In a bind

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
In a bind
8
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 1:55am

Hey all-

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
In reply to: missgreenwood
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 7:25am
I think what you should do is get on with your OWN life, and leave him to deal with his own problems. I think you should stop trying to take on his problems. Tell him to get a storage unit. And do not accept any more of his belongings. Listening to him vent is one thing, but getting involved in his problems is not doing YOU any good is it? Sounds like it is weighing you down. I'd give him his stuff back, and tell him when he figures out his life, you may or may not still be around, and to look you up. And yelling at YOU for his problems?? thats what therapists are for...unless you have decided to become his personal whipping post for his outbursts about his life. He obviously has no respect for your space, or your feelings. HE needs to deal with his pain and you cant do it for him. He sounds as if he thinks its ok to blame everyone else for his problems. If he is unemployed why doesnt he help out more around his own house and help his wife out with cleaning? Maybe that would give him less to complain about at home if he actually contributed. I too have a LAZY husband, and he was told long ago i'm not a maid, and if he wants to have a cleaner house i need help.( i'm partially disabled) I also hold down a full time sous/pastry chef job...somedays i can barely walk when i get home....... otherwise, forget it. I'm not gonna kill myself over something so trivial.
And what kind of example is he setting for his child about marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
In reply to: missgreenwood
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 10:52am

"What do I do?"

Wow. You're really nice. Too nice. You are being stomped on.
I don't think the problems are the guitar or wardrobe.
They're just "logistical" issues. He has serious problems.
He needs to grow up and you need to let him. Stop enabling (I really hate that overused term) his behavior.

You're being waaaaaay too understanding.

But just one more thing....you said "from what he tells me". Ya know, that's all we really know....what they tell us. There are always two sides to the situation. Honestly, if he was my H and away from the home/family seven days a week from noon to 11pm....I might let the dog "visit" his bed once in a while too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: missgreenwood
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 1:00pm
This guy is ,IMO, using you.Take control,dolly! and let him sort out his own life and ask him to come when he is in a better place in life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
In reply to: missgreenwood
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 4:30pm

I think he's getting comfortable enough with you that his annoying side is showing through. Refusing to even put a dish in the sink or get his own juice shows some problems. His wife probably went through years of feeling like a maid/waitress and then just gave up. Does he really sound like someone that keeps two rooms clean for himself?

He's expecting you to feed him, even though you have little money, and doesn't contribute to the buying of the food? Does he ever take you out to eat or do something to show appreciation for what you give him?

It seems like you've become a haven for him - a place to bring his valuables, a place to get fed, a place to relax - without giving you much of anything in return. He even uses you as a therapist somewhat, venting to you about things you can do nothing about. Decide if this is the kind of relationship you want. Even if he were single, I would be questioning this relationship if I were you.

But it's your decision as to what you can accept and what you can't/won't.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
In reply to: missgreenwood
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 11:12pm

Hello to you both.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2008
In reply to: missgreenwood
Fri, 05-08-2009 - 11:37pm

Good for you, MissGreen!
You sound very strong right now.
Hope it continues.
You really deserve the respect.

Best wishes to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
In reply to: missgreenwood
Sat, 05-09-2009 - 11:11am

Thank you-


Oh and also I want to say I found a few more posts- not all of them and want to make sure everyone knows I read what they said to and appreciate the support.


I am very strong now- it's amazing what a little support will do- it's why I come here :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: missgreenwood
Sat, 05-09-2009 - 4:42pm

Interesting that the same things he complains about going on at home he practices in YOUR home...messing things, etc. I think you are 100% DEAD ON with your requests. He eats your food, takes up your living space in a studio, for crying out loud! It is not unreasonable to not only request but expect that he would contribute. The fact that he doesn't, won't and then turns around and treats you the way you just described tells me this guy is a fairly self-centered individual. It doesn't sound like he's a whole lot concerned about your feelings in all of this. And no offense, but it sounds to me like though you tell him how you feel, you don't back anything up with any action, therefore allowing him to basically walk all over you in this regard. Why is that? Going a step further, why have you spent the last 5 years in a relationship like this?

If it were me, I would not request that he take his things out of there and contribute, I would demand it. I would take his things and have them all ready for him to take home, and tell him that if he doesn't do it within a certain time frame, you'll take them yourself and drop them off in his yard. Look, it may be your love den with him, but it's YOUR house. He has no right to use it as a storage facility for his things. And if he refuses to help out in purchasing food and such then don't let him eat any of it. I sure wouldn't. He's being a freeloader. If he is so uncomfortable and so unhappy in his own home then he should get out of it. Especially since he's been basically living with you, in a sense, for the last 5 years. How does he manage to be away from his home and wife for the hours that you describe, anyway? Doesn't he work? Where does he say he's going?

I don't know, it's your life, but he doesn't sound like such a prize to me. You're not in a "bind", he is. Put his stuff out. And if I were you, I would seriously SERIOUSLY consider putting him out with it. What are you getting out of all of this? Sounds to me like what you're getting out of it is missed opportunities to have something real. But that's just me.