Both Married and Loving Others

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Both Married and Loving Others
81
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 2:57pm

OK . . . I should point out that I'm

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 2:06pm

Okay, this is the last time I am

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 2:29pm
(I hope you got my email the other week saying I was glad you were back)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 2:56pm
No, I didn't... Thank you, Btrue :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 3:08pm

Oh dang.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 4:16pm
If you felt so much you would be with her and end your marriage. The end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 5:14pm
Wow. I haven't been posting much lately, but couldn't resist putting my two cents in on this thread. I don't buy the kid argument one bit. People stay married because they want to stay married. As for your AP having a child with a man she
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 7:35pm

I'm sorry that you are feeling threatened by the posts you have gotten here, but they were responding to the things you wrote in your first post, which you've clarified in later ones. We practice tough love here and several posters are known for not sugar coating. I don't entirely agree with their style, but you asked for opinions and they are entitled to give them as they see fit. I know some can be quite brutal, but they don't say anything that shouldn't be said. I have had a few slaps upside the head in regard to my own posts here too.

I didn't say anything about you forcing your will on your AP, you did. What I said, if you care to reread my post is that I couldn't understand why she would choose to bring a child into the mix.

I understand your desire to stay for your kids. My AP wanted to do the same. But he is out of his house now. If he will return, I don't know and he didn't leave because of us. You say you are amicable with W. If she feels the same way, then it's not so bad. But consider if by your choice to stay in a loveless M if you are condemming her to misery too. As I said before, in one way you do your kids a favor by offering stability, but on the other hand, you don't teach them by example what a great relationship should look like. You are their role models for that and they primarily learn relationships from your M, good or bad. Our actions unfortunately never impact solely upon ourselves. All anyone has asked you to do is consider other points of view, other perspectives of the A you are in, based on how you wrote your story. Of course, there is so much we don't know, we can only respond to what and how you told us things.

I wish you luck.

Pisces


image


pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 7:13am

This is also my last post to you because it doesn't appear that anyone or anything is swaying your judgment in any way.


I'm not sure the specifics about the kids you have, but if you have a daughter -

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 1:33pm

Hi there fkam026 ...


I'm kinda late to this party but I have to say ... I'm a little disappointed in the responses you've gotten here on MAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 1:53pm

fkam026-

I am a little late on the bandwagon here, but I wanted to jump on and put in my two cents for what it's worth.

First, welcome to the board. I do hope that through some of the posts you've gotten in regards to your situation, you have found something helpful to you.

Honestly, I haven't read all of the responses because there were a lot to sift through. So I'm going from your original post.

I totally and completely understand the reasons that you and your AP got married to others. The "safety" for her, you being at a point in your life where, well, that's what you do.....get married, start a family, etc. I'll real quickly try and share my story with you.

AP and I met, fell in love. We were both married and similar to your situation, I got married for "safety", he got married not only for "safety", but because he figured that's what one is "supposed" to do at that age (he was 26 at the time), it was practical. I do not have kids, he has two. Once I realized that I was in love with AP, I knew that I could not stay in my M. Regardless of whether AP & I ended up together, I knew in my heart that it wasn't fair to my H or to me, to stay in an M knowing I could never have feelings for him like I did for AP. At this point, my AP is planning on leaving in the next couple of years, I will D my H. We'd like to be together.....whether or not we are together after all that remains to be seen.

I, like WIP, am a little concerned for your AP regarding bringing a child into this situation. I will tell you, being a child of divorced parents, we are resilient. My parents/step-parents are all friends, they remained friendly throughout the divorce, because as they said "they had a child to raise". Yet, in my own situation, I knew.....absolutely knew, that I could not bring a child into a M that I did not want. I made this decision a long time before I even started my A.

I totally understand your side and your reasons for staying. I can also understand her reasons. I can understand the reasoning behind the decision of staying in both M's and having your A. All of the feelings that you have described are feelings that automatically come with having an A.

I feel that the bigger part of this whole picture, is having strength, confidence and trust in yourself. It takes a heckuva lot of those three things to make the decision to leave a M or stay. The kids, financial reasons aside, those three things will either keep you in the situation you are in or get you out.

I hope that you are able to find some support on here. I for one, do not feel that I have wasted my breath in offering my support. Whether you take anything I have said to heart, if your choice. My willingness to lend my support and words was my choice.

Please continue to keep us updated on you situation. Take care.

Pages