Big vent! advice please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Big vent! advice please.
8
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 11:48am
Hi Everyone,
Well quick backround. I am away on extended vacation. Met single guy who came onto me, seemed really nice, like I finally found guy who was REAL and tells how it is, no games, no dishonesty. We chat online. he comes over twice. We only kiss although he says he'd like more. I tell him how I feel, that I am attracted and the scoop on my marriage and that I dont just jump into bed with anyone. We have a great time talking/flirting while he was here. Two nights ago, he was here. He walked in kisses me on the cheek, gives big hug. When he leaves we kiss several nice kisses. I ask if he is off next day and he tells me he is fishing but not working. I ask if he wanted to get together/hang out as he knows H comes in today (this would have been yesterday we would have hung out).He says ok. I hear nothing. No email, no IM, he doesn't even sign on. Nothing again today. I wrote him last night asking how his day was and such and told him if he gets home by a certain time to call if he wants to come over. Nothing. I obviously feel like he is avoiding me all of a sudden and have no idea why. It is really bothering me! He seemed fine when he left. What could have happened between then and now? He was online plenty before this. I almost feel like he is blocking me on Im although my emails go through. I am more upset that he couldn't at least communicate to me whats up. I thought he was different. he seemed the type to say exactly how he feels. I want to email him one last time to tell him I feel bad that I could have offended him or something and that I wish he could have had some consideration and told me what the problem is.Is that too much to ask? He's 33, he isn't young. Anyone have any idea or advice? I know you dont know the guy but I never put pressure on him or made him feel uncomfortable and he seemed fine with coming over. He was the one who came onto me! Could he all of a sudden decide he doesn't want to see or even talk to me? What really upsets me most is the not knowing. Im not involved with him enough to be upset at him changing his mind. It's the inconsideration and probably the feeling of being ditched that hurts when he cannot even have the balls to tell me. It just sucks that he cannot just be adult here and tell me. I hate the not knowing and I don't believe he's too busy. He works nights mostly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:40pm

I think you *do* know.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:43pm

I think one of two things, either he is having second thoughts or he met someone else and moved on because he knew your H was going to be arriving.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 12:55pm
I don't believe he met someone else in a day but maybe he is having second thoughts. Why come on to me so strong then and tell me before he came over he didnt think he could keep his hands off me? I told him he had to (the first time, never discussed it second time). And why can't guys just say so. So damn immature and its hurtful. I already have issues of abandonment. So, I just let it go then? It would be bad to write one more time to say Id at least like to know why (but in a friendly way?)
Thanks for advice, very much appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 1:21pm

You've already written him...what...twice with no response?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 1:42pm
Thank you clarity for your wise advice. I think this is something Ive dealt with for many many years. I've even wondered if I could be a love addict although I didn't cheat on my husband till he did it to me, although day dreamed since second grade about boys for long periods of time. Whenb my husband cheated I didn't find out about all of them till his 3rd one (supposedly). He had one with a 16 year old when he wa sin his upper 20's, he had one with a married woman who got pregnant and didnt know whose it was so he brought her to get an abortion then ditched her because she wanted him to leave me (found all this out afterwards). If you met him you'd never know or suspect as he is a well respected business man. I felt hurt but never "felt" any feelings, if that makes sense. Every man I've ever had in my life has let me down and hurt me, including my father (by ignoring the fact my mom was nuts and emotionally and verbally abusive and never did anything about it, in fact left to avoid it but allowed us to deal with it). I was molested in an elevator when I was 12 but honestly can't tell you I ever felt I suffered any side affects. He didn't rape me or touch me except under my skirt and he had his thing hanging out telling me to blow him. Weird I didn't ever feel it affected me one iota. Never had bad dreams, never even felt I gave it a second though which I guess is odd in itself isn't it? I cannot tell you how many counselors I have been to and NOT one has ever said anything about my mother's influence on my life today, except to say it affects us from an early age. None have tried to delve deeply into why I am like I am or tried to help me. They just say you have to move on because the resentment holds me back and look more into my marriage. I wish I could be totally honest with my husband and explain how I feel but I know he'd be upset that I feel the need to seek outside love from other men. He has caught me several times but has never left me because of what he did to me. When we have gone to counseling, I could never tell my true feelings because my husband was always there and, selfish and unfeeling and leave me. Every time I seek out men, it just makes things worse. I hate feeling this need to have love and attention.
Thank you for sharing and giving me good advice. I really do appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 04-23-2009 - 9:32pm

Thank you and you're welcome :)


Did your therapist ever delve into the relationship you had with your father?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2009
Fri, 04-24-2009 - 11:18am
Thank you clarity. i never ever thought my relationship with my dad had anything to do with it! Always thought it was my mother! You are correct, Im sick of searching for something unhealthy knowing Im only going to get hurt EVERYTIME. The guy did me a favor really.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Sat, 04-25-2009 - 12:34am

Hi, no real advice for your situation but I hope you won't mind if I pass on