Being around H

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Being around H
18
Thu, 07-08-2010 - 9:11pm
Is it normal that I don't really want to be around him much? I don't want to fix my marriage at this point, I just want to maintain the status quo and hang in there until my kids are older. DH seems fine with the way things are although he would be happy with more intimacy from me-we haven't been intimate in 4 years-long before this potential A even existed. I guess I am focused on this A right now and don't have feelings for H other than a roommate. I read others' post about how they are forcing themselves to spend more time with their H-I just find I don't want to-I'd rather be at work with MM nearby...is this the A fog that you all have mentioned?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 8:13am

A lot of people draw away from their spouses when they're having an A. Emotions and all get tied up with the AP leaving little for the spouse.

But it seems like you're pretty distant from your H already. No intimacy for 4 years?? That would be a guaranteed divorce for me - I guess it would be pretty easy for me to get a divorce really, all I'd have to do is withhold intimacy. I think he'd probably leave in about a year, but the last 9 months of that year he'd be grumpy, mean and awful to be near so it would be awfully hard to handle LOL. OR he'd find an AP, maybe.

Anyway I'm one of the few around here who likes my H and my marriage and doesn't mind being near him, etc. But your feelings are pretty normal!

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You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 10:31am

Hi jersey girl,


I don't mind being around my H but I will admit since I've started my A that I've withdrawn from him quit a bit. I don't look for him for sex like I use to because I'm so focused on my AP. I get distant with H sometimes and when emotions get the best of me I do the same to AP. So you and your H haven't been intimate in 4 years? I can't imagine that happened with my H, either he would leave the marriage or have an A of his own. Have you ever wondered if your H has someone? Would it even matter at this point?


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 11:11am

Hi Purplerayne,

I know H doesn't have anyone else. Not being intimate didn't bother me so much before because we were busy with having kids (youngest is 4yrs). We were just too tired and accepted it for what it was. We have recently talked about our M and specifically that topic and when I asked him if it bothered him, he said no, he just accepted it. He wished it was different, but felt we had intimacy in other ways-not clear on what those ways are myself. He is very child focused and somewhere along the way I feel he forgot about me and the kids just filled up his life, we have 4. The physical stuff was never that great between us to begin with -he is very traditional and I am not, but I felt when we married that he was a good person to be with because life would be predictable and he is a good man/person. After almost 11 yrs, I am just bored and I need more-it sounds so selfish. I spoke to him about my feelings and he doesn't want to go to counseling. He doesn't understand how my feelings have changed and how I cannot be attracted to him anymore. I could go on and on...Right now we are just roommates and for the sake of the kids sticking together and running the household and taking care of them. I know in his heart he hopes I will come back to him. At this point, I am not interested in putting a lot of energy into my M (probably all of it is going to this potential A). I don't want a D because I don't want to tear my family apart for the kids' sake. We don't fight or argue in front of them. Yes, I think the no intimacy for 4 yrs is what is driving me with this A-why there is so much temptation. Unfortunately, I don't have those feelings for my H anymore. What a mess! Ugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 11:54am

I have to agree with lexi: no sex at our house over an extended period of time would guarantee a divorce.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 12:38pm

I'm sure your very busy with 4 kids, work, holding down a household. We get so consumed with the routine of every day life that we do forget about our spouses and the things that drew us together in the first place. It's great to know that you told him how you feel so at least now he knows where you stand and can't ever say that you never told him. After so many years of not giving each other that attention I can see how someone can drift and not be interested anymore. There have been times that I've slept with H and thought of AP (horrible I know) but it was the only way I was able to get off. I've done that just a few times and I know that's a problem.


Its so hard when children are in a marriage, it makes leaving that much more complicated. I'm glad that H is a wonderful person and has qualities that you do like and appreciate. I wish you all the best !

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


<

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 12:51pm

Lexi...I also don't mind being around H :) A question for you, though: How have you dealt w/ guilt (if you have it...through therapy I learned it's quite normal for women in A's NOT to suffer from it) over the long haul?


In the very beginning of my A when I was in that heady OMG-I'm-falling-head-over-heels...felt like a COMPLETE MONSTER re: H b/c I felt no guilt whatsoever. Sought therapy mostly for that reason...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 1:19pm

I hear ya Jersey (btw..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 1:19pm

OMG - you keep saying things that reflect what I feel - this - "what AP and I share is just separate in my mind and has nothing to do w/ H..." - and I know how ridiculous that sounds to anyone who is lurking and has never been in an A (or is on the other side of one). I know that one reason I seek A's is for the separate relationship. WHY does it seem that just one romantic relationship isn't enough for me? I do think part of it is the "preventing true intimacy" thing. It seems that with 2 R's, neither one is as intimate as just one would be - intimacy being total bonding, total honesty, totally just the two of us against the world kind of thing, sharing all our secrets. I NEVER allow anyone to have the "total picture". The "total picture" of me, I feel, is only for ME to know.

And that was longer than I thought it would be LOL. I do get guilty feelings occasionally, especially when I realize what my H would go through if he knew the "real me", so to speak. Or if he gives me a mushy card about how I'm his soul mate. Things like that make me totally disgusted with myself. But for the most part I think I bury the guilt. And then I wonder how my soul will answer to his soul when we're in the afterlife and there are NO MORE secrets. I get a little scared there too, and only hope that our souls, in a "higher consciousness" are beyond human emotions and are more "higher being" in nature.

Wow this is getting way too new-agey LOL - sorry!

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:02pm
so for
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:19pm

I told you we think a lot alike, Lexi :)


Not too new-agey...I love a good conversation with all points of view...it's INCREDIBLY interesting :)

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