will scare him off'. Well, I sure think he's gone now for good. Oh, we'll still talk at hockey, but I will not stand over by him like before. It's over... and I have only myself to blame.
I did cry some this evening and know that tomorrow will bring on more tears and sadness. I am destined to be who and what I am. I need to accept my emptiness, loneliness, restlessness, etc in my life. Once again, I will push my desires and passions, my longing for love back down into my soul. My heart is breaking and the pain of this failure is too much. I can't stand myself anymore.
He's not wanting an A. Otherwise he would have welcomed the "kiss". I am not emailing anymore. Now that I have eaten dinner and really 'sobered' up, I realize the consequences of my actions. I'm sure he feels like he can not be alone with me anymore as I will come on strong like that again. So, no more 'dates'. I am now in an emotional state of numbness. I moved too fast when everyone said 'take it slow with him or you will scare him off'. Well, I sure think he's gone now for good. Oh, we'll still talk at hockey, but I will not stand over by him like before. It's over... and I have only myself to blame.
I did cry some this evening and know that tomorrow will bring on more tears and sadness. I am destined to be who and what I am. I need to accept my emptiness, loneliness, restlessness, etc in my life. Once again, I will push my desires and passions, my longing for love back down into my soul. My heart is breaking and the pain of this failure is too much. I can't stand myself anymore.
I wish everyone here the best; BK and Bos- thank you for supporting me through out this. I so wish I had reason to stay here. Keep your hearts beautiful.

As for accepting emptiness and loneliness... why would you do that?
Seek out some counseling. Consider reading something that might bring more positivity to your life such as "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Join a church or temple if you are a spiritual person, or consider exploring other religions if you have no affiliation.
I'll be honest with you, and please consider this coming from a compassionate place, ok?
People are not attracted to desperate people. If you really gave off this vibration of need, this might easily have shut him down. People get into an A to find something they don't have (usually.)If it feels vaguely like it might just take more than it gives, they will quickly bolt.
Having an A might not even solve a problem at all; it might just create more. And just because this didn't turn out the way you wanted doesnt mean you should give up altogether. You sound like a passionate, sincere person who needs a little love. Maybe start with some love of self and give yourself a break.
Good luck. I really hope you find what you need, moreso than what you might want.
rain
It feels like the end of the world right now but, believe me, it isn't. You have a heart to give and there is someone somewhere out there who will appreciate and gladly accept the loving, caring and kind woman that you are. And, hon, it will happen on its own and you will not have to try hard to "make" it happen. Just be true to yourself. Don't have an affair just for the sake of being in one. If your are looking for the emoitonal connection then that's what it should be and don't settle for anything less.
I agree with the guys. Find yourself, find what you want, and what you are missing. Be the vivacious, sweet, beautiful woman that you are, and you will get what you want. Whether it be an emotional/physical A, or more love and attention from H. Being who you are is what draws men to you.
Plz visit V...we love you hon!
P.S. Now I agree with the guys definitely, and of course I wasn't there. I don't want you to get your hopes up. But I also want to point out, that he still might make contact with you. If he does, DO NOT APOLOGIZE!! Because when you try to explain why you did what you did, you will reveal more of what you are feeling that he'll be comfortable with. Kinda gloss over it, unless he brings it up. If he says something about you coming on too strong, just tell him, you're sorry, and leave it at that. I think that waiting for him to make contact is the right decision. Feel free to contact me anytime to talk, ok! juicy_girl7758@yahoo.com
And like Bad Kitty says, you never know ... what will happen. If he thinks things over and is ready and willing, you may just be surprised sometime!! If not, try to make yourself happy in the meantime, and be your own wonderful self.
It is so true, no one can complete us and make us happy like our own selves.
Dusty
wish I'd waited til this morning to try to post... I meant to say what you did, but at 1am wasn't quite as articulate or brief.
rain