Beating the Odds
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Beating the Odds
| Sun, 01-04-2004 - 6:28am |
From what I've read, the odds of a married man leaving his wife for his lover and the new marriage lasting, (this board and my old math), are about 2.5%.
My MM is getting a divorce. We're talking about marriage. Any advice from everyone here about how to beat those odds?

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I have a ? for you if you don't mind. You can read some of my posts under 'Anyone Hopeful'. But how did your MM come about to getting a divorce. I've been seeing mine for 2 years and we've been through a lot together. In the beginning we were both married and neither was looking to leave our spouses. I have since divorced- for ME, nothing to do with him. Ever so slowly he has opened up about his marriage in small pieces over the last 2 years-love he feels for both of us (me and his wife) is different- he loves her as the mother of his children (as I love my x for that)he feels we are closer than any 2 people could be, we have this connection, never talked to anyone like me ever...first his mother could tell how unhappy he is, he can tell she wants to say something about the distance between him and his wife, most recently over the holidays he was VERY depressed b/c and he knew his sister could tell, etc. He made a comment about I decide to make an effort and then......he never finished that but apparently it didn't go well. We've gone from in the beginning he would never abandon his family to him now saying he knows his marriage can't and won't continue like it is and that something will happen. He'll either leave, get kicked out or they'll try to make things work- he doesn't even know then if it will but he would have to put some effort into it which he knows but can't do for some reason unknown to him- this inability to try predates me. I have told him i don't want him to leave his wife and marry me- which is true- it has to be for him and not for me. So, anyway, I've tried to take you through kind of the evolution only as it pertains to his marriage. My ? now is: Do I support and love him and not be hard on him for more or do I do the NC thing until he can make some decisions? I think I know what in my heart is right, but I'd like some input- I also need to be sure I remain true to myself and my worth as a person. He basically doesn't know what he wants long term right now but has slowly been making progress in thinking things through.
Maybe your situation was totally different-
I think if there was a way to beat the odds the odds would not be 2.5 percent !
The only thing I can suggest is to make your decissions about your future based on the facts and not wishfull thinking.
Good Luck
FREE
I'm new here, (obviously), so I'll just share a bit about my situation.
I am a divorced mother of three children, 20, 16, and 11. My disabled parents also live with us. I have been divorced for ten years, and during that time I have focused on my family and my career. IOW, I avoided men for years. Anyone crazy enough to take on me and my family, I didn't need. LOL
My MM and I met in a chatroom we both enjoy. (We have several friends in common in this room.) He told me upfront that he was married, and I immediately told him that I don't play with married men. I didn't. We became friends because of common interests, and he challenged my thinking on all levels.
I had some serious crises arise, and he was there for me. I'm talking by the hour...for days. I learned a lot about him, and finally decided that I would be open to having an affair. He had no intention of leaving his wife, or of hurting her in any way. I had no intention of getting serious. I wasn't looking for a husband, just a friend, and later on, a lover to explore with.
He has been married for twenty-five years. He still cares for her; he always will. She didn't do anything wrong. But we've found something unique and precious. He decided to leave her, and I almost ran back out the door. He has always done the "smart" thing, the "wise thing." But he never expected to find love in his life. I never expected to find it, either. We respect each other, and we are honest with each other.
His wife found out about me around the first of November. (She read his emptied mailbox, which he had forgotten to empty.) I suspect he wanted her to know, he was already talking about leaving her. Again, I almost ran for the border. I didn't want her hurt, his marriage hurt, or him hurt. The first three weeks of November were stressful for both of us, because we had to do a great deal of thinking about where we were, and where we wanted to be.
We did this individually, and logically. We weighed pros and cons. I've never encouraged him to leave her, in fact I've actually encouraged him to take this as an opportunity to improve his marriage. They agreed to wait until after the holidays to discuss things...(so their kids didn't have this to deal with during the holidays).
The holidays were very difficult for both of us. I wasn't completely convinced that he was serious, and I learned that I have no intention of ever again being a married man's mistress...especially during the holidays. But he asked me to be patient...and I understood. I agreed because I couldn't see any benefit to him to even be discussing leaving her and coming to me. I hadn't threatened him with leaving. In fact, I complained that he changed the rules on me.
On January 1, he and his wife had the discussion. (He didn't put it off.) He called me that night, and did so where I could tell that he was serious. None of this "two rings and then you call me back so that it doesn't show up on my bill", bit. He called and just told me what was going on. He's refinancing his house, so he can buy her out. They're making lists of who will take what. He announced to our friends that I wouldn't be seeing Lord of the Rings until after the first of the year when my future husband would be taking me.
I can tell you that I'm not cut out for an affair. I've learned that about myself, although I really knew it before I ever agreed to one. I never considered myself second fiddle...more a soloist with my own unique role in his life.
There is a certain feeling of inevitability in our relationship. Looking back through the years, there were many times we could have met, but didn't. Maybe we both had to come to a place where we were ready. My parents' health is fragile. I doubt I will have either of them this time next year. (Mom is in ICU on a ventilator, as we speak.) I can't keep her at home any longer, and I suspect that Daddy won't last long once his reason for living moves on...
My oldest daughter just went off to college, and my middle child will be moving out in the next few months. My household is going from six to two, (and a dog). These are not unexpected changes, but they are all happening at once. I plan on selling my house, (I don't need this much house), and paying off debts with part of the equity.
I would be doing these even if it weren't for my MM. He wouldn't be leaving his wife, if it weren't for me. But the decision is his. If he were to change his mind and stay with her, I would cry, (but to myself), and I would sincerely wish him the best and go on, taking one day at a time and trying to be the very best person I can be.
I believe that we've been together in many lives. Some were wonderful...in some we barely got the opportunity to meet each other. There is a core-deep recognition within both of us that we've finally been reunited. We're home. And I finally took my running shoes off.
We're taking the steps to build a lasting romance and marriage. We're taking the time to do it right.
So how does this answer your question? Is there hope for you? Well, it sounds to me like you're helping your MM come to the right decision for him. That may or may not be marriage with you. If not, have you thought about what you will do? If you are a person of action, (as your post indicates to me), then his indecision must be incredibly difficult for you to deal with. You've shown a lot of wisdom in your reasons for obtaining a divorce for yourself. Just trust your heart, and listen to the wisdom you've gained through the years. Love wants what is best for the other person, even at a high personal cost. Help him to find what he truly wants...be true to yourself, and I believe you will find the answer that you both need.
::hugs::
First, I thought this board was supposed to be supportive, but just FYI:
MM's STBX is a professional and will be receiving a substantial settlement. Her standard of living may change, but it will still be greater than 99.999999999% of the people in the world and at least 85% of all Americans.
And I doubt seriously that either of us would ever allow her to suffer any more than she already is. I'm sure that the children won't allow it.
Support can take more then one form, being realistic and honest is a form of support,that being said suffering could include emotinal pain not just money.
trying
Trying,
I agree that suffering includes emotional and not just money. I am in no way trying to underplay the pain that his STBX is feeling, nor is he. From what I can tell, he is being as gentle as possible in a terribly difficult situation.
My answer was in direct response to the suggestion that we drink a toast in honor of his STBX who would undoubtedly be thrown into poverty due to our selfishness. I thought that this board was to support those of us who are in affairs, and I frankly felt slammed by OneBrokenDream's post.
I never intended to be in the position of hurting his STBX. He didn't either. Things have developed that way, and the fact is that there is pain in every relationship on this board.
I was honest and shared with the members here where we are and I asked for any suggestions to help make our relationship one of the 2.5% that actually do work out. This situation is totally out of my realm of experience, and I was hoping for emotional support and any kind of helpful advice that the members have to offer.
Perhaps I should just shut up.
laura
cl-liberalgirl
callmeliberal@hotmail.com
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