Boy, I'm confused!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Boy, I'm confused!
3
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:47pm
Okay, in an attempt to make a really long and complicated story short. I am in the process of getting a divorce, I was married for almost 20 years. My first love and I have stayed in contact over the years and although he had been married and divorced and now in a live-in relationship, he started pursuing a relationship again with me. To complicate things we live about 1200 miles apart. Over the past year we have gotten together to spend time together 5 times, and have logged 100's of hours on the phone. Over the past year he has told me that he has tried to get the girlfriend out of the house, but she just won't seem to move. He told me that she hates everyone in his life, she is verbally abusive to his son and can't stand him, hates his family, his friends, etc. But just won't leave. I've become fairly close with his 17 year old son and he colaborates the story, as do his family and friends that I have spoken with. Over the past month and a half he has had me come out and we went to an old friends 50th birthday party together. We went to Las Vegas together and then last week, he had me come out to help with some problems he was having with his son, one of which was having to go to court regarding some criminal charges (he stole a friends motorcycle). So it was the ex-wife, his son, him and me. I have also had loads of conversations with his family, who just want the girlfriend gone. The ex-wife wants the girlfriend gone, because she does not want to raise the son and has given him full custody, but because the girlfriend is in the house he can't stay there. She gets very violent and according to his sister, even tried to kill him by running the car into a tree on the passenger side, where he was sitting. He claims that he has told her about me, my phone number has been all over the phone bill and that he told her that he was going to marry me once my divorce was final. Still she won't leave. I began having some doubts, about what he was telling me, because I just can't get my head around the fact that she just won't leave.

Well, she called me on Sunday, because I had called the house looking for him earlier that day. When she called she first said that she was his girlfriend and that I was not to call the house ever again. (makes sense, I'd do the same thing). She then hung up on me. I called her right back and said "look, it sounds like he's lying to both of us" but then she went off on telling me that she has "poured 9 years of sweat, time and money into that house and she wasn't going anywhere". She asked me "if I really wanted to marry him", I told her yes. Then she said that if I "wanted his loser ass, his loser son, his loser friends, drug addicted ex-wife, etc. etc. that I could have him." This makes no sense to me. Why would you say something like that? If you really feel that way why would you stay? There is no common law in California and she has no legal right to the house, since he bought it before she was there and it's only in his name. Why wouldn't she fight for him? Or was she? I am so confused. He's brought me into his life yet can't seem to be able to get her out. He must have overheard her on the phone to me, because he started yelling who are you talking too? Then got on the phone for a minute, yelled at her to get off, then he hung up his line, and went and got her off the phone. I haven't heard from him, that was 2 day's ago. The fact that I haven't heard from him is not unusual, we sometimes go a week without talking, but you'd think he would have called me. I realize that I have to step back and out of this until she's out, but I am so confused. Any one with a similar experience that can shed some light on this.

Thanks! Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 12:59pm
Actually.. there is some form of common law in California. However, if the house is in his name only all he has to do is formally evict her through the court system. It takes about 4 months all told and he would really need to retain an attorney. So the question is, why hasn't he done that? Who knows... some people just can't stand confrontation. I don't mean to cast doubts on his veracity, but I'm a big believer in people taking the reins in their own hands. If he is in an abusive relationship there may be other dynamics he's not even aware of. Just like a woman being abused by a man, a man who is being abused begins to believe that they 'deserve' the abuse. That's one of the reasons they don't take any action -- they just become paralyzed and don't know what to do. If that's the case, the best you can do is just be there for him, support him, stroke him, and wait for him to move (until it makes you too unhappy to do that). But as to the call, if it were me I would be actively trying to get in touch with him (if that's possible). She sounds like a nut case. Who knows what kind of hell she's putting him through right now. And on that subject -- watch out for yourself too. If she is coming unstrung, you don't want to get caught in the crossfire. Let us know who it goes.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 2:40pm
Why hasn't he gone through the courts? He knows the amount of work it would take to have her formally evicted and has just hoped she would simply leave if he made it living hell. I don't know what he'll do now. I think he would probably sell it before going through the hassle of the courts.

Your point that he can't handle confrontations is another valid point. He can't. I have known him 27 years and he absolutely can't do it. His self esteem is shot at this point, and this relationship has done nothing but taken all the spirit out of him. It's all very sad. His son is so disappointed in his dad, his family won't hardly speak to him, and then there's me. I have been holding out my hand for so long, and don't get me wrong it's still out there, I just can't get him to grab hold of it. I think he is in self-destruct mode. He has been drinking an awful lot, he is not coping with his reality at all anymore. And boy, just to hear her say to me "you can have his loser ass, etc. etc." she even offered to fly me out there or to send him to me. I just want to cry for him. His first wife, cheated on him and then left him for his best friend and now he has this one. His self-esteem is gone. The first night I got out there last week, it took me awhile to find him, but when I did he was pretty drunk. And all he kept asking was why I loved him so much? Granted he was very drunk, but if he asked me one more time I was going to punch him. After that night, he really pushed me away,until the day of the court case, then I was by his side the whole day, and then I was pushed away yet again. When he gets like this, all I can do is give him some space, and eventually he has come back. I don't know this time. He seems pretty well stomped into the ground. His family is not really willing to give him any more support, because they are tired of this situation. And are really tired that he won't do anything to help himself.

Maybe that battered spouse syndrome you spoke of is part of this. I guess you don't think of it when it's the guy getting battered. He's got to be very embarrassed. I just don't know how to help him any more, except to just be here. But I don't know if he will ever give me the opportunity to help him again. I miss him, I love him, and I hate to see that this great shinig spirit has been squelched. If I thought for one second they loved each other I would walk out of his life so that he could be happy. But what kind of woman says "here have him!". i just wish she'd leave, I just don't get her motivation in staying. It's a house, yes a very nice house and yes she's put in "time, sweat and money" into it, but jeeze, just let it go already!

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:30pm
Sweetie, the best you can do is the best you can do. He's so lucky to have you stand beside him. Just remember to take care of your needs too. Don't let his 'battered spouse' syndrome begin battering you too. You also have only one life... hugs to you!