Both married but happy with affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Both married but happy with affair?
14
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 8:54am

Just wondering if anyone else is in this situation. I have been in a relationship with a married man for approx. 10 years - We met at work and at the time I was single and quite young (about 20) I wanted him to leave his wife but he told me he wouldn't - over time I became ok with this and subsequently got married 3 years ago myself - we both have children.

We still see each other quite regularly and do love each other very much - and I was thinking tonight how I am now completely happy with our arrangement. I was comfortable with it before I got married (with maturity I guess) and love my husband very much but this other guy was my first 'real' love and I will always love him - however I now know we could never be together. I am totally ok with this and can not foresee any end to our relationship - I want to keep seeing him and vice versa - just wondering if anyone else is in a relationship with someone but quite happy for it to stay that way always??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Fri, 01-29-2010 - 10:21pm

Hi, this is my first time posting to this board, but I have been lurking for a couple of weeks. I am so, so grateful for finding this community...I have been in agony for the past month or so over the escalation of my A--just a minefield of mixed emotions.

Spike, our situations sound very similar, though I have not been in mine nearly as long as you have been in yours; I have only been "involved" with my AP for about 1 year. I have been married a year and a half (though in a relationship with my husband for 6 years)and AP has been with his wife for around 12 years.

I cannot say that I am as secure and satisfied with our relationship as you seem to be, but all in all, the way it is now is the way I want it to be. I have no illusions about him leaving his wife, or us being together exclusively someday. I fantasize about it, but that is all. I recognize that part of the allure is that I can have my cake and eat it too. I can play in greener pastures during the day (my AP and I sit across the hall from each other at work) and go home to a loving husband at night. It feels sick to say that, but I try to be honest with myself about it. I have mostly come to terms with it, though at the rate I'm going, I do worry about the longevity of my own marriage (but if mine did dissolve, I would NOT try to persuade AP to leave his wife to be with me...that just isn't the arrangement we have).

Sometimes I wonder if we each left our spouses, whether we could make a traditional relationship work. Honestly, I don't want to find out. I don't want him to fade out of my life as a failed experiment that destroyed everything (namely our families and careers) in its path. I just take what I can get. The hardest part is dealing with the deluge of emotions that stems from all those limitations.

Spike, out of curiosity, how freely do the two of you discuss your spouses and home situations? At first, my AP and I often spoke of our family lives in passing--you know, our weddings, how we met, our weekend plans, his daughter, etc.--but now, I have become quite jealous when I hear her name. Curious how you deal with this...

Sorry that was so long! I have so much pent up inside from this A that I have been waiting to let out. thanks for listening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 1:33pm

I am SW with MM but very happy with the A. We too wanted to take it to the next level in which he would D ( he was on his way out but we had a DDay and she wanted to 'work' on the M even though she was the one who wanted D earlier! twisted,lol)and we would have a RLR BUT here we are 2 years into it and very happy with the way it is.I now wear a ring he gave me :)

We talk about his W and kids (I dont have any kids,never M)but just as matter of factly.I have a fly on the wall of his house so I do know that what he tells me is true and not made up.If he was telling lies,i would have been out long time! I am not jealous of her but hate her with passion.She has such a great guy but doesnt appreciate him or he wouldnt be having an A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 11:32am

I guess I am a cake-eater also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2010
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 1:02pm
I've been seeing a MM for over a year now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 10:10pm

Twisted, I do not think my H suspects. Part of this, I think, is because I work with AP, so spend all day with him, and therefore do not have much of a need to call/text/email him during the time I am with my H. Except on weekends, when I miss AP terribly (I hate weekends now), I manage not to get too distracted when I am spending time with H. I do not see AP at night or on weekends (any rendezvous are during the day), so it's not as if I am spending time away to leave him wondering...

The only thing that might tip H off is how emotional I have become over the past few months; I find myself pretty drained, and often sad (with corresponding waves of euphoria). But we are both very busy people with stressful lives, so I explain my emotional distance as a byproduct of that stress, and he has never questioned it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Mon, 02-01-2010 - 10:25pm

Pittstop, the sequence of events in my A was a little different than yours--we started as friends, then fell in love, and then became physical. Not that it makes any difference, because the feelings hit me very strongly and very suddenly as well.

In a million years, I wouldn't have imagined this would happen. I let it, of course, but it's shocking how quickly the line between friendship and love becomes blurred. It truly snuck up on me, and then instead of putting the kibosh on it I let it unfold, because by that time I was so attached to AP I couldn't imagine being without him.

How do I deal with the emotions? By now it's just become a part of my life that I simply find ways to manage. I've gone through stages of guilt, of "we have to stop now," of NC and LC; he has gone through all of these stages too, but we always end up mutually agreeing that despite how "wrong" it is (by traditional marital standards anyway) the alternative--being without one another--is out of the question right now. I'm just going to be with him however I can for as long as we're working together and living in the same city, which certainly won't be forever (in fact, there is a very good chance that one or both of us will be relocating in the near future).

I guess I've learned to compartmentalize my life. There is a time for AP, and a time for H. I've made room for both of them in my life and in my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 6:02am

Silverdoe - we often talk about our families etc and share those things (as weird as it is he is currently making my daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 6:06am

mytwistedmind - in the early days when I met AP we worked together and I was single so he would come to my place (on the odd occasion I would go ot his place when his wife wasn't there) or things would happen at work (naughty I know)..


After I left that job I often travel back to the area for work meetings and stay overnight so we meet then, he has also been to my house when H has been at work.


It would be nice to see him more often (we try to see each other every couple of months) but the arrangment so far has worked great - we also regularly text and talk on the phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Wed, 05-05-2010 - 3:35pm

Hey everyone, I'm new here and was happy to find this MB.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 8:20am

Pitt-


My situation was much like yours is now. Married over 20 years and

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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