Both married but happy with affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Both married but happy with affair?
14
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 8:54am

Just wondering if anyone else is in this situation. I have been in a relationship with a married man for approx. 10 years - We met at work and at the time I was single and quite young (about 20) I wanted him to leave his wife but he told me he wouldn't - over time I became ok with this and subsequently got married 3 years ago myself - we both have children.

We still see each other quite regularly and do love each other very much - and I was thinking tonight how I am now completely happy with our arrangement. I was comfortable with it before I got married (with maturity I guess) and love my husband very much but this other guy was my first 'real' love and I will always love him - however I now know we could never be together. I am totally ok with this and can not foresee any end to our relationship - I want to keep seeing him and vice versa - just wondering if anyone else is in a relationship with someone but quite happy for it to stay that way always??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Thu, 05-06-2010 - 10:49pm

Honestly, and I don't mean this to sound rude or anything, I just can't understand how people can be "happy" in their M and still have an A.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 7:50am

I think it is very easy. I am a person who does not beleive that there is only 'one' person out there for you, and I think it is possible to have several ture loves, soulmates etc over your lifetime.


I guess the thing is that I loved my AP long before I knew my H but the things I get from AP are very different. As I mentioned I don't think we would be as we are now if we were together exclusively...it just seems to owrk as it is.


AP describes his wife as more of a friend and claims they never have sex (couple of times a year), he would never leave her as they have a small child and lots of property etc tied up in the marriage, and he obviously doesn't want to!! He told me that he has often thought over the years about leaving her but it has never happened so I guess that I was never enough for him to do it, I dont knwo what I would do if he did, I somehow don't think i would leave my H because I do love him very much.


I guess there are things about our marriage that bug me which in a way make it 'easier' to have the A but in a nutshell, my A has no bearing on my M so for me the two are quite seperate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 8:10am
Honestly, and I don't mean this to sound rude or anything, I just can't understand how people can be "happy" in their M and still have an A. Just seems like if your spouse fulfills all your needs/wants and you're in love with them, why have an A?



Being in a happy marriage doesn't mean that your spouse fulfills all your wants/needs. No one can do that for us! That's one of the fallacies about marriage - ONE person can not fulfill ALL your wants and needs, and it's unrealistic to think they can. Anymore than we can fulfill all our spouse's or APs (for that matter) wants and needs. Even in a happy marriage, there are voids or things missing that another person might be able to give - it doesn't mean it's an "unhappy" marriage.



Most people in happy marriages choose to live without the things their spouse doesn't provide, or they choose to find those things in a non-A related way. For instance - if you long for deep, philosophical discussions and your spouse just is NOT an "intellect" (which is not to say he/she isn't SMART, just that he/she is not into deep conversations about anything), many people will cultivate friendships with people who can provide that, or take philosophy classes, whatever.



But what if the "thing missing" is passion? There's no culturally acceptable way to get that from someone else, so if that's the "thing missing" most people in happy marriages choose to live without it, or use fantasy and self pleasure for it. Some choose to have an A.



I really am in a "happy marriage" for the most part. I didn't respond to this thread at first because my OM is single and it seems geared toward "both married" APs. But I find I'm very content with two relationships. I do think that if/when my A is over I will not seek another at this point. Maybe the passion is not as important to me at this stage of my life. And my OM adds so much more than passion to my life, but that was the prime thing that I got from him that I didn't have at home. It doesn't make my marriage "unhappy" though.

Proud to be a





You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull

Proud to be a





You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2010
Fri, 05-07-2010 - 8:40am

I agree with what Lexi had to say about being in a "happy" marriage and having an A. I would say AP and I are "content" in our M's but enjoy that little something missing in each other -- physical spark and lively discussion neither of us have in our M.


Also, and I didn't read every post above word for word, but something else to point out: In my case, AP and I agree that we improve each others M. A little, OK, maybe a LOT twisted, but because we get from each other what's lacking in both our long-term M's, we're both more pleasant to be around in the daily grind with our respective familes. I was a little uncomfortable w/ feeling that way...made me feel like I was "using" AP, but it's really not that way. We care deeply for each other.

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