been MIA so an update on AP and divorced life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
been MIA so an update on AP and divorced life...
8
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 8:25pm

Hi everyone! Not a fan of the new board, plus working a lot, but thought I'd give an update seeing as I'm now going through the divorce process and wanted to let others going through the same know that I feel for you all and hope everyone is doing well! So basically just moved out from emotionally, verbally, financially (apparently i learned that 'financial' abuse does exist/there's a name for it) abusive husband with hardly any money to my name, not even enough for an official divorce. My STBX hasn't been easy to deal with, and even though being 'lonely' in a strange town sucks, I always felt like crap around him where at least there is hope things will get better one day. It sucks being dead broke, to the point where I can't even afford the court papers, just can't wait til things are official.

Things are still so messed up with my AP....he e-mails about every 2 weeks, and that's it, I want more, but I'm not going to push it. He's still living with his gf (yuk) and that's not going to change until May or June, but he said he is going to apply to these super competitive job in the states instead of leaving the country with her in the summer. Though my concern is that these are special competitive post-grad jobs, and he hasn't discussed his "Plan B", b/c the chances of him getting one are very low. Have not seen him since May, but he said he 'might' visit later this month but I doubt it. I have strong feelings from him, but I'm bracing myself to expect nothing to come of it anymore, which sucks b/c I miss him, and since he only e-mails every 2 weeks, I never know if his most recent e-mail will be his last. He's obviously got issues, whether not wanting to hurt his gf/have her find out, or is still messed up/undecided, or maybe wants to dump me but doesn't have the balls...etc. etc. At least I'm proud of myself for getting rid of one emotionally unhealthy relationship....just trying to take one day at a time, but my AP constantly keeps me guessing, and after nearly 10 months of being together, and me ultimately being the 'stronger' one by leaving my H, I'm tempted to 'dump' him in a month or two if he keeps acting this way, would hate to think that he doesn't want to be with me as bad as I want to be with him. Applying to those jobs is a good sign, but he never talks about what will happen if he doesn't get one, which is likely.

But a final thought...an earlier post about us all being 'liars' in an affair was interesting to me, b/c it's true. My AP doesn't know just how abusive my H was....and I don't know if I should write him an e-mail and tell him. I always talked to my AP vaguely about my plans to leave my husband/move out, b/c I am ashamed to tell him I am flat broke, that my husband is unstable, etc. etc and I'm sure there were points when my AP thought *I* was stringing him along, so I'm trying see things from my AP's perspective too, but now that I've officially left, I think my AP sees I was as honest as I could be and that I always would leave, it was just a matter of time and money. Just wonder what I should do as far as telling AP about how abusive my H was....I was hoping if we meet in person, maybe it would be better to tell him then, but it doesn't look as if he's actually making an effort to visit anytime soon. Anyway, just thinking out loud I guess, and wanted to give people an update since I haven't posted in a while. Hope you all are well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2012

 "--------I'm sure there were points when my AP thought *I* was stringing him along, so I'm trying see things from my AP's perspective too,------"

After reading your previous posts , I  think  the person you were stringing along was your H  , not AP , right from the day you started your affair . I still doubt that your H has any idea that you you have been sleeping with another man . Does he ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012

interesting point. in spite of all the crap my husband put me through, i still feel bad about starting the affair before the divorce. my marriage was bad/screwed up before the affair even began, but that doesn't justify it. i think your point is interesting in that it just shows how little i felt for my husband by being consistently more concerned about my AP's feelings than my husband's feelings. now that the divorce is underway, i hate the fact that i'm the 'other woman' even more. my husband does not know about the affair, because i believe that if you divorce during an affair, you have to divorce for yourself/other reasons, so that is what i've told my husband. he has asked if there's someone else, and i've said no, b/c it's going to distract from the real reason i divorced, which is that i just cannot see myself spending any more years with my husband, who is so different than me/has anger issues, etc. etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 3:55pm

Everyone of us here who has an A chooses to keep it confidential.

Is it your assertion that all the posters here are "stringing along" their spouses?

Are you currently in an A and keeping it a secret from your spouse?

If not, I think there are other boards that you need to be posting at, NOT here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
I think you really need to examine your choices in men. You were strong enough to end a bad M. Take this time to find out why you think you don't deserve any more than being the OW. You now have the opportunity to invite a decent, honest man into your life. Why settle for someone who is a liar and cheater.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012

you have a good point, and that's what i've been struggling with. now that i've ended a marriage that made me more unhappy than happy, i'm starting to realize my AP causes me more grief than happiness only b/c I am confused about his feelings. I do find myself making A LOT of excuses for him...well, he has his own issues to deal with, and maybe he just wants to give me space during my divorce, etc. etc. but after 10 months of an affair and several years of knowing each other, it's driving me nuts that we can't have the 'talk'. I don't want to scare him/move too fast, but I also feel like I need to know soon whether or not we will ever have a 'real' relationship. But yeah, I know I deserve to have someone who can talk to me every day, who doesn't keep me guessing, etc. etc. but it's hard when I have such strong feelings for AP. In a few months when I'm not so busy with work, I've been thinking about trying some casual dating just to help with my confidence/see what's out there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

This is a little off topic, but since I'm a divorce lawyer, I always think of this stuff--do you have a lawyer?  I know you said that you can't even afford the divorce fee, so I don't know if you could consult free legal services--or get a consultation w/ a lawyer, which shouldn't cost that much for 1/2 hour or so.  If your DH has money you shouldn't be dead broke--have you been married long enough to qualify for alimony?  If not, you should be able to get a property distribution, or your DH could be ordered to give you money for legal fees.  But you won't know unless you ask someone.

Your situation also reminded me suddenly of a friend of mine.  She was married for quite a while, had 2 kids--her DH wasn't abusive, in fact they are still friends.  Anyway, around the end of the marriage, or maybe even before she got divorced, she started an affair w/ this guy who was on the other side of the country.  Since she met him through her DH, all of it was hush-hush.  This guy is a martial arts expert who travels around the country giving classes--so he'd ask her to meet him at various places.  To my mind, he basically treated her like one step above a hooker--she would fly somewhere at her own expense (even though he had money & was getting a free business trip), pay for a hotel room--he'd be w/ the people who hired him all day, would eat dinner w/ them and then basically he'd meet her late at night for sex.  Even after the divorce, he wouldn't be seen in public with her because he had various excuses--he wasn't married, but was living w/ a woman when they met.  He ended up marrying someone else & having a baby, then divorced her.  He still calls my friend occasionally but she's not interested any more, but she was pretty upset when she found out he finally left his live in GF only to marry someone else.

so then after that she started an affair w/ a married man she had been friends with for years.  He never said he'd leave his DW but she hoped that when the youngest kid went off to college, he would--well that came & went.  She knows the wife too (family friends) and knows they don't get along--always fighting, so why he'd choose to stay married to the DW he obviously doesn't love?  Well who knows why people do what they do--but my friend wasted a lot of years on this guy.

So I'm thinking that instead of dating regular available people after she got divorced, instead she spent maybe the last 15 yrs going in & out of relationsnhips w/ these 2 unavailable men & going through a lot of heartbreak and because she was in love w/ both of them, even if an available man came along, she proably wouldnd't have noticed--so now we're 55 and believe me, the older you get, the harder it is to find decent guys who are interested.  So I see that you finally got the courage to get out of the bad marriage, but now you don't even know if your AP is even interested.  Frankly he's not married, so even though he would have to break it off w/ his GF, at least he wouldn't have to go through a bunch of legal stuff.  I think you should give yourself a deadline in your mind (maybe until he finds out if he got one of those jobs) and say that's it--either he is with you all the way or not.  don't spend a lot of years making excuses and waiting for him to make a decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012

*musiclover* thank you for very much for the response, it's very helpful and eye-opening in many ways. first of all, my husband has been very uncooperative in the divorce. being somewhat emotionally abusive, he sends me texts that say "you secretly love me and want to come back, otherwise you wouldn't respond to me at all" and also says things like "Well, if you do want a divorce, i will not do anything that will make your life easier." and said he would sue me if i sold my wedding bands, which i've had appraised and aren't worth very much (just a few hundred bucks). i have gone to free attorney consultations, but cannot afford the cost of a full-fee attorney, so i have been doing internet research on low-cost attorneys in my area. just the court papers alone in my state are nearly $400. i definitely need to find a low-cost attorney, b/c i think my dh should be ordered for legal fees b/c his income is nearly double mine. Because he refuses to cooperate in the divorce, I had to move out, leaving the furniture, etc. etc. and I don't really want to 'fight' him for it, I found a furnished place and it's not worth the aggravation.

I do have a 'deadline' for my AP...it's around April or so when he hears back from these selective jobs. The next  step would be to discuss his Plan B....he finishes school in May and these are post grad jobs that are very, very, selective (thousands for applications for just a few positions) so once he hears back from these jobs in April/May, if he doesn't commit to me, then I know it's over. On one hand, 5-6 more months is a long time to me, b/c I'd love to be with someone more emotionally available, but I wouldn't rule out dating other people casually during that 5-6 month period, but working 2 jobs has killed my dating life. I want a family, kids, etc. and I'm not ruling out dating during the interim, it's just hard b/c of my schedule and I also don't want to rush into casual dating with other people before the legal issues are more finalized.  so yeah, it's going to be a crazy few months, but hoping to get some closure in various areas later this spring. i do appreciate the advice and stories, the stories about your friends are a wake-up call that if i don't start involving myself with more emotionally available men, my life could continue to be a mess. I will say that STBX has fine-tuned my radar to be aware of unkind/controlling men, for example i get a sense of more urgent discomfort around men displaying these tendencies than i used to, making it easier to asses/look out for certain behaviors that previously i might have overlooked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Very appropriate response. Clearly this woman's lover is not interested.