Birthday surprise

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Birthday surprise
7
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:22pm
MM had to sneak my birthday gift to me. It was a little figurine with a tiny card that says "For those who love and are loved." Nice little message, since we've been avoiding saying the "L" word for so long, but just insinuating it. It was weird...I guess I wasn't sure what he'd do about my birthday. His bday came less than two months into this and I bought him a little business card holder for his desk. I should have figured he'd do something, but you never know with men. I'm truly touched that he went through the trouble of sneaking out to buy something, then sneaking around to get it wrapped and to me. Oh...and he gave me a humorous card, but didn't sign his name to it. I don't know what I'll do if someone picks the card up and ask who it's from. Or if they ask where I got my figurine. What do you all tell people who ask? The sweetest thing was that he called me this morning, first thing, and sang "Happy Birthday" to me. Made my day. I told him as the day was starting not to make me sad today. (He knows that means to do his best not to get called away where I can't see him all day!) I've been TERRIFIED that's how today is going to go, and I don't want to be sad on my birthday, of all days. Of course, ironically, the best gift ANYONE could have given me for my birthday is a kiss from him, but I know that's not going to happen. We're not back there yet after the last time we kissed and he felt so guilty he pushed me away. Still, I can dream!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 3:33pm
OM and I never give each other anything but time and love. That's just the way it is. Our spouses know each other and come into our office from time to time, and who knows when something like that might come back to haunt us. I'll pass on the gifts if it means I get to keep *him*.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 4:06pm
I would pass on the gift too, although I have to admit it is nice to have a little something to remind me of him. Could have been anything, I didn't care. A gum wrapper would have been fine! I used to have an employee who gave me gifts all the time -- teddy bear, jewelry, etc., so nobody really thinks much of it. No one's asked him about his business card holder, but it blends with everything else on his desk. He has some hand lotion on his desk that matches the hand lotion I use that sits on my desk and I'm stunned no one has noticed. I bought it for him after I noticed he kept using mine when he came to visit. He puts it right out there where everyone can see. His W comes by his office all the time too, and apparently she hasn't asked about it. She's not the jealous type (although obviously she SHOULD be!) To be honest with you, the gift means much less to me than just SEEING him today. It's 25 minutes before quitting time and I still haven't seen him except for the 5 minutes when he brought my gift down. Yesterday he got tied up with work at this time of day and I never got to see him, so I'm terrified something's going to come up again. I just want to have one decent conversation with him on my birthday. Is that too much to ask? Probably! I guess I set myself up for disappointment by setting my expectations so high. Okay, 23 minutes now... I guess time will tell. :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 4:33pm
Here's an unsolicited piece of advice: keep your expectations realistic. That doesn't mean low.

Until I knew my OM would do anything, ANYTHING for me - which took over a year - I basically always expected that work and family would come before me. And they still usually do (as they should - they do for me), but he makes a greater effort now, and I expect more now. There are things he omitted doing a year ago (such as finding a reason to talk to me every day he's on vacation) that some months later he was able to find ways to do. But his effort to find ways to see me and be with me grew along with the intensity of his feelings for me. That was reasonable to expect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 5:12pm
Happy Birthday Lilah! Hope you had a wonderful day! Looks like you had a wonderful day with MM, especially with mm singing happy birthday. What else could a girl ask for, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:55am
He found a way to talk to me every day he was on vacation...that was about 6 weeks after our "flirtation" started. But things seem to be going in the opposite direction from what you mentioned. He doesn't seem to be making as much of an effort. Given, we're not physical, so maybe if we got to the point where we made love, it would change, but I certainly don't want to take it to that step unless I'm sure this downslide isn't going to continue. If I need to prepare by letting my feelings for him die away, IC certainly wouldn't do it! He used to call every morning, first thing, and we'd talk for 15-20 minutes. Now he manages to be away from his desk first thing, then calls sometime around 10:30 to talk for just a few minutes. The only difference is the fact that people are gossiping about us and he feels the need to put up appearances, but it still just feels like less of an overall effort. Shouldn't we be talking MORE as our feelings deepen, rather than less?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 12:03pm
Lilah, you already know the answer to that last question.

My OM will find any way he reasonably can to see me and talk to me. He calls me first thing in the morning so we can talk on our cell phones on the way to work, and he calls me on the way home as well. We set up private email accounts so we could email each other safely (our email is not monitored at work - I know this for a fact). These things happened within the first few months. We'd see each other outside of work a couple of times a week at first, but for over a year, it's been every possible opportunity - the only reason we don't see each other both before and after work is if there are prior commitments, such as meetings or family events, or if he's traveling.

Yes, in a good relationship, these things build. If your OM, in a moment of weakness, wants to go all the way, it sounds like you can count on him bouncing backwards just as fast - maybe even resenting *you* for "making" him do it. Please be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 3:14pm
So what does it mean when they go in the other direction? He pulled me into this, so is he just stringing me along? I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused and uncertain. I didn't ask for this; I was just minding my own business when he decided I was the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen and started coming after me. Then two months in, people started gossiping and he pulled back. So is all this guilt motivating his hot/cold behavior just a line he's feeding me? Is it at least a little possible that fear is making him behave this way? Being here has really shown me that there are a lot of EMAs that are much healthier than mine. Am I being used? If so, for WHAT? What does he want from me? Is it just about his ego and all the talk about his feelings are just that, talk? And WHY am I so addicted to him? I live for the two times a day I can talk to him and once they're here, I dread their ending. I don't think that's about love as much as it is that I've grown dependent on the attention he gives me. I feel like we need to have some sort of talk, but I don't know WHICH talk it is.