Both Married and Having Affairs.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Both Married and Having Affairs.....
33
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 10:49pm

So, here's my story...........


I'm 32, married 7 years, 2 kids (3 and 1) and I have been having an affair with a married man (my H and I both work with him). He's 36, married 9 years, 1 kid (3yr) and baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 11:02am

And this enjoy your A (affair) to the fullest sounds so good and so freeing, but it would only be good advice if you were guaranteed to never get caught.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 1:18pm

"So I must come in with the voice of doom and gloom and say THINK AHEAD. Please think ahead to when your H wants to emotionally hurt you as bad as you have hurt him so he calls your parents and your sister to tell them of your infidelity."

Good thinking, Btrue. And here is one possible antidote to that sort of bitterness:

Always be considerate of your AP. Remember that he / she is doing you a favrror by engaging in a risky relationship with you. Sure, you may be doing the same for her / him, but that's beside the point; your AP is making it possible for you to have something that you might difficult to get elsewhere, and for that we should be grateful.

So, always be considerate, always be polite, always show respect, always show gratitude for the fact that you have her / him in your life, always show concern for her / his feelings... IOW, be the person who you would like someone to be for you. This is extremely difficult in marriage because the interdependencies run so deep and complex; it's easier in a less binding relationship.

So do it. It's cheap insurance against getting stabbed in the back, and it will enhance your experience mightily.

And you CAN do this without becoming a supplicating wuss. Practice -- and as Btrue says, THINK AHEAD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 2:01pm

Well you've certainly made a big splash on to the board, but your ideas feel a little off to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Mon, 10-06-2008 - 3:18pm
Do not pressure him into saying he loves you. And many people say it in the heat of the moment. What difference does it make if he says it or not? I think hearing it out loud would make things harder for you. And if he says it to you, will you later use it against him? If you REALLY want another child, make sure it's for the right reasons and do not let he other man influence what should be your H's and your decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 8:40pm

First let me apologize to shinesome. I am sorry for implying you were a lady. I am really new here and I guess I forgot that its not just women in these affairs looking for support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 10:43pm

to billslover2008,


To hear your story is like a blessing to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 5:56pm

Hey Billslover2008, welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 6:45pm

I have a long standing reputation around here (though I don't post much anymore) of telling it like it is. And the have fun advice made me cringe. A lot.

Honey, yes you are having fun NOW. Believe me when I tell you that five years ago, I was right where you are. 32 having an affair with my great love in my home. All was great. I was in love with a capital L. The only problem? Yep, we were both married. Went from saying we wouldn't leave to starting to "plan" a life together and then getting caught.

I am going to be unpopular and bring up the fact that Affair land is a place akin to Fantasy land. You feel like you are in a "real" relationship. You have never felt this way before...really ever. He loves you like no other. For the three hours every Wednesday and the 15-20 minutes some weekday mornings that you can be together. Do you know how many times I have heard the words "My AP says he has never been in love before and he made a mistake with his W." Countless, cause I have been around these parts for a good while now. Honey, your AP has a pregnant wife at home. How do you think she would feel if she knew? How would YOU feel if she knew?

Another famous line around here is any iteration of the staying for the family bit. You know the one because you have heard it yourself. It goes something like this: "I don't want to break up my family"; "I am staying married for the kids"; "I will leave when my youngest turns 18/goes to college/graduates college/gets married/has a baby..." Honey, please don't buy into this. Plenty of people with children (men too) get divorced everyday. The weekend dad thing, not always true, yes parenting relationships will change, but more and more (and in my own instance) fathers get 50/50 custody. He isn't going to leave his marriage because he doesn't want to.

I am not trying to rain on your parade or upset you. I am trying to be realistic. Yes, some affairs can last for a very long time, but when that happens, I believe both parties have a much more realistic view than the one I am seeing in this thread. Please don't let yourself get completely absorbed in the fog. From personal experience, it is a difficult thing to free yourself from.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 9:54pm

So just alittle update for all those that have read my story.......


My AP is in the hosptial right now (his W is going in for an induction, she was due early Nov) Anyway, he just emailed me to tell me he was busy all day getting last minute things ready around his house, but he is now at the hospital and was thinking of me and then left little symbols as kisses...(i.e..xxx)


Would you all think that his feelings must be pretty strong for me given his current circumstances? Meaning, that he is still finding a moment to email me even though he is at the hosptial with her

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2008
Tue, 10-14-2008 - 10:12am

My opinion... He's bored. My H told me once that the thing he hated most about when the kids were born was sitting waiting at the hospital. I email, text, play games on my cell phone whenever at the hospital for any reason- it's the most boring place on earth- no matter the outcome of the visit.