Blew it BIG TIME!!!
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Blew it BIG TIME!!!
| Wed, 01-21-2004 - 8:29am |
I've been SO good since returning from the holidays. My New Year's resolution was not to do anything to make this situation worse and it's been a peaceful couple of weeks. MM was more attentive than ever. He kept giving me these really meaningful looks... I held on and held on but yesterday I just lost it. He came by my office and I wasn't here so he left a note. I kept seeing yesterday he was getting kinda anxious... He was upset that I'd been too busy to come see him and when I ran into him in the hallway, he just kept looking at me and telling me how nice I looked. So when I got back to my desk, I called him. The conversation started out okay but he wasn't paying attention and when I asked why, he said he was reading. I said, "I'll give you something to read." He got a little intrigued by that and said, "Really? Like what?" I reminded him I'm in a cubicle now surrounded by people and can't talk freely and he said, "You can whisper." So I did... He told me that he still thinks about me all the time, but he feels guilty telling me that. He feels guilty telling me he wants me, what he wants to do to me, etc. So all the conversations we used to have are out the window, I guess. I asked if he minded if I told him those things and he said no, but he feels bad because he wants to reciprocate but can't because it makes him feel too bad. I asked him why he feels guilty now about doing things he used to be able to do freely and he said he didn't know. Do you guys know why that would be? Is it just that we've gotten in so deep now that he knows what we're talking about could likely happen if we keep this up? He SPECIFICALLY said that he knows if we keep feeding this even by talking about it that we'll keep going until it's too late to turn back. Anyway, I was fine until I hung up and then it hit me what I'd done. I'd ruined three weeks of progress...or did I? Maybe I felt instinctively like it was time for something like that. Maybe we both need a little refresher every now and then. So my QUESTION is...what now? Should I just back off for a while and let him take in what I said? Should I act like nothing's wrong and just continue being friendly but not flirtatious? Or should I continue to flirt? I just don't know. The thing is, I enjoy turning him on. I know it's evil to say and it doesn't make me sound very nice, but there it is. There are few things I like more than knowing I've gotten him all riled up... But at the beginning of our conversation I could tell he was annoyed with his wife and I sensed a fight brewing anyway, so I have a feeling things may not have gone well last night. Usually when things get intense with me, they end up having a "rough night," as he calls it, and I'm 99% convinced it's because he gets all distant and jerky and she doesn't just sit there and take it. When they have a rough night, he pushes me away. At first I thought that was strange, but then he told me that several times he's been pretty sure she was about to leave him and take their daughter... Sorry this is so long and rambling, but I just don't know what to do. I'm starting my work day and I have a meeting this morning that would have taken me away from being able to see him anyway. I figure maybe I should just give him at least today and know he'll be thinking about what I said yesterday anyway. Maybe in a way *I* need a day or two away from him and I'm just looking for excuses. I just don't want to end up sleeping with him and when I get to this point, it really scares me because I feel really, really weak.

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hey lilah -- men are like dogs (in more ways than one!), they love to chase things.
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