Being 'played' with ??? Pls Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Being 'played' with ??? Pls Help
7
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 5:49pm
Today my girlfriend who knows of my situation but does not know my MM told me she has a feeling he probably has cheated before. Also thinks he's playing me. I am so hurt. I never even imagined this scenario. MM just does not come across that way. ( ok, at age 40 am I still THAT naive?) THEN, in the next breath tells me she thinks that this time it is different for him. That he is getting emotionally involved with me. Again, another inkling she has. If he was not, we would have consumated this relationship by now as it would be just sex. But since we have not, and since we talk about work, kids,life etc, she says we are building a relationship; thus, this time it's different. (yea right, leopards do not change their spots.) So once again I am on a roller coaster and am closing myself up. If we have email exchange tomorrow, I refuse to be the nice, sweet gal. I will be cordial and polite but no way in hell will I sit and let him play me like a fool for another day. Like I said- it hurts. I hope she is wrong.

Please help. I love her dearly but she is newly engaged (at age 37) and is flying high. I am very happy for her, but think you guys are probably more in-tune with all of this.

I am in tears....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:13pm


Hi V:

(((HUGS)))

It sounds to me like you're putting an awful lot of credence in your friend's feelings, without giving your MM a minute to answer.

Yes, a lot of MM have multiple affairs, leopards don't change their spots and you can be fooled at forty.

But once in a while, you find someone who truly cares and whether you keep it a friendship or you take it all the way to the altar, that person deserves at least a small benefit of the doubt.

You know the man better than your friend does. What does your heart tell you? And don't think I'm not saying to be wise. Be _wise_. But there could be a lot of reasons that your friend is saying those things to you, as well, so be wise in all of your relationships.

Just my 2 cents worth. Good luck and keep us posted.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:25pm
Hi vles! :)

I have to agree wth cazrida on this one. You know MM better than your friend does. Does she have any "inside information" that leads her to believe he is just playing with you? It is also possible that she is trying to watch out for you and doesn't want to see you hurt. I would pay close attention to MM in light of this new information and listen to your inner voice. I think you will know whether this is real or not. Best of luck!

:)

Circe
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:25pm
Ive been here.. hang on. About 9 mos into my affair, (it has been ongoing for 4 1/2 years) I told someone i thought was my "best friend". She had heard the problems in my marriage, knew my husband, i thought she would understand. She flipped! Told me I was totally wrong.. that no man leaves his wife when he can have great sex on the side, told me i was stupid for giving into my "needs" and ridiculous for jeopardizing a "stable" marriage. She told me he was of course a player, I should never trust him..etc etc.

My MM has never once given me reason to believe he is "playing" with me. He sees me whenever possible, has introduced me to his kids, we have vacationed with his brother and his wife. He is there for me when no one else has been.

Trust your instints, you know your MM better than your friend does. Take her comments and look objectively if you can.. be careful, but trust what you know. By the way, that friend of mine is no longer a friend, she refuses to see me if i am still cheating. Some friend.. we were in each others wedding, known her since high school..but she is incapable of understanding my need for this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:48pm
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART IS EXCELLENT ADVICE! I get insecure sometimes and ask my mm if he has another girlfriend . He tells me he doesn't have time to keep me happy, what would he do with another one? Boy is he right there! I would not worry about what if's. I think you will know that something isn't right before your friend. We all know our MM better than anyone else in the world! That is what it is all about! the ultimate sharing of truth and love without judgement. unconditional love!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:45pm
OMG what a fiend, with friends like her who needs enemies. Trouble I am so sorry for you too. Your mm's friend turned out be a betrayer. Sad thing about these people is that they never realize what goes around will come around. They are and will be paying for their own actions - karma, baby...


Edited 3/28/2004 8:48 pm ET ET by funnyface03
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:29pm
Hon, take it easy. You have no idea if he has cheated before and neither does your girlfriend (who, if I am not mistaken, doesn't even know him) yet you get upset over it as if it were a proven fact. Relax, don't overanalyze this to death, let things flow naturally. If anything is to happen between you and this man it will happen in its due time.

I understand that you are not looking for just a fling. You are more than ready for the emotional connection. Yes, it's true that sometimes emotional connections develop rather quickly, almost instantly. But that's rare. He is simply not there yet. I don't think he is playing you - if he were he would have had sex with you first chance he got and wouldn't even think twice about it. It is quite possible that he is not sure what it is he wants to happen between you and him. And I bet you anything he is a bit lost as to what it is you want, too. The signals that you've been sending him are so mixed, hon, that this whole situation, no doubt, is confusing the hell out of him.

And please, try to control your emotions even though it's easier said than done. It hasn't even started yet and you are already a nervous wreck. Just imagine what you will be like when it does start.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:30pm
God love you Bos. Why is it that you can get me back on track! I am still trying to slow down and admit that I have given mixed signals myself. It is my self-defense mechanism. I become rather distant and clam up. Anyhow- I am still taking it slow and have kicked myself all day for thinking about my friend's comment. She does NOT know him at all. My heart tells me he is a good person that has potentially found himself in a nice, yet confusing situation. We'll see what happens going forward. I am asking him to meet me for a drink after work this Thursday for an hour as that is all either one of us will have. I believe you, I think if he were a total jerk, we would have done the deed and he'd be gone.

I need to keep my head (and heart) straight on all of this. Thanks again- you're more than awesome!!!