Being around H
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Being around H
| Thu, 07-08-2010 - 9:11pm |
Is it normal that I don't really want to be around him much? I don't want to fix my marriage at this point, I just want to maintain the status quo and hang in there until my kids are older. DH seems fine with the way things are although he would be happy with more intimacy from me-we haven't been intimate in 4 years-long before this potential A even existed. I guess I am focused on this A right now and don't have feelings for H other than a roommate. I read others' post about how they are forcing themselves to spend more time with their H-I just find I don't want to-I'd rather be at work with MM nearby...is this the A fog that you all have mentioned?

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I will have to say that i agree with Lexi and with you, hiskimber. I have learned through my A (first time for me) that I can separate the two "lives" I lead. I think it was you, hiskimber, that said
something about your religious upbringing - I had
the same. My dad was involved in church
work. Everything was black and white and I was not
the "rebellious teenager". I met my DH when I was 15 and he was 14. So, you could say we grew up together and were best friends. Never thought outside of the box, so to speak. Never dated anyone else, either. So, this A has been a pacifier to my curiosity as well as a full-blown addiction. I never drank or smoked, so i can say
in all honesty that AP's love "is my drug". But it is fake all at the same time. My fantasy. Not my real life. My H is not cruel to me, he is shy and sometimes romantically challenged,
but a very good man who loves me very much. If I think about the A too much, I cringe at the thought of a D-Day because I know it would crush him. I never want to hurt my DH, so what the hell am I doing having an A? The one very good thing about my A is that he never, ever tells me I am beautiful, or that he loves me, or that he wants me to leave my H. I am really not even sure why he is in this A...boredom because he is S? But then, this past Wed., he told me he was having a female friend come
over to see his new apt. And he asked me if that was okay!! I told him "you don't need my
permission to have someone over to your apt." He thinks I am jealous. Funny
thing, sometimes I do have jealousy pangs. But for what? Some man who
has never declared his love to me and even went so
far as to say he wasn't attracted to me? WTF? I know I am loved by DH - why
am I so addicted to what AP gives me in bed? Things that make you go "hmmmm..."
I just am so thankful I have this message board to "check in" to my addiction support group and to
also see that I am not going insane and there are other MW out there like me.
(P.S. Lexi... I also find myself wondering about the after-life and the soul reconciliation thing. But I can't
think too hard about that.)
Jersey-Yes I felt the same way you do.
And lack of guilt means lack of empathy .
I have to disagree that lack of guilt = lack of empathy. Through therapy and a LOT of reading I came across a recurrent theme from the female side of an A (I realize you are male): Some will call it "justification", but if a female forms an emotional bond, she's able to "square" her actions b/c she feels what she at least perceives as love...thus removing guilt that would ordinarily surface in an emotionally healthy individual. It's somewhat of a defense mechanism.
Now, in other circumstances, IDK...serial killers maybe... I can absolutely see lack of guilt = lack of empathy... And I also realize that in some minds those in A's are equivalent to serial killers and others who perpetrate heinous acts...
I don't think that feeling about what you and Kimber share with AP being completely separate to H is freaky or ridiculous.
Psychology of why women typically don't feel guilt in A's...roll back a few posts and see what I said to Bestplayer...
And what I found VERY interesting was that it doesn't work that way for males..thus the reason, I'm sure, why we see so much of the male guilt getting in the way. They seem to feel that even if they do "love" OW...they need to be strong enough to reject it...
OOOOoooooo!! ....
anotherseyes
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