Blew it BIG TIME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Blew it BIG TIME!!!
12
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 8:29am
I've been SO good since returning from the holidays. My New Year's resolution was not to do anything to make this situation worse and it's been a peaceful couple of weeks. MM was more attentive than ever. He kept giving me these really meaningful looks... I held on and held on but yesterday I just lost it. He came by my office and I wasn't here so he left a note. I kept seeing yesterday he was getting kinda anxious... He was upset that I'd been too busy to come see him and when I ran into him in the hallway, he just kept looking at me and telling me how nice I looked. So when I got back to my desk, I called him. The conversation started out okay but he wasn't paying attention and when I asked why, he said he was reading. I said, "I'll give you something to read." He got a little intrigued by that and said, "Really? Like what?" I reminded him I'm in a cubicle now surrounded by people and can't talk freely and he said, "You can whisper." So I did... He told me that he still thinks about me all the time, but he feels guilty telling me that. He feels guilty telling me he wants me, what he wants to do to me, etc. So all the conversations we used to have are out the window, I guess. I asked if he minded if I told him those things and he said no, but he feels bad because he wants to reciprocate but can't because it makes him feel too bad. I asked him why he feels guilty now about doing things he used to be able to do freely and he said he didn't know. Do you guys know why that would be? Is it just that we've gotten in so deep now that he knows what we're talking about could likely happen if we keep this up? He SPECIFICALLY said that he knows if we keep feeding this even by talking about it that we'll keep going until it's too late to turn back. Anyway, I was fine until I hung up and then it hit me what I'd done. I'd ruined three weeks of progress...or did I? Maybe I felt instinctively like it was time for something like that. Maybe we both need a little refresher every now and then. So my QUESTION is...what now? Should I just back off for a while and let him take in what I said? Should I act like nothing's wrong and just continue being friendly but not flirtatious? Or should I continue to flirt? I just don't know. The thing is, I enjoy turning him on. I know it's evil to say and it doesn't make me sound very nice, but there it is. There are few things I like more than knowing I've gotten him all riled up... But at the beginning of our conversation I could tell he was annoyed with his wife and I sensed a fight brewing anyway, so I have a feeling things may not have gone well last night. Usually when things get intense with me, they end up having a "rough night," as he calls it, and I'm 99% convinced it's because he gets all distant and jerky and she doesn't just sit there and take it. When they have a rough night, he pushes me away. At first I thought that was strange, but then he told me that several times he's been pretty sure she was about to leave him and take their daughter... Sorry this is so long and rambling, but I just don't know what to do. I'm starting my work day and I have a meeting this morning that would have taken me away from being able to see him anyway. I figure maybe I should just give him at least today and know he'll be thinking about what I said yesterday anyway. Maybe in a way *I* need a day or two away from him and I'm just looking for excuses. I just don't want to end up sleeping with him and when I get to this point, it really scares me because I feel really, really weak.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 10:09am

hey lilah -- men are like dogs (in more ways than one!), they love to chase things.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 01-23-2004 - 12:43pm
Hi Lilah, I've been keeping up with your posts. I just haven't posted anything lately. I've just been mostly reading. Just wanted you to know that I am still around. Nothing is going on with my OM and me. We manage to come to work every day and go through the motions. We speak, we smile, we talk about business issues. We are usually in a group of people when we talk. We had a meeeting the other day and I sat on the opposite side of the room from him. Here we are, talking business with the boss and the whole time I'm thinking, "Why can't OM and I be somewhere alone!" My OM is very good at hiding his emotions from other people. When the meeting was over and we were standing around talking, OM was standing next to me and I could feel my heart racing. I could feel his racing too. He was smiling and seemed like he really enjoyed being next to me. I know that he felt the intenseness as much as I did. Well, you can imagine how he acted the next day. He waved to me, but would not come near me. He found reasons to be out of the office all day. I guess he went into his "cave". I hate it when he does this, but I guess I am used to it. My OM's second marriage resulted from an affair also and then it ended in divorce, so he has been through this before(which makes him extra cautious). I understand why he keeps his distance from me, but it makes it very hard for me. We were intimate about 4 years ago, so this really makes it even harder to be around him. I know how much we would enjoy being together again, but I also know that it would make the situation harder. I love my OM and have no doubt about that. I love him even when things are down or he's in one of his moods. I love him for himself, good and bad. He and I haven't talked on a personal level in a while. We try to keep it all business. I just want to scream out to him THAT I LOVE HIM!!!!!!! The last time I told him that I loved him he always reciprocates that he loves me too. I always wonder what he is thinking and what is going through his mind. I hope that his love for me is still there. I know that he is trying to do the right thing by keeping his distance, especially since he has been through this before.

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