Beating the Odds

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Beating the Odds
21
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 6:28am
From what I've read, the odds of a married man leaving his wife for his lover and the new marriage lasting, (this board and my old math), are about 2.5%.

My MM is getting a divorce. We're talking about marriage. Any advice from everyone here about how to beat those odds?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:07pm
caz, don't worry about brokendream's posts -- she's obviously a BS and bitter, which is her right, but you can ignore her posts in the future. there's a button somewhere on the board, i think, when you're reading her post. but don't judge all of us by one (or two) upset poster(s).

you and MM did not deliberately set out to break up the marriage. whatever your circumstances, it was his decision to leave the marriage because it was HIS marriage, not yours. if you both end up together and are happy, yeah for you!! and i mean that. MM's W is a big girl and will be able to take care of herself and move on with her life. as will you and MM too.

everyone is entitled to do what they want to and need to in life. you can too.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 6:25pm


Thank you for your support. In some ways it is harder for me to believe that this is real than it was for me to believe I was actually involved in an affair.

The thing about it that reassures me is that he had no reason from me that would cause him to leave.

Hell, I'm in love and I'm just plain _sunk_!

::grins::

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 8:35pm
Cazrida-

Thank you so much for your post. I read so much about holding feet to the fire, etc, that I think I just needed someone to tell me that I wasn't a complete idiot that just trusts her heart and doesn't look at reality. The evolutions of our relationships sound fairly similiar. I do not believe he is using me in a bad sense anymore than I 'use' him for what I need- all of the things that go into a loving relationship. I agree when you say loving someone puts what is best for them in front of your own selfish feelings. As long as I feel true to myself in my gut, I think we'll be just fine.

If he decides to stay with his wife in the end I will cry and cry for what we will never share, but as the song goes, "I will survive!" AND, I will know that the person I love is happy. If he leaves, I will be content knowing I was supportive and not pushing him for something he may regret later. I could never live with myself otherwise.

Along with him saying today that he doesn't want to be where we are in our relationship now a year from now, I feel more content than I have for months and your words of wisdom have had a big impact.

Thank you so much.

Crunchy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:31pm
Hi Caz

Sorry it has taken so long to answer.

NO YOU SHOULD NOT SHUT UP

But understand that hurting people will lash out it is normal, you may find yourself doing so one day, after all with stats like 2.5 percent you could easly find yourself back here on the other side of the fence wanting to rip the OW.

So be patient with people and don't take things so personaly(who knows you me and her could all end up ceil mates in hell LOL :-) ).

Take it easy Kid

TRYING


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:15pm


Dear Trying,

Thank-you for your post.

I know that hurting people lash out, and I should have simply put her on ignore. When I said perhaps I should just shut up I was hurt. I know I'm overreacting, but perhaps you will understand when I tell you that my mother passed away this morning. My emotions are all over the place. The only reason I'm posting at all right now, is that I needed some encouragement from a group of people who might understand, and I'm desperately trying to divert myself from some of what is going on around me as we speak. I have to be strong, and Lord knows, I'm trying. But I want to run away, crawl under the bed and just cry.

That's probably TMI for the board. That's far more than I would normally share, as have been the posts I've already made. For those reasons, and for the fact that I know I'm too emotional to really take things logically at the moment, I said perhaps I should just shut up.

Forgive me, please, if I've come across as snippy. I'm tired.

And, just to let everyone know, my MM is being wonderful throughout all of this. What a stressful time we're going through. Yet he remains thoughtful and supportive.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:43pm
Hello Caz

I am so sorry to here of you mothers passing.

please understand I have taken no offense and am sorry my last post was so flip I was just trying to be a bit funny it was very badly timed to say the least.

I am glad MM is there to help you.

Take good care of yourself ,you have been great in your posts.

You go ahead and cry it will help.

TRYING and Crying for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:50pm
I am also sorry for your mother's passing, I was being trite. I am not an ogre. Yes, gurl is right, my husband traded me in on a "newer model" and left me with our 5 year old. I will not post on this board again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:43am
OMG cazrida i am soooo sorry about your mother!! oh honey, of course you want to cry, pound the wall, hide under the covers AND run away! all the pressure of your personal life turmoil, plus now the loss of your mom, jeez, i'd be a basket case too!

so take it one day at a time, lean on your MM for love and support, cry your eyes out, deal with the realities of life, but take care of YOU too!!

hugs, hugs, hugs, honey!

gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 9:53:08 PM ET by gurlfriend50
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:47am
brokendream -- i'm sorry your marriage ended so badly. i've been on both sides of an A and it's never a good thing. the only thing is can say is you deserve better than your xH and i hope you and your 5-year old have a wonderful life without his crappy behavior.

best of luck in the future,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 11:27pm
I want to thank everyone here for their support. Yes, it has been difficult, but I'm hanging in there, and my MM is wonderful. (See Update)

BTW, This is really moving into the open. We've told everyone in our chats, and I think next week he'll be introducing me to everyone at his work. We're going to a very large, local event, and based on what's happening now, I'll probably be going as his date.

And you don't get any more open than bringing a date to a group that is just finding out about your divorce.

I'm changing my name to ::biting nails::