Been having an affair for the past year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Been having an affair for the past year.
11
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 5:46pm
Hello, everyone I new to this site so I'm hoping someone could help me understand what I'm doing & going with my life! I will be married for 5 years this May, my H and I recently separated X-mas day to be exact. I lost my father to cancer in November of 2002, my husband was never supported when it came to me visiting my father or helping out the family financial or just helping out the family in general. It got to the point where my H told me I had to chose between my father and him! I told my H if he wanted to leave he could, I guess he thought I was going to chose him, well I wasn't in my right stay of mind that day so I didn't pack up his stuff and kicked him out, I just told him to leave, but oblviously he didn't leave! To my family and friends my H was the best, wouldn't hurt a fly! Little did they know! I never told my family anything till now b/c that was just going to hurt my family knowing what position my H was putting me through. Anyways when my father passed away many people that I thought we're my friends we're not there for me more or less my H. So I started chatting to get my mind off things and I meet a guy! What I thought would just be someone to talk too, a shoulder to cry on when I needed it, has lead to a 14 mth affair! We talk every single day, at least 15 times a day, if we are not on the phone, we talking through email! He doesn't work far from me so we would do lunch every single day, and we would try to see each other at least once a week after work! It was pretty easy for me to get away b/c my H and I owe a restaurant so after his regular 9-5 job my H would go to the restaurant and I will just leave my son with the sitter a little while longer! The situation between my H just kept on getting worst and worst, there was no more communication between so finally I asked him to leave in July, which he did but he came back in October! In the meantime OM never said anything, he wants for us to get together but according to him, he wants me to really make sure that my H and I could no longer be. So the OM has never put pressure on me what so never to leave H! Now X-mas day out of the blue I never seen it coming, H says he is leaving due to the fact that I spend to much time at my mother's and helping her out! He claims I no longer know how to be a wife, I no longer clean and cook for him! For me it's pointless to cook b/c he is never home he is always at the restaurant! Anyways, He wants to come back home and I refuse. The truth I'm not in love with H anymore, he hurt me really bad and OM has been there for me more then H! OM wants us to get together but I don't see myself filing for a divorce anytime soon! No one till this day knows about us and I feel I want to come out in the open already...according to the OM it doesn't matter to him which it does b/c his family just found out about me in the sense that he is dating a MW and he said that his mother was really upset, he told his mother I was separated and she said she didn't care I was still considered a MW till the day I get a divorce. He said he don't care what his mother has to say! Anyways, it all boils down too, that I want to have more kids and I want to have them soon b/c I've been having problems with my ovaries, I get cyst very often and they told me if I'm going to have kids start doing it now b/c it was going to be difficult for me to do so later! So here I am I don't know what to do! I was to have kids with the OM but does that mean if I do file for a divorce later now...do I risk losing everything? The only reason I won't file for a divorce is b/c I know for a fact my H won't give it to me! So I rather wait! I'm 27 years old, my son is 3, I still want to have 2 more kids, the OM has 1 child of his own age 4! Does anyone have any suggestions, sorry for writing to much!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 10:42pm
I noticed u wrote at 5 pm...so here goes..I only log on late !

Im sorry to hear about ur loss....

You sound like a strong woman.

Be strong and smart. I would sit down and talk to H first.

If there is no future for you w/ him..pls dont have any more

kids.

You will not be happy. They will not be happy.

Find someone that will listen, be there for you, and

respect u.

OM sounds like he really likes u...and doesnt pressure u.

And furthermore...pls take care of u !!

TOW2002

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 11:18pm
HI Destiny

Well your husband may contest the D I don't think he can really stop it, many stats are are no fault so the A may not even enter into it legaly speaking.

I suggest talking to a lawyer to find out solid factson the subject.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 11:56am
Tow2002 thanks for replying, I have talked to my H many many times about our R not working! If my M does end up in a D I would like for us to be able to get along for our son that's why I find myself always talking to him about our R. H has told me many times to please forgive that he would never do it again but I'm so tired of it b/c he has done it again, now he is doing it with my mother, telling me I have to choose between her and him. This time I was in my right state of mind and I let him go. I worship the ground my H walked on, I gave him everything and anything he wanted, now that he isn't getting none of that,now he has many regrets. I really don't want to have kids with H but with the OM. With him, now I'm starting to see things a little bit more difficult b/c his son's mother was just dignose with cancer! He is helping her out taking pull responsibility of their son and helping in whatever way he can't. It doesn't bother me that he is helping her but at times I just feel that eventually he will just get back with her! He says he won't b/c they can't get along, he is just doing it for his son, but in the time we have been together he has messed around with her once ( at least that I know of)! With or without H & the OM, I moving on with my son, I have support from my family and I'm able to do it on my own financially. Sometimes I feel that the OM loves me b/c I a strong woman that is doing it on my own, which at times also makes me think is he with me b/c of what I have or b/c he truly loves me.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:10pm
Dear Destiny... it's been said here before, but you have to seperate money from love. If you really want to be with OM, then don't let money be the issue. That can be worked out. Second, your husband can't refuse you a divorce in the US. He can slow down the process, wreak havoc with a custody issue, hide assets so you have to fight like the devil, but he can't REFUSE to let you have a divorce. All he can hold up is the settlement issue. To even suggest that, after saying you have to choose between Him and your family, is a form of abuse in my opinion. Any good lawyer could help you get around the entire issue. As to children, you may want to talk to your GYN. Your eggs could be harvested now and implanted later. Unless there is an issue that would preclude that from happening, you may be able to use this as an alternative. However, please think about the whole issue with great care, particularly if money is already an issue. You certainly shouldn't even consider staying with someone you don't love just so he can be a baby machine for you. And lastly... take a clue from the OM. He's already choosing you over his mom. That's pretty compelling, don't you think? Sounds like you're wanting someone who will be there for you and support you. Which one is willing to do that. Oh -- and, I promise, this is the last bit of advise. Maybe you need a little space between relationships. There is nothing to say you have to jump from one R to another. Maybe think D now, while the A grows and matures, then take it a step at a time after that. We're here for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 3:48pm
Ok, now let me ask this! I come from a family of go getters...My H always liked to live high and mighty well I was always trying to save our money, avoid unneccessary bills and what not! At my age (26) I believe we have accomplish alot. Now that I'm thinking of getting a D he wants it all but I don't think it's fair b/c I was the one that sacificed myself to get where we are today! Anyways, with the OM he doesn't have nothing at all what so ever to offer me besides bills! Which I really don't mind, I'm willing to take on his bills & move on & make something for ourselves. The problem I have at times where the money issue comes into play is when I tell the OM that H wants to take everything from me, and the OM gets really upset and tells me I better not give him anything that it's all mine that I worked hard for it! The OM tells me not to spend money to save it so we could do something together but then there he is spending money himself sometimes to the point where he can't afford to pay his bills! That is where @ times I put money first before love b/c I feel what I have is important him, that he doesn't have to work hard for anything b/c I already have it....Maybe it's just me seeing it that way b/c I put so much into my M and now the H wants to take it all....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:08pm
First of all... depending on what State you're in, it's all community property (whether you worked for it or he worked for it or whatever). I'm sure you're not thinking in these terms, but if you divorce you could potentially be looking at paying alimony (if you're working and earning significantly more than H). Those are just possibles you will need to be aware of. Having said that... when I say don't let money come before love -- I think it is important for you to be on the same page when it comes to basic financial practices. You are anticipating a long term relationship and money (sadly enough) is one of the leading causes of friction in couples. If I were you I would examine my heart to determine when, exactly, I lost respect/love for my husband. If it had anything to do with the financial practices thing, you may be headed down the same road with OM. Better you know that now, right? And.. BTW... OM shouldn't have anything to say about your finances or the terms of your divorce. Again -- just my opinion. But in my mind your relationship with one is completely-totally-absolutely-seperate from the other. I know this sounds really stern and preachy, but I do a lot of volunteer work with women who have been battered (both emotionally and physically). I've seen what the results are in couples who can't seem to get together on these types of basic issues. But girl.. you sound like a strong and resourceful woman. Believe me, you can find your match (or make your match if you need to). I'm just saying get it all out on the table early.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 5:44pm
Hey Sister,

I'm from chicago, and ur right everything should be divided equally! I lost love/interest for H when he put me up against a wall and had me chose between him & my family! Money became an issue towards the end of our R, b/c he knew I wanted to leave so he would always tell me he didn't have money so I could spend mine! I spend my money wisely but I was never greedy with it either at least not with H b/c he's my H and it shouldn't be that way! Anyways with OM to me I do love him and I would love to share what I have with him, I for some reason I'm seeing what H is doing to me now and I guess I'm just putting up my guard with OM so I won't fall in the same position again if things don't work out with OM if we do end up together! Money has been a big issue for me lately, and I should stop doing that & just follow my heart and what's best for me and my son.....

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 6:01pm
Sweetie.. it doesn't hurt to be careful. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 6:48pm
I actually just discovered this board, but I do have a few words of advice for you.

Never, ever, ever, make any decisions based on emotion. You really need to set the emotional piece aside in this situation. If you are planning on divorcing your husband, make sure that you are going to have enough funds to live on for the near future...proceedings can tie up assets for quite a while. Talk to an attorney ASAP, they will be able to tell you exactly how to go about that in a manner that isn't going to put you on the wrong side of the judge in your case. Make sure you have documentation of ALL assets so that your spouse cannot hide anything.

Based on what you have posted, you have your doubts about OM. I would be extremely wary of getting involved any deeper than you already have. This is one area where I will tell you to trust your gut instinct. When in doubt, DON'T.

Fly solo for a while after your divorce, take the time to heal yourself and work on your own emotions and issues. Then you can think about what you are looking for in someone else. Once you have an affair, the tendency is then there to repeat that. It becomes easier to check out of a relationship emotionally and turn to someone else to fill those needs. You will repeat the pattern unless you fix what is within you first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 2:28am
i couldnt have said it better~

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