From beginning to affair...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
From beginning to affair...
10
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 7:21pm

I came across this board a few weeks ago and found it quite insightful. I am in my late 20's and not in an affair, or married for that matter. I read the stories of the women (and men) who suddenly find themselves in a world they never expected. I think it's great that there's a forum where people can come together for that extra support they may not find through others.

My purpose for posting is to better understand what happens that brings us here. How do we go from happy engagement/honey moon period to having an affair? If you knew then what you know now, would you have done things differently? Do we marry too young to know who we really are or what we need in this life? Or is it as simple as people change and relationships change?

I know that this is a sensitive topic and I don't want anyone to feel as though I'm passing judgment. Someday I hope to be married and I want to hear from those who have been there, who have that insight & wisdom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-25-2008 - 8:17pm
Thank you for not being judgemental. I got pregnant at a very young age, then married. Now married for 25 years. The marriage has always been a marriage of covenience.I care for my husband, . I would never want to see any harm come to him, or hurt him. For the last 2 years I've worked hard on keeping my affair a secret. If he where to find out, he would be devestated. We live seperate lives, barely talk, and rarely sleep together, we do have duty sex. Honestly I don't want him around me, I feel crowded. With my ap and I, the affair was suppose to be a fling. Good sex, lunches, and small talk. That's what it was for the first year. Slowly our friendship grew. I remember back in march, the last day of the month, the reason why I remember that day was because this was out character for my ap. Ap started to talk about his marriage, problems in it. That was a year after our affair started. From then on in the affair turned very emotional, and even more so now. Its personal, emotional, he's my best friend. I trust him with just about everything. I go to him for almost all of my problems. I love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 3:00am

Hi and welcome. I'm not sure why you want to know. This is a support board for people who actually find themselves in A's. There are as many reasons people find themselves in A's as there are people.

My suggestion based on my own experience and that of several of my IRL friends, plus having gotten to know many of the women (and men) on this board, along with reading many, many posts here is that in many (generalising here - so not all) cases, is that there is some kind of communication breakdown within the primary relationship. Many of the folks posting on this board never expected to find themselves in an A.

Pisces


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pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 7:29am
i have to ditto what pices said. i never looked for my affair. also at times the feelings with an affair can be wonderful. you can feel on top of the world, and nothing can touch you. then at times the pain can be unbearable. there are so many very strong emotions and many times feelings of loneliness. there are many times i wish my AP never came into my life. now that he has, i take one day at a time and accept the relationship as it is. this is the life of an affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 3:22pm

I am no longer in an affair, though I was for about 2 years. I, too, NEVER thought I would find myself in an affair. It went against everything I believed in. I had seen other people I know fall into that trap, and their stories were all the same, and I didn't want to be in that position for myself or to hurt someone else.

I became a target for an affair after about 8 years of marriage. My husband was a very difficult man, and our relationship became increasingly distant and dysfunctional. Our sex life had never been exactly stellar and became practically non-existant. This was not because I was not a willing participant. I tried everything I could to better it, but it was to no avail. Nothing worked, and he refused to ever talk about it. What a sad and lonely place to be! I became increasingly depressed and my self-esteem plummeted. I felt completely worthless and unattractive, and I'm actually not. I am actually very attractive, in fact was a Miss ____ in the Miss USA pageant. But I felt ugly and undesireable and unwanted. I am also someone who has a very healthy sex drive, and to be denied sex was extremely frustrating for me.

It wasn't just because of sex, though. My husband was an extremely controlling person. He controlled everything. He was also very emotionally distant. Everything was about him, all of the time. He was also quite successful and worked a great deal. When he wasn't at work, he was at home, parked in front of the TV, in a completely different part of the house. He had no interest in anything I did or in spending time with me, unless that time was spent doing what he wanted at all times. We watched the programs he wanted to watch, listened to the music he wanted to listen to, socialized with the people he wanted to socialize with. He had no interest in my friends, my programs, my music. We couldn't even go to a movie together unless it was one he chose. If we did go to one I chose, he would ridicule it for days afterwards. I felt so invisible. And let me tell you, though I may be a physically attractive person, this does not mean that I am by any means an idiot with frivilous, stupid interests. Hey, I'm a woman and cannot even stand shopping, getting nails done, etc. I have a relatively high IQ, am interested in a lot of things and most people find me quite funny and fun to be around.

On top of all of this, he was also unfaithful to me and an alcoholic. It wasn't until a few years into the marriage that I discovered his affinity for ladies of the evening, so to speak. I realized then that he probably had that Madonna/Whore thing. I believe he has real issues, but he would absolutely not address any of them. I tried to get him to go to counseling and to address the problems, but he never would. I guess it was much easier to just deny them and get trashed. Which he did. A lot. And often, he would become verbally abusive and just nuts. He was definitely a man of two different personas. The one he showed the world....handsome, successful, a go-getter...and the one he had at home...drunk, dysfunctional, lazy, etc.

So now you're probably wondering why I didn't just leave. I, too, have wondered that many times. I guess the best answer I can give is that I did love him. I did want it to work. I did want the fairytale. I also will not deny that I was accustomed to living a certain type of life. We had a beautiful home, trips around the world. My physical life was comfortable. I was afraid to give it all up because I had grown so used to it. And I still had hope. So much hope he would suddenly wake up and see the light.

Along came my xAP. He was a friend at first, and had some of the same issues with his wife. What started out as a relationship of mutual support became physical. At no time did I entertain the thought that he and I would run off together. But I did get something from it. He made me feel desirable and wanted, and the sex was great. But I did feel very guilty and tried to end it several times. Eventually, my husband found out and that was the beginning of the end of my marriage. He put me through hell because of it, and though I know I did something very wrong, I still, four years after getting divorced and three after ending the affair, feel that had he been a bigger man, able to see HIS part in all of it, we maybe could have survived it. I mean, afterall, he had not been faithful to me. Had he at ANY time made an attempt to repair things, I would have kicked the affair to the curb in a heartbeat.

So...after all of this...I guess the best way to explain it all to you is to say that for me, an affair was something I resorted to for comfort, support and to feel better about myself. But I don't see it as a good thing at all. I wish I had not had one. But I accept that I did, and I definitely learned from it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 4:20pm

I settled when I married my H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 7:08pm
I also never thought I would cheat. I love my H. I question whether I am still "in love" after only 4 yrs of M and 1 child. My A started when I had ridiculous chemistry with a guy who works for my company in a different state. We met at a work meeting. He got my #, to text, gripe, etc. It started innocently enough. Strangely, I am the one who initiated the "how old were you when you lost your virginity" and other sexcapades talk. Mutual attraction was admitted. I was also the one to admit I'd like to get physical first. Then it happened at the next work meeting. I kind of thought it would fizzle but so far, it hasn't and there are plans for more. The physical aspect is AMAZING. My H and I have always had a good sex life, but AP is the best lover I've ever had. I am struggling right now kind of dealing with the whole thing because my H is not a bad man- not at all. He's actually pretty amazing and I don't deserve him. But I (and this is just me- not pointed at anyone else on here) I am a selfish person and I saw someone I wanted too and got him. I know it won't go anywhere but I'm fine with how it is. It is what it is, and that's ok with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2007
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 7:27pm

welcome....I think, most of us here never went on dating website looking for an affair, it is often against our desire and plans, often being close friends, and after having drinks.....One thing leads to another and you find yourself in between two men....


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 7:50pm

I would say everyone's A is unique to their situation. No matter how against an A a person can be, there will be a vulnerable time and if you're not diligent enough in sticking to the straight and narrow, you'll fall on the wayside like us. I'm glad you're here and asking though. At least you're arming yourself of the knowledge of how terrible a choice this is to make and also understand how it has the potential to hurt sooo many people including yourself.

Check out other boards here too like the BSS (Betrayed Spouse Support), EAS (Ending an Affair Support), AS (All sides), etc... to give you ideas of how an A affect people.

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2008
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 9:29pm

Rightround, I wish there had been forums like this when I was your age (I'm in my mid-50's).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Wed, 11-26-2008 - 9:54pm

I still can't believe I'm really having an affair, and I find a million ways to rationalize the idea (of it being an affair) away. Like, we haven't technically sealed the deal with sexual intercourse, so it's not "really" an affair. Or, we were friends before, and now we're still "just friends". I have been over it a million times in my mind and I'm still not sure if I could admit that it's an affair. I still feel like I'm just thinking about having one.


But it is an affair. The thing in my situation is that my AP is very good friends with my H, and also a very good friend of mine, so he is in my life whether we are having an A or not. We see a lot of eachother when we're in the

 

 

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