The battle going on in my head....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
The battle going on in my head....
10
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:19pm
Do I leave H? Do I stay? Do I love him? Do I stay for my son? Would I be in love with another man if I loved my H? I actually dislike my H alot. But lately I've been fantasizing that he can be everything to me that MM is. PLEASE HELP!!!!! I'm supposed to put an offer in on a condo TONIGHT! I'm scared. Does it still hurt to leave when you are the one leaving? I've been SO miserable for SO many years. Now I'm getting cold feet. I wanted a divorce before I met MM but now I'm trying to make myself believe that I would be happy with H. It's because I love my little guy SO much that I feel guilty. Any opinions? Thanks

I'm not basing this decision on mm. We have a good relationship but we don't know about the future. Is being afraid to be alone a reason for staying with a man I don't love? I could kick myself because before we married I knew I was making a mistake. But know that we have our son how could it be a mistake?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:27pm

hiya secret,


I hope for your own sanity's sake you come a decision on that soon. I have seen you post all over the boards on this subject and I feel for you. You must be really sick with all kinds of stuff going on in your head. Only you can deicide for yourself. BTW, is your MM also getting out of his M??


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:34pm
I know I'm all over asking for the magic answer. MM's marriage is over. He is getting a divorce within the month. But they still live in the same house. So my guess is anything can happen. I don't dwell on that. What MM did do for me was to make me realize that I am a WOMAN!!!!! Something H has never done. I hate the thought of leaving my beautiful house.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:37pm

Yes leaving a beautiful house for the MM is definitely a sacrifice. I can't imagine myself doing it to please a man. Its hard - all that work you took into decorating the house?

Avatar for zookittie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 3:55pm
HI

I am not sure what insight I can add, being that I am single and have never been married. I was in a LTR for almost 5 years, we never did live together but after 5 years I realized on my own that he did not love me the way I needed to be loved and that I had stayed in that relationship for the 2 previous years and even really got into it b/c I did not want to be alone. After 2 years of counseling every other week I finally learned that it is better to be alone ( although hard as living hell ) for the right reasons than to be with the wrong person ( that is a different living hell ). I learned by being alone how to be me again and learned what I liked and what I wanted. And you will never truly be alone, you have a wonderful son and your friends will be there for you too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:01pm
Not leaving for MM! H makes the big bucks and I don't. There's NO way I could ever afford "his" house. He's let me know everyday that it's "his" house. So I will be moving from a 4500sq/ft gorgeous home to a small old 900 sq/ft condo! Appealing? NO. I lived a long time suffering in comfort. My 3 car heated garage will now be a cold carport! CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:09pm
You cannot let your H say that its "his" house - that is not true. Its your house too. I think you should tell him to leave if you deicide to separate. He can always help you out with the payments/mortage etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:18pm
secret, honey, this is NEVER an easy or simple decision! all i can say i that i did it AND survived AND never looked back!!

do what's in your heart. yes, it's a huge step, but believe me, if you were seriously contemplating separating from your husband even before MM came into your life, you are not making a mistake. the first step is always the hardest!!

good luck honey,

gurl




Edited 2/18/2004 10:24:57 AM ET by gurlfriend50
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 4:24pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 5:36pm
It doesn't make it alot easier just because you are the one leaving, but on my end it does make it some what easier. Because when you are the one being left you feel like you have no control. Sometimes even when you know that the two of you are bad together if they are the one dumping you, it makes it so much harder. So yes it is a little easier, but it will still be tuff. BUT!!! In the end you will be much better off. Why does your H always make it clear to you that it's his house? I know you could probably go to court and him end up helping you make house payments or something like that, but I would probably choose to leave and get my own place where he has no say so or hand in it. But that's just how I am. I don't like to let anyone have any say over that kind of stuff in my life. It was enough that he constantly told me how everything I did was wrong. The dishes, the cleaning, the laundry. I could do no right according to my XH, at least when we were together. Once I left he sang a different tune. But I've gone back and forth with my X and it always went back to him putting me down and me wanting to leave. So now, I have my own place and I don't have some man hanging around telling me how worthless I am. And all the trouble and heartache of a D is more then worth it. Hang in there, you will be much happier in the end. Don't stay because you are afraid of being alone. You are stronger then that and deserve to find someone who will love you the way you want and the way your H isn't loving you. Do it so you can have a happier life and in turn your son will be happier. Your H will get over it. I'm sorry for the hard road you have ahead, but stick to it and it will be worth it in the end. GOOD LUCK!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 6:01pm
Have you heard of "money can't buy me love" by Beattles? That pretty much sums my thoughts on this thread. You can have a beautiful house but do you love living in it? Does it feel like living a life sentence in a prison?? If it does, please leave. Do it for yourself.