booty call in college now my A! WTH?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
booty call in college now my A! WTH?
3
Tue, 08-17-2010 - 10:23pm
about 15 yrs ago in college i had a brief flig with a guy on my floor. we were cool with each other and had an arrangement where we were in a friends with benefits/booty call thing. after we left the dorms we parted ways never to speak again....
fast forward to last year and thanks to social networking i find him and send him a message. he responds very warmly and is shocked that i looked him up. we start IM and emails. We catch up on each other's lives. Both of us are married. He has been unfaithful in past relationships and in his marriage. I have been unhappy and due to some personal reasons am staying with my H. I have had some flings in the past. But this old college guy has become very close to me. we never realy got to know each other 15 yrs ago and now that we are older, we have gotten to really know each other. surprisingly we have very similar sense of humor and outlooks on life. we have a lot in common. We both cant believe we never knew this before in college LOL
So we have met up a total of 5 times in the last yr. we try to meet up in his state or mine and we communicate daily via text.
i dont know how to deal with this. can affairs really be something genuine? i feel like he is someone worth pursuing. neither of us can leave our current marriages. this guy has awakened a passion inside me i cant explain it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 7:30am

Hi Miles, welcome to MAS!

Another case of evil social networking (was it Facebook LOL). I keep seeing that.

You ask if affairs can be something genuine. I think they can, although a whole school of thought says differently. It can be genuine but limited. You only know each other through texting, talking, e-mailing and occasional get togethers, so what you see of him (and vice-versa) is part fantasy (what you assume to be true in your head but isn't true) and part reality. If you were suddenly to end up, tomorrow, living together, you would find out the "real" him, you would discover the things about him that would irritate you, and the things you thought about him that would turn out to be NOT true. In a way all R's are like this in the beginning, but in a "normal" R, there are years of being together that let you see the "real" person in many situations. In an A we could go years and still have the half fantasy person, because we just don't see enough of each other in many situations.

Anyway all of that doesn't mean that it can't work for what it is - an affair. If both of you want this just in supplement to your marriage, if it fill whatever holes or voids there are inside of you, it could be a genuine relationship that works for what you want it for.

Keep us updated! Hope to see you posting around. :-)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 8:19am
True it was FB LOL i did know him from living in the dorms together our last year (we were in our early 20's) and now in our late 30's Our personalities are still the same. he still has a lot of the same personality traits that can be considered annoyeing and same for me. We know that part...funny how people really dont change much. we were always cool with each other but at the time he had different things going on with his life and so did I. we just didnt give each other the chance to get to know each other deeply. Then when we started having sex in college it became just sex. the time corresponding to each other with emails and IM was what helped us get to know each other on a different level. that also intensified the sexual aspect of our affair.
he says this is the best relationship he has ever had even though we are in an affair because i balance out his life. he even said if we lived closer he would be thrilled....in fact we were thinking of relocating and he has been hyping up the area he lives in. he also says he wished he had gotten a chance to really get to know me in college. he says he sees so many things in common and so many similarities (for teh better) in us that he has never had with any other woman. how weird that we went from what we had in college to something different.
all i did was look him up to be nosey...to see what he was up to after all these yrs but didnt think there was this whole side to him i didnt know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
Wed, 08-18-2010 - 9:28pm
to continue with my earlier post.....i guess in some ways i want more out of this affair. i have more feelings towards him that started after we were just corresponding for a few months (before the sex). the sex was the icing on teh cake. we both are unhappy in our marriages. i know there will be trust issues if we were ever together as a real life couple. but i have heard that some couples do work it out....i know i may just be wishing on a star.