BIG DILEMMA HELP!!! PLZ

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
BIG DILEMMA HELP!!! PLZ
2
Sat, 11-01-2003 - 2:50pm
TO make a long story short have been with Om for three years and have left my H for him, we made three promises to each other, one, to trust each other, two, that we will get where we want to be one day and three, to constantly commuicaTe our feelings, wishes deisres, and we have . We were both married when we first met, friendship, turned into best friends, lovers,, after three years I speak to him ( he lives in another province) every morning and every night, emails all day long and on weekends could be two calls a day, could be 10...In all the three years together we have never fought, there have been occasions where he went away on vacations with his W and three kids and things got hairy, but when him and I are together life does not matter, we get along better than most people do on a whole and whole, soul mates people call us, I just look at him in awe...You have to understand we are both not young ones, I am 43 was married 21 yrs and him he is 45 and is still married 23 years, he came down last weekend after not seeing each other for 4 months, he came with his collegues and friends, we managed for me to stay with him and to be a point places in time....His collegue never questioned him after the weekend , never mentioned me being there at all except that is was nice to met me and next time he was in town he give me a call to say hello, we had a great weekend, after he left, I got down ,always do when he leaves, a little piece of my heart breaks. Him and I have had more than our share of ups and downs, we both have tried to separte, to leave each other on more than three occasions, and each time the pain of lose , the dread , the emptiness was to much to bear on both of us, we simply start from square one all over again, time and time again, just can not let him go, he is so much a part of my life day in and day out..He has met my three kids, my mother, my family, when he comes here he is my life, my love,,things when he left last weekend sort of got me down and then just when I started to see the light again, the hope, BAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! his W whom he has always sworn that they do not commincate and now know after three years realise they do not and have not for a very very long time, calls him at work and tells him she has ovarian cancer....... Well when he told me I simply said yuu know whaat I think I will exit stage right, she will need you , your kids will need you, and tried through all my tears and YES his to to say a nice goodbye...Well cried all night about that decision.....Why should I give up my hopes, my dreams my love for this, am not being a bitch and please understand that I do not have mean bone in my body...But why should we give up everything that means the world to us because she may be sick, why do I have to hurt, why do I have to lose, why does he have to hurt?????? think I have convinced him of his place in all of this and he feels it does not matter what happens to him,, he feels like an outsider in his own house, well what did he expect,, gggeezz!!!!!!!!!!! weither I was there or not would she have not told him, from what I know I do not think so..............I love this man, have made him my world, have made plans and was promised a life with him,,, I do not want to hurt and yet I feel sorry for her, but I did not cause this nor did he..............am so confused.........and am so horribly miserable without him,, no easy solution,,,,am trying so hard to hang on,, but know he is saying that he needs for me to get on with my life,, after three years,, throw me to the wolves,, so I say, you all right with some other man trying to take your place,, he breaks down in tears and says NO!! that would kill him,,,,,,,what the hell do I do??????????????????????????????????????????????????? fate how it can throw its fiery!

Guidance or big round of cocktails needed!

LADYINGWAITING40

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 10:18am
Ladyinwaiting40~

Here is that BIG round of cocktails my dear . That is horrible ,and no one is a winner in this situation. I think after your OM starts to deal with the situation his wife is in and finds that he needs you more than ever you will hear from him. Cancer is a long sickness and it takes it toll on everyone involved, your OM will need a place to rest his weary body in the comfort of your arms...just hold your head high and be ready for him. I know your pain is strong and your hurting, just know that he probably said alot of stuff in the heat of the moment when the shock of this was all too much to think straight. I hope you can find a way to go on in the meantime and not be so sad. Let him know your there for him, you are his friend after all and that is what a friend would do, be there....tell him to let you be there for him.

Hugs,and drink up !

Wishing~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 3:53pm
Hi lady

You are doing what so many of us women do (and we shouldn't) -- sacraficing your own happiness to make life easier for someone else. I don't mean to sound harsh or insensitive regarding his wife's illness, but you mught not have to back off completely. He may need you now. It will be hard, but just tell him you would like to be there for him. I think he'll need you given your history together. You two have shared something that has nothing to do with his life at home; he may need the 'escape' of your relationship now more than ever. Just be supportive.

I'm so sorry. Hang in there -- you are facing what so many of us fear. It's a harsh reality that at any given moment things can change -- especially in an A.

Take care and let us know how you are.

Charlotte