Becoming Fed Up!!!
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| Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:17pm |
Quick summary then onto recent developments:
*OM goes to Pre-Cana class with his fiance', says he is "starting over" and pretty much ends A
*I am devastated, upset, hurt, but go on, back off, and have some NC
*OM comes crawling back, wants to resume A
*Go to several group happy hours, one results with me making out with OM in his car
*I become confused, put some distance between OM and I
*I get a bad cough/cold, and am sick for 1 1/2 weeks, which brings me to present:
Currently, OM is doing/saying some things that have me confused to say the least. I have not seen OM in person for almost 2 weeks now since I have been sick. OM has called/e-mailed/text messaged me multiple times each day, including weekends. I have been somewhat cool in my responses, and haven't returned his calls in about 5 days.
Mind you, I am still acting like we are strictly "friends", exchanging work stories, talking via e-mail, etc., just not phone conversation...Anyway, I guess I haven't been as responsive as he would like, because he has changed his tactics in the last several days.
Sunday, he invited me (via e-mail, mind you) to come to his place for a viewing of the Sopranos. Apparently this is a weekly tradition with several of his friends that they gather at his place to watch the show. Occasionally, his fiance' will even come over for it. I politely declined the invitation, as I already had plans to watch it somewhere else. Well, within 5 minutes of the show ending, he was text messaging me to call him to "talk about the episode". WTF??? I didn't call him back. First thing Monday morning, he e-mailed asking if I got his text message. I just said yes, but I didn't have a chance to call him back.
Next he offered to drop something off at my place that he borrowed several weeks ago (a professional book that I really don't need anymore). I told him he could keep the book, that I no longer needed it.
So...he then changed tactics again, telling me all about how he and his fiance' were going to celebrate the 2-year anniversary of their first date last night, they were going out to dinner, he was getting her flowers, etc.etc.etc. So I politely responded that I wished them a happy anniversary, hoped they had a wonderful dinner and that she enjoyed the flowers. I don't know how he expected me to respond, but he went on and on about their evening this morning in an e-mail, how good dinner was, how beautiful the flower arrangement was, etc.etc.etc.
Again, I responded (again sweetly) that it was nice that they had a good time, glad to hear she liked the flowers and that dinner was good, etc. He asked me to call him after school, and I responded that I had a dr's appointment to address the horrible cough I've had (it turned out to be bronchitis). He immediately responded that he didn't realize I was that sick, he was worried, to call him and let him know how I made out at the doctor's, did I need anything, hoped I was feeling better, etc.
So that brings me to my ultimate dilemma - what the heck is going on here? To be perfectly honest, I'm starting to get annoyed more than anything. I feel like he is trying to manipulate me into calling him and seeing him, and I don't know that I want to. I am afraid of getting hurt and am trying to protect myself. I don't think I want to continue the A at this point. Too many up's and down's, and I don't need a rollercoaster of emotions in my life right now.
Any words of advice, or just words of encouragement? As much as I have feelings for OM, I just can't continue with these games. It's becoming too much for me.
Thanks everyone for listening!
:)
Circe
***Edited to add: Almost forgot! OM mentioned in a conversation in front of me at the last group happy hour that I went to that as soon as he and fiance' get married next year, they're going to try to get pregnant right away. I felt like I got punched in the stomach! Then, in one of his e-mails he mentioned it again, and kind of jokingly asked what I thought of him as a dad. I responded that I thought it was wonderful, and that I wished them all the best...what the heck else can I say to that?!?***
Edited 5/19/2004 5:22 pm ET ET by icirce21

Being in an affair is lots and lots of effort, enormous stress (even just emotional) and is a rollercoaster. There are days when it couldnt simply be better, and other days, when he has to be with his fiancee or wife on a honeymoon vacation and you are left alone, with the depression. So if you want to get involved in an A, you have to have the will to undergo all that! Which, if I may assume, is not the case.Im not really aware with the details of your story, but unless you are deeply emotionally involved with that person, ther is no use to go through the agony. If you dont want the pressure, dont give in!! its not easy at all.
Ok, just a point to the side, why is he proceeding in his engagement when he was unhappy enough to get involved in an affair? That I find a bit too weird. I was engaged, until 10 days ago. I was involved in an A for six months now. Im not saying I left my fiance for MM but this A surely made me realize there are things terribly wrong in my engagement and I broke it off ...after three years!! Why is he setting and planning for a wedding,if thats how's he's feeling before marriage?(it aint gonna get any better afterwards!!) Im sorry for being so blunt :)
I have NO IDEA why he is going through with the engagement. When I met OM, he had just gotten engaged a few months prior. I think they were only dating 6 months when he proposed. I get the impression that she has had things pretty tough, and he feels like he is saving her from all of that, or something equally ridiculous. From the little bit that I know, they have been through a lot together, so there must be a bond there. Why he started the A with me I don't know...
We started the A in December, after knowing each other for about 6 months. We became very close very quickly, and well, one thing led to another. I do feel a deep connection to him, but recently I have kind of tried to seperate myself from that. I think at one point I was getting too lost in the emotional aspect of the A, and that is when things started to get too much for me.
He is still going ahead with wedding plans, or as he told me after the Pre-Cana weekend "plans for the wedding are in full swing". And that is hard for me. I am married, and have been for almost 3 years. My marriage started out great, and went downhill within the last year or so.
Anyway, thanks again for responding, and don't worry about sounding blunt. It's nothing I haven't thought about myself! LOL
:)
Circe
Sweetie... darling...
Compose a hand written letter to your beau. Begin it thus -
"Dear Mr. Not Able to Commit to Anything Despite Proclamations to the Contrary,"
And let those be the last nice words you write. Proceed to read him a list of all wrongs suffered by you in this relationship, and sprinkle liberally with disparagements for the disrespect with which he treats his pending vows. Inform him that his repeated inability to hold a course -- any course -- makes him a poor choice of a mate for both you and his unexpecting fiance.
Inform him that the jello-like material in his back should be returned to the fridge until it firms so that perhaps he might eventually have at least semblance of a spine. Remind him that few people enjoy the sort of hot/cold dynamic he exhibits towards his bride-to-be, least of all you as you sit across tables from him and hear the manner in which he speaks warmly of their eventual parenthood while you listen in and ponder the exact intent of his invitations and remarks.
Last of all, I recommend telling him that after careful consideration of his total disregard for your feelings, you have elected to revoke his friendship priveleges. Say you will cautiously consider whether you will do the same to his professional courtesy. And state furthermore that you intend to drink heavily with handsome strangers until the rest of whatever you shared seems like a distant memory of a bad movie whose plot you didn't quite understand -- but whose star you once had a little crush on...
And don't sign it.
That's my two cents. Short version: lose him. Today. You seem like a great person, I love your posts, and you just have to be better to yourself. Do not accept this crap from him or anyone else.
rain
I would tell him to stop it! I'm sorry but what does he want from you??? I would ask him point blank. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't want to be his mistress on the side and it hurts to hear about him and his fiance'. Be honest! I mean you have nothing to lose anymore so why not? Kick him to the curb and see what he does.
He sounds confused, and you should rid yourself of all the confusion , you don't NEED that!
glad to see you again though! :)
dd
Circe sweety,
This was going to be my advice as well, however, there is no way I could match Rain's ability for humorous candidness.
Get rid of the loser Circe, then pour yourself a nice glass of wine and celebrate.
If we were closer, I'd be celebrating right along with you, h*ll I'd bring the wine.
I'm thinking of you always.
Take Care
Red
Damn you're good!!! That was just what i needed this morning!!
And circe... What Rain SAID!
ddd
When I try to put myself in his fiance's shoes, which I have been doing more and more lately, I get disgusted. Mostly at him, but at myself too. Just the thought of him going into a marriage while having an A is really disgusting to me, it just took me a while to wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. I thought about my engagement to H, and what a happy and exciting time it was, and how all we cared about was marrying each other, and here's this jerk-off doing whatever he pleases. I guess I just reached my limit with everything.
I haven't formulated exactly what my e-mail or words to OM will be, but trust me, Rain, you have given me quite a few ideas, and more than one witty phrase to add to my arsenal when the time comes.
For now, I am laying low, avoiding him when I can. Just today he almost insisted on coming over after work to "drop off a book" until I lied and told him I wouldn't be home. Just in case he did a drive-by, I deliberately stayed later at school until I knew he would be long gone. This isn't how I want to live, and this certainly isn't the person that I had hoped he would be.
Thanks again for your continued support and kind words, I do take everything you say to heart, as I know you are looking out for my best interests. It makes me feel stronger knowing that there are people like you here on the board to help me through this.
Thanks again!
:)
Circe