Been a while

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2013
Been a while
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 5:17am

I havent been here in a long time.  Im still in my affair.  August this year will make it three years and one heck of an emotional rollercoaster ride.  

I've been doing better with not flipping out on him as much when I think he's pulling away.  I still have a hard time understanding why we cant talk 25/7.  I told him I wanted it like it was in the beginning the other day and i think he misunderstood me.  I miss the calls and texts flirting with each other.  Even 50 feet away from each other and i havent really saw him/talked to him since Thursday.  To me, as a woman I assume he doesnt want to see me etc because he hasnt been out like he used to be and all.  I keep forgetting we have our own lives to live.

I did have a few talks with him the past month or two involving our emotions and such. Not sure if it has helped or not.  We talked about it he freaked out thinkkng i was becoming too emotional.  It was never intended for us to 1) have these emotikns and 2) to leave our spouses.  I explained to him that i care for him very deeply and i have nwver and would never want him to leave his wife for me.  Just as im not going to leave my husband for him.  

If i had thw ability to get into his head....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Sun, 01-26-2014 - 2:12pm

Hello Shouldntbethishard:

I hadn't been on these boards for a long time until yesterday, but I'm back too.  Back in the A as well.  I think I know where you are right now.  I too am grappling with similar issues with my AP.  We were together for 2 years initially and we saw each other every day.  Took trips together.  Talked 25/7, as you put it.  When you're with someone that much and (as I would imagine) experiencing so much intimacy, one or both is bound to have feelings for the other.  It’s the law of gravity.  In my case, we masked the feelings and never really expressed the true depth until many years later, when he contacted me again.  But I felt connected and close to him the whole time and never doubted his interest in me. 

My guess is that unless your AP is a brain-dead robot (which I suspect he is very much NOT), has feelings for you too.  For him, he either:

a)   a) doesn't fully acknowledge or realize them even to himself as a defense mechanism (I did that to myself for a long time until we broke it off and it was “safe” to acknowledge them to myself)

b)  ab)  he's afraid expressing them would lead you into unchartered territory (such as suggesting you leave your spouses for one another) and that isn’t what he wants

ccc) he's safraid that once it’s “out there” and if something were to happen to the relationship, he would be devastated to lose you

I’m back with my AP for the third time in 12 years.  To me, this A is not worth the risk, heartache, and energy required if there isn't a deep connection again.  Perhaps if we hadn't felt and expressed it outwardly at one time, I wouldn't need it now, but once it's there, it's tough to go back to "friends with benefits."  

We have both giving each other somewhat mixed messages since reconnecting in the last month or so.  I’m terrified of being hurt again, which is why I'm pulling away.  I’m also afraid of getting caught in the place of wanting to love him but having to pretend I don’t and always feeling frustrated and restrained. I have been contemplating breaking it off altogether for that reason.

The truth is, unless you have intentions of eventually making this a RL relationship, you will have to share the A with your outside lives and you’ll have to subvert your emotions to some degree.  Unchecked emotions lead to either a) heartbreak and / or b) getting caught (and thus, more heartbreak).

All that being said, this is a relationship like any other (well, not like ANY other, but you understand) that requires effort, attention, and energy on both parts.  If this was how someone acted toward you in a "normal" RL relationship, how would you react?  Would you stay in it?  I ask myself that many times.  Then I remember all the trouble I’m going through to have this particular relationship and I think the bar needs to be even higher to want to keep it going.

I hope sharing in the vein of “you’re not alone” is helpful even if I didn’t offer any substantive advice.  Good luck.  Let us know how things go . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 2:45pm
Hi Shouldntbethishard, I think the fact that you both live next door to each other and are married can be a bit too close for comfort for him. You already know he has no intentions of leaving his wife or trying to do anything further to risk his marriage so when you come across as needy & clingy he falls back. Its a natural reaction for him because he doesnt want you to want or expect more than what he's willing to give. He's enjoying what you both have and isn't trying to further complicate it with deep emotions. For some, things will not always be the way they were when you 1st started. Remember in the beginning, he's trying to conquer and have you, after that he enjoys it for what it is. Not nothing more, not nothing less.