Blew it BIG TIME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Blew it BIG TIME!!!
12
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 8:29am
I've been SO good since returning from the holidays. My New Year's resolution was not to do anything to make this situation worse and it's been a peaceful couple of weeks. MM was more attentive than ever. He kept giving me these really meaningful looks... I held on and held on but yesterday I just lost it. He came by my office and I wasn't here so he left a note. I kept seeing yesterday he was getting kinda anxious... He was upset that I'd been too busy to come see him and when I ran into him in the hallway, he just kept looking at me and telling me how nice I looked. So when I got back to my desk, I called him. The conversation started out okay but he wasn't paying attention and when I asked why, he said he was reading. I said, "I'll give you something to read." He got a little intrigued by that and said, "Really? Like what?" I reminded him I'm in a cubicle now surrounded by people and can't talk freely and he said, "You can whisper." So I did... He told me that he still thinks about me all the time, but he feels guilty telling me that. He feels guilty telling me he wants me, what he wants to do to me, etc. So all the conversations we used to have are out the window, I guess. I asked if he minded if I told him those things and he said no, but he feels bad because he wants to reciprocate but can't because it makes him feel too bad. I asked him why he feels guilty now about doing things he used to be able to do freely and he said he didn't know. Do you guys know why that would be? Is it just that we've gotten in so deep now that he knows what we're talking about could likely happen if we keep this up? He SPECIFICALLY said that he knows if we keep feeding this even by talking about it that we'll keep going until it's too late to turn back. Anyway, I was fine until I hung up and then it hit me what I'd done. I'd ruined three weeks of progress...or did I? Maybe I felt instinctively like it was time for something like that. Maybe we both need a little refresher every now and then. So my QUESTION is...what now? Should I just back off for a while and let him take in what I said? Should I act like nothing's wrong and just continue being friendly but not flirtatious? Or should I continue to flirt? I just don't know. The thing is, I enjoy turning him on. I know it's evil to say and it doesn't make me sound very nice, but there it is. There are few things I like more than knowing I've gotten him all riled up... But at the beginning of our conversation I could tell he was annoyed with his wife and I sensed a fight brewing anyway, so I have a feeling things may not have gone well last night. Usually when things get intense with me, they end up having a "rough night," as he calls it, and I'm 99% convinced it's because he gets all distant and jerky and she doesn't just sit there and take it. When they have a rough night, he pushes me away. At first I thought that was strange, but then he told me that several times he's been pretty sure she was about to leave him and take their daughter... Sorry this is so long and rambling, but I just don't know what to do. I'm starting my work day and I have a meeting this morning that would have taken me away from being able to see him anyway. I figure maybe I should just give him at least today and know he'll be thinking about what I said yesterday anyway. Maybe in a way *I* need a day or two away from him and I'm just looking for excuses. I just don't want to end up sleeping with him and when I get to this point, it really scares me because I feel really, really weak.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 10:44am

hey lilah -- honey, listen you are taking a break from all MM's drama and guilt.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 11:29am
Lilah, you were doing so well w/o him. Why do you want to go back to the confused state of anticipation and dissapointment once again???? I agree with gurl - keep away from him and you will be free of his games.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 3:53pm
Okay, I think I'm back on track. Taking your advice, after my meeting I stopped by his office. It was around the time I usually visit so I wanted to act as though all was normal. During the course of our conversation I asked if he was mad at me for yesterday and he said no, and I said he should be. He just shrugged. I didn't come out and say it wouldn't happen again, but I made it clear I was very unhappy with my slip. Later in the conversation I was talking about one of my New Years resolutions, which was to get back on track with my writing, and how I didn't want to be 50 years old and not have done anything with my life. I said, "In fact, all my New Years resolutions were geared toward getting my life back on the right track." Since he knows he was one of those resolutions he made an annoyed face. He told me I was beautiful at one point in the conversation and he kept looking me up and down. I looked down and said, "What?" He just smacked his hand and when I asked why he pointed to me and his head to indicate he was having an improper thought. So it's as if he's trying to let me know in a roundabout way he's thinking about me and is attracted to me without coming out and saying it. I'm telling you, guys, I REALLY slipped up yesterday. I told him I think about him all the time, I even dream about him. I told him I imagine it's him when I'm with my H. I told him how much I want him every time I see him -- that I'm drawn to him. And then today I just went 100% in the other direction. Back as I was two or three weeks ago. He HAD to have noticed. I think in the end the effect is going to be that I've given him a whole lot of something to think about and, I may eat my words in a day or two, but it seems like I really didn't damage anything at all. Do you guys think it's possible to keep him at this point, where he's being sweet but we're not intense??? I can tell you, honestly, it's such a relief. Last night I just felt horrible about what I'd done. I felt so dirty and wrong and TERRIFIED. When things are calm like this, this whole thing seems like nothing more than a crush. Also...in response to your other comment -- I tried not pursuing him and it doesn't work with him. If I don't pursue, he doesn't really pursue. It's when I'm seeing him every day and acting like he has no effect on me that he starts to pursue. But there's only so long you can keep that up... Every now and then I think I'm just going to have a breakdown. Kinda like with a diet, where you just HAVE to have chocolate every so often. I think I needed yesterday, crazy though it sounds...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:09pm

lilah -- and boy, do we LOVE chocolate!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:41pm
Lilah, sweetie.....I e-mailed you.....did you receive it? If not, please let me know. We have MUCH in common and I just wanted to talk.

Thanks,

-CM

P.S. - I also posted this under a thread that I started & you replied to. Sorry for the duplication - I just wasn't sure if you'd see one or the other. Hope to hear back from you. I'm at the top of the coaster, ready to plunge.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 11:38am
Thanks, CM. I'll check my e-mail. And gurl, GREAT ADVICE. It's good to know I'm on the right track. The one thing I said to MM the other day that seemed to really get to him was I told him that I didn't want to be with him on the side. That when I'm finally with him I want to be 100% with him. He was quiet for several seconds, then said, "Wow." Before Christmas I told him the opposite. I was feeling really weak and just wanted to be with him and said that I thought we could handle just having sex on the side and staying with our spouses. It got him all worked up and ready to meet me, but then he said that's not what he wants. He wants to be with me when it's right to be with me, not when we're both married. He's back to giving me the intense looks now. REALLY intense looks. So intense I can feel them all the way through me. We were both helping my boss with something this morning and my boss was looking at something and right behind his back MM was staring at me as though he could just lift me up on the desk and take me right there. I'm SO glad I learned Tuesday not to tell him how I feel because if I hadn't, I'd be wanting to tell him today. Why is it when he's treating me like that I feel this compelling urge to give something back to him? But now I know all I can give him is an ego boost by telling him he looks nice and maybe some meaningful looks. Putting it into words just makes me feel really scared and icky!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 1:04pm

hey lilah -- "all the way through me" eh!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 4:04pm
You know, when things are going really well between us as they are right now, I just want to savor every minute. We haven't had a run like this since last summer, where every day is just great. But then, maybe part of it is that I'm working on his floor now and our paths seem to cross more often. I could live off the things that happened this morning for at least a day or two... Just remembering the way he looked at me. Is there anything more exciting than being in a room with other people and having a man give you a look no one else can see? Or maybe brush your arm meaningfully when no one else is looking? Oh...and here's something. I told him he had dust all over the front of his shirt and he said, right in front of my boss, "Well maybe you should wipe it off for me." My boss had his back turned and wasn't paying attention, so I reached up and brushed the dust off his chest. The entire time he was looking down at me with one of THOSE looks. You know, the same look he would have had on his face had he been naked and I'd been touching his chest with sexual intent. His chest was rock-hard from where he works out and I have to say, I felt rather overheated by the time I was done. He called a couple of hours later to ask if I was working hard and I said, "I'm trying to, but I'm distracted." He asked by what and I just said, "Oh, you know..." I hope that wasn't crossing the line, but I just keep wanting to give him something to think about. If keeping him at a distance prevents him from retreating into his cave (figuratively speaking), I will be the happiest person EVER! I have a distinct feeling he'll go into his cave no matter what I do, though. Seems every time he gets busy he just disappears emotionally for a while...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-22-2004 - 4:21pm

hey lilah -- i agree with your thought at the end -- MM will probably feel guilty no matter what happens and end up retreating to regroup.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 8:56am
Thanks, gurl! You're going to keep me on the right track, I have a feeling. :-) After our morning thing, MM disappeared for the rest of the day. I think he was sent somewhere on business and thought he'd get back in time... Anyway, if I see him today I'm going to try to back things off a little. I have to say, though, all the stuff yesterday was initiated by him. If I don't react to it, though, it's really going to drive him crazy which is what I want. He made the mistake of telling me once that when I'm being distant and unaffected by him, he chases more because it's more of a challenge. So distant, here I come!!!

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