Been having an affair for the past year.
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Been having an affair for the past year.
| Mon, 02-09-2004 - 5:46pm |
Hello, everyone I new to this site so I'm hoping someone could help me understand what I'm doing & going with my life! I will be married for 5 years this May, my H and I recently separated X-mas day to be exact. I lost my father to cancer in November of 2002, my husband was never supported when it came to me visiting my father or helping out the family financial or just helping out the family in general. It got to the point where my H told me I had to chose between my father and him! I told my H if he wanted to leave he could, I guess he thought I was going to chose him, well I wasn't in my right stay of mind that day so I didn't pack up his stuff and kicked him out, I just told him to leave, but oblviously he didn't leave! To my family and friends my H was the best, wouldn't hurt a fly! Little did they know! I never told my family anything till now b/c that was just going to hurt my family knowing what position my H was putting me through. Anyways when my father passed away many people that I thought we're my friends we're not there for me more or less my H. So I started chatting to get my mind off things and I meet a guy! What I thought would just be someone to talk too, a shoulder to cry on when I needed it, has lead to a 14 mth affair! We talk every single day, at least 15 times a day, if we are not on the phone, we talking through email! He doesn't work far from me so we would do lunch every single day, and we would try to see each other at least once a week after work! It was pretty easy for me to get away b/c my H and I owe a restaurant so after his regular 9-5 job my H would go to the restaurant and I will just leave my son with the sitter a little while longer! The situation between my H just kept on getting worst and worst, there was no more communication between so finally I asked him to leave in July, which he did but he came back in October! In the meantime OM never said anything, he wants for us to get together but according to him, he wants me to really make sure that my H and I could no longer be. So the OM has never put pressure on me what so never to leave H! Now X-mas day out of the blue I never seen it coming, H says he is leaving due to the fact that I spend to much time at my mother's and helping her out! He claims I no longer know how to be a wife, I no longer clean and cook for him! For me it's pointless to cook b/c he is never home he is always at the restaurant! Anyways, He wants to come back home and I refuse. The truth I'm not in love with H anymore, he hurt me really bad and OM has been there for me more then H! OM wants us to get together but I don't see myself filing for a divorce anytime soon! No one till this day knows about us and I feel I want to come out in the open already...according to the OM it doesn't matter to him which it does b/c his family just found out about me in the sense that he is dating a MW and he said that his mother was really upset, he told his mother I was separated and she said she didn't care I was still considered a MW till the day I get a divorce. He said he don't care what his mother has to say! Anyways, it all boils down too, that I want to have more kids and I want to have them soon b/c I've been having problems with my ovaries, I get cyst very often and they told me if I'm going to have kids start doing it now b/c it was going to be difficult for me to do so later! So here I am I don't know what to do! I was to have kids with the OM but does that mean if I do file for a divorce later now...do I risk losing everything? The only reason I won't file for a divorce is b/c I know for a fact my H won't give it to me! So I rather wait! I'm 27 years old, my son is 3, I still want to have 2 more kids, the OM has 1 child of his own age 4! Does anyone have any suggestions, sorry for writing to much!

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Im sorry to hear about ur loss....
You sound like a strong woman.
Be strong and smart. I would sit down and talk to H first.
If there is no future for you w/ him..pls dont have any more
kids.
You will not be happy. They will not be happy.
Find someone that will listen, be there for you, and
respect u.
OM sounds like he really likes u...and doesnt pressure u.
And furthermore...pls take care of u !!
TOW2002
Well your husband may contest the D I don't think he can really stop it, many stats are are no fault so the A may not even enter into it legaly speaking.
I suggest talking to a lawyer to find out solid factson the subject.
FREE
I'm from chicago, and ur right everything should be divided equally! I lost love/interest for H when he put me up against a wall and had me chose between him & my family! Money became an issue towards the end of our R, b/c he knew I wanted to leave so he would always tell me he didn't have money so I could spend mine! I spend my money wisely but I was never greedy with it either at least not with H b/c he's my H and it shouldn't be that way! Anyways with OM to me I do love him and I would love to share what I have with him, I for some reason I'm seeing what H is doing to me now and I guess I'm just putting up my guard with OM so I won't fall in the same position again if things don't work out with OM if we do end up together! Money has been a big issue for me lately, and I should stop doing that & just follow my heart and what's best for me and my son.....
Thanks
Never, ever, ever, make any decisions based on emotion. You really need to set the emotional piece aside in this situation. If you are planning on divorcing your husband, make sure that you are going to have enough funds to live on for the near future...proceedings can tie up assets for quite a while. Talk to an attorney ASAP, they will be able to tell you exactly how to go about that in a manner that isn't going to put you on the wrong side of the judge in your case. Make sure you have documentation of ALL assets so that your spouse cannot hide anything.
Based on what you have posted, you have your doubts about OM. I would be extremely wary of getting involved any deeper than you already have. This is one area where I will tell you to trust your gut instinct. When in doubt, DON'T.
Fly solo for a while after your divorce, take the time to heal yourself and work on your own emotions and issues. Then you can think about what you are looking for in someone else. Once you have an affair, the tendency is then there to repeat that. It becomes easier to check out of a relationship emotionally and turn to someone else to fill those needs. You will repeat the pattern unless you fix what is within you first.
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